When news broke about the Jonas Brothers breaking up, there was a surprising groundswell of passion from their fans, fans who were devestated that not just their favorite band, but the band they based their entire lives around, had split. These fans are now entering into a whole new post-Jonas phase of pop culture participation. It's a long standing tradition that on the eve of some big event — be it a graduation or a new job — a considerate well-wisher will bestow unto the party in question Dr. Suess' Oh the Places You'll Go. The book expresses not just wishes of good luck, but conveys the spectacular possibilities ahead. The combination of reassuring advice and whimsical rhyme is the perfect antitdote to the hysteria of uncertainty. So if you find yourself experiencing palpitations at the thought of losing Joe, Nick, and Kevin, read on:
So the JoBros broke up and you're all very sad,
But as you read my advice, please, don't get mad.
There's a whole lot of entertainment out there.
And I'm sure as time passes you'll find plenty to spare!
You can scratch the itch of whatever you miss,
About the three brothers (whose last name is Jonas.)
Perhaps you love bands made up only of boys,
Whose crushworthy faces could be plastered on toys.
It's no longer the '90s, when we all had that affection,
But there's one band that's perfect for you: One Direction.
Sure, they're not Jonases when push comes to shove,
But they easily top the charts with their songs about love.
Now, say what you loved about these Brothers of Jo,
Was the way they were able to seamlessly go
From their careers as muscians to TV stars on E!
Then there's one show that would be perfect for... ye.
Consider The Wanted Life, on Fridays, at 10.
You'll never need more backstage drama again.
But if instead what you loved was the Disney Channel
And how it made the J.B.s into something quite substantial.
Stay far away from the Selenas and Mileys
They may once have been Disney, but got out of it slyly.
For while Miley can shock all the world with her tongue,
You would prefer to watch something more wholesomely fun.
When the sun sets, turn on your TV and delight —
Enjoy something on late that's known as "Nick at Nite."
There corny old sitcoms take on a new glow,
You'll certainly find a brand new favorite show.
Now if it's siblings you're after, ones who love singing
There's plenty around that I won't bother bringing.
But if you desire ones who could pass for twins,
Then Tegan and Sara will gladly fill in.
They're identical in all but the fewest of ways,
And their songs will be stuck in your head for days.
I hope you now know there are multiple options,
No need to stick to a strict Jonas Bro doctrine.
And if you need more, we'll be glad to provide
So you're all able to take this sad news in stride.