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Lindsay Lohan Claims Cruel Treatment: Celeb Speak

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Jul 08, 2010 | 8:22am EDT

ALTA lot has happened since we saw Lindsay Lohan walk out of that courtroom yesterday. And on Day 2 of this saga, I'd be very surprised if this whole thing never made it into an episode of Jeopardy!

As you recall, Lindsay Lohan appeared to have the words "F**k U" manicured onto her middle finger, which everybody thought was a way for her to subtly flip off the judge for sentencing her to 90 days in jail. After hearing this was what we thought, she took to her twitter account and explained,

"@liana_levi didn't we do our nails as a joke with our friend dc? it had nothing to do w/court.. it's an airbrush design from a stencil xx"

I'm only going to let that one slide a bit because we've got bigger bulls to run with and get impaled by. A few tweets later, Lindsay took it upon herself to school us about the fraudulence of our justice system. She chose a random article by Erik Luna (some man who's probably very smart) to prove the justice system treated her even worse than Brandon Davis did when he called her "fire crotch." She said,

"It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that... 'No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment or punishment.' This was taken from an article by Erik Luna... "November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission.... Instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years: Scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules.' "

What she means: Well! What doesn't she mean! First and foremost, Lindsay compares her 90 day jail sentence to "torture." It's appalling, yes! John McCain is writing his open letter to her as we speak. But how's she to know what torture is really like if she's never experienced it? Of course she's going to compare physically agonizing pain to what causes her the most displeasure in her life, like lost luggage, salad dressing with cilantro in it and most recently, a stint in the clink for driving under the influence. In her head, those are torturous situations! Her frame of mind is more narrow than the twigs that make up a bird's nest. But we knew that.

Now: What does a gopher do when he learns the gardener is going to try and kill him by flooding his hole? A great big Broadway-inspired, Billy Joel-inspired song and Twila Tharp-inspired dance in the name of martyrdom! Even if the gopher got really drunk one night and did a whole bunch of coke off some guy's genitals and drove his car into a tree on his way home from da club, he's going to make it look like he's the doe-eyed victim of society's corrupt rules! What the gopher doesn't know, however, is the worst punishment he'll feel won't come from anyone else's actions...but rather his own.

Source: Lindsay Lohan's Twitter

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