Everyone knows that Jon Hamm has got a serious bulge in his pants. No, not from his wallet stuffed with all that Mad Men cash. It's in the front. You know, right in the crotch region. OK, to stop beating around the, um, bush about it, Jon Hamm has a big penis. It's huge. You can see it all the time; it just swings around in loose pants when he doesn't wear underwear (which is allegedly often). It creeps up in paparazzi pictures and is supposedly so large that AMC had to Photoshop it out of the press photos. It's almost as famous as Hamm himself is. Just look in the picture above. You can totally see his religion (and, seriously, with a phallic symbol that big, people should be praying to it).
But in the latest issue of Rolling Stone, Hamm has a bone to pick about his ham bone and all the attention it gets. "Most of it's tongue-in-cheek," he says of the attention his package has garnered. "But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have — a prurience."
Hamm might be right. But need we remind him that he is a famous person by trade? The tabloids taking pictures of him is part of the bargain he made when he got famous and agreed to have his visage plastered on the sides of buses. If he didn't like it, maybe he should have stuck to bit parts and regional theater.
Getting annoyed about people talking about your enormous endowment is also like being bothered when people say you are rich or beautiful. And not being able to accept a compliment is a bit unbecoming. The public wants him to be humble because they are already jealous of his fame, money, and good looks. With this development, they now have one more private shortcoming to measure themselves against. We see Hamm's size as something to be proud of and because he doesn't seem to share our appreciation, it just makes the rest of us hate him a little.
And if we didn't hate him already for just bristling at the attention, he has even more choice quotes to share with Rolling Stone. "They're called 'privates' for a reason," he says. "I'm wearing pants, for f**k's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a f**king lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my c**k, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal ... But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite."
First of all, Hamm may be wearing pants, but he clearly forgot his underwear. As an adult human celebrity who goes out in public knowing that, sometimes, paparazzi are going to be around, shouldn't he, you know, tuck it into a pair of Hanes? He can't help everyone's obsession with his you-know-what, but he can help how he shows it off — or doesn't — to the public. Just like Britney Spears needed to learn to put on panties before getting out of a limo, someone needs to teach Hamm the importance of proper support.
Kate Upton's boobs have their own Twitter account. Kim Kardashian's butt has entire slideshows devoted to it. Angelina Jolie's leg is a meme onto itself. This is our culture. We objectify celebrities' bodies, especially those of the female variety. Welcome to the club, Hamm. Trying to stop it is like Nicki Minaj protesting coverage of her nip slips or every starlet who borrows a dress trying to get the press to stop talking about her sideboob, under boob, baby bump, bikini body, or any other ridiculous thing we have invented to dissect every inch of her body. I think I speak for all women everwhere when I say, "Tough titty, Jon."
Yes, he is handling this non-troversy all wrong. The actor has made a career out of not only being the wonderful actor on Mad Men (who has been robbed of an Emmy multiple times), but also as the smart, cool, and fun guy you want to party with. He appears on 30 Rock and makes fun of how handsome he is. He hosts Saturday Night Live and slays it as the live action Ambiguously Gay Duo. He stole scenes in Bridesmaids as the world's second most hilarious douchebag. (Sorry, New Girl's Schmidt still takes the cake.) We loved that guy.
Do you know what that guy doesn't do? He doesn't complain about all the positive attention his nether regions are getting and harp about how famous he is. The guy we love goes on SNL and does a silly skit about "Huge Dongs Anonymous" and plays it for laughs. He diffuses the situation with jokes. Or he gets a $10 million endorsement deal with Fruit of the Loom and turns his blessing into cash in some gently ribbing commercials. The guy we love does not shed tears in Rolling Stone and he certainly doesn't pose for the awful cover shot like he's an extra in Swingers. The man we see on Rolling Stone's cover looks less like Don Draper and more like someone who thinks he's money but is ignorant of the contrary truth.
What happened to the life of the party? What happened to the guy everyone in Hollywood wanted to be in their comedies and everyone in America wanted to come over for a BBQ and grill their weinies? The Rolling Stone flavor of Jon Hamm doesn't sound like the guy we want to have over for beers. He seems serious and awful and like all the other privileged, famous jerks to whom he once provided the antidote. He needs to change directions on this. Seriously, Jon Hamm, don't let the coverage of your penis turn you into a dick.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Lawrence Schwartzwald/Splash News; Rolling Stone]