Are you following Amanda Bynes on Twitter? If you're not, you're missing out some serious of life coaching... in the form of witnessing someone do the opposite of what any normal human should be doing. Unfortunately, it appears that Bynes really believes she's got this whole being a human gig down pat. If "down pat" means making everyone think you've gone full Joaquin Phoenix, then sure. You've got personhood on lock, cupcake.
Today in Amandaland, we learned how the law works according to Bynes. Apparently, all one has to do to start a lawsuit is be annoyed or offended and @-reply the offending party while declaring that the suit is on.
Look, we know we're probably up creek without a paddle (with which we would knock ourselves out, hopefully get amnesia, and forget this whole thing ever happened), but someone has to try to break through that barrier of selfie-mirror photo glare and whatever Bynes' new hairdo is made of to make some form of sense. For all that is good and holy (and for Drake, who's probably tired of the rest of the world tweeting at him in hopes that he'll respond to Bynes' sexual requests) listen to our advice. Amanda, please!
1. Twitter is not a court of law. Believe it or not, Michael Scott had to have an accountant to declare bankrupcy for him and you probably need a lawyer if you plan on suing those publications, however unsuccessfuly.
2. You can't sue someone for "acting like" your Twitter feed is insane. Especially because Us Weekly and PerezHilton.com are two of about a million sites, magazines, Twitter feeds, Facebook posts, and at this point, actual real-life conversations about how (we'll be kind here) intriguing your Tweets are.
3. Selfies in the mirror are obnoxious and should have died with the Myspace era. Selfies in the mirror with a flash actually died before the Myspace era did.
4. Also, "Looking pudgy" and "broke my nail" aren't "#GirlProblems," they're annoying girl problems. This isn't 1950 — women are allowed to do more than twirl their hair and worry about their looks now (heck, we can even join the work force!). So... Knock. It. Off.
5. You can't read photos. Maybe you should read the dictionary.
Only read my twitter for photos of me!— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) March 16, 2013
6. Actually, it does matter what you think about yourself. That's kind of the whole point of everything ever. "All that matters is what your lover thinks of you." Really, Amanda? I'm sure that when Hillary Clinton was plotting her campaign for president at the age of 12, she thought, "You know, being a self-sufficient, strong woman with presidential aspirations is cool and all, but if my future husband or lover isn't into it, I'll probably just quit."
It doesn't matter what you think about yourself. All that matters is what your lover thinks of you.— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) March 28, 2013
7. You can't hate the Dalai Lama and love someone named Troy Sex. Bynes declared that if she's not following someone on Twitter, it's because she hates them. The five lucky people she follows, including Barack Obama and someone named Troy Sex, are safe from her wrath. (Translation: You can bet she won't try to sue them in 140 characters.) The Dalai Lama, however, is S.O.L.
If I'm not following you on twitter, I hate you— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) March 17, 2013
8. You don't actually want anyone to "murder" your vagina. Drake's hot. We'll give you that, but I think I speak for people who appreciate vaginas when I say, vaginas are best left un-murdered.
I want @drake to murder my vagina— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) March 22, 2013
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: Splash News]