Two marriages ended this weekend. TWO! As in, while Kanye West was tweeting about doing a duet with Justin Bieber and while I was moving my dinner plans so I could continue following their feeds, people who promised to spend their lives together in front of tons of witnesses finally admitted to themselves they'd rather be a legless kitty than be married to their spouses any longer.
First up on the cruise to the land of single nights of Triscuit dinners is Thomas Jane and Patricia Arquette, who've separated once before but say this time, they no longer wish to receive their snail mail in the same place and are ready to get divorced. The two have been together since 2001. They had a daughter in 2003, got married in 2006, and apparently Patricia filed for divorce in January of 2009. But then they got back together, presumably after buying a brand new TiVo and sending their daughter (in her footie pajamas) to spend the night at a friend's. Patricia is David and Rosana Arquette's sister, but that doesn't really make any difference. Thomas is on a little show called Hung, which, if method acting is real, should have made a difference.
Also in the tale of two divorces, we have Fred Armisen of Saturday Night Live and Elisabeth Moss of Mad Men, who got married a record-breaking 10 months ago. Life & Style Magazine claims they separated in May, even after Moss was quoted as saying they "don't disagree on anything" and that "it's weird." Armisen is currently in Portland, Oregon, filming his new show, Portlandia, which will probably also be the inspiration behind a few wine stores in a few years or so. Moss is probably doing something Mad Men or Scientology-related to cope.
And the innocent couple who's probably making those four want to knock back five more than a few dirty martinis is Hilary Duff and hockey player Mike Comrie, who got married this weekend in Montecito, California. They dated for two years, since Hilary was 20 and was taking movie roles in movies where her characters would be wearing roller skates and trying to prevent her mom from slutting it up so much. But ah, yes, young love between an actress and a hockey player. Kisses to the happy couple, for at least they're not both actors and at least one of them is Canadian.