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Celeb Speak: The Charlie Sheen Edition

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Feb 25, 2011 | 9:18am EST

Keeping up with everything Charlie Sheen has said this week has been harder than trying to find out where the cat you're supposed to be house-sitting is hiding. It's just impossible. Since it's not your house, it could be ANYWHERE (so it seems almost pointless to even try and locate the slut), and just as you think you're about to find it because you've followed what you think is a trail of toys to the spot behind the toilet, you suddenly realize that this bitch is a cat and it's going to leave its toys everywhere and definitely not in a straight line. With Charlie Sheen, the difficulty of the situation is NOT ONLY LISTENING TO HIM TALK, but is also remembering every outrageous thing he's said because he's gone on so many diatribes. So for today's Celeb Speak, I'm going to help you find that bitch cat and give you everything noteworthy Charlie Sheen has said over the past few days.

First and foremost, we have this niiiiiiiice looooooooong clip from Wednesday, when Charlie talked to radio host Alex Jones about how much he hates the man who created his show when he said, "I violently, violently hate Chaim Levine. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like." So let's begin!

So, obviously a lot is happening in there! It reminds me of an interview that a sweet blond girl did with Charles Manson in the late 80s, where he predicted global warming, talked about slaves, told the girl who was interviewing him to lose 10 pounds, and then excused himself so he could go and take a shit. Feel free to listen to this as many times as you need to because it's better that way, but here are some highlights:

"I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my mind.""I'm sorry man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time -- and this includes naps -- I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.""Check it, Alex. I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process.""It's funny how 'sleep' rhymes with 'sheep.'"

After that radio interview, Two and a Half Men was canceled for the rest of the season, and Charlie Sheen responded by releasing this to TMZ: "What does this say about Haim Levine (Chuck Lorre) after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows...I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. Remember these are my people...not yours...we will continue on together."

What's interesting is that even though filming has halted and the tour buses that drive around CBS studios have already told the tour guides to start saying, "AND THAT'S WHERE TWO AND A HALF MEN USED TO BE," Sheen told the people at Good Morning America (in a series of text messages) that he'll still show up on set to work next week as he promised to do in early February.

What's also interesting is that now people are calling Sheen out as an anti-Semite because of the way he called Chuck Lorre by his Hebrew name, which is "Chaim Levine." Charlie told TMZ that he wasn't calling out Lorre's Judaism, but rather was "referring to Chuck by his real name, because I wanted to address the man, not the bullshit TV persona."

I don't know about you, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM SO ENERGIZED, EITHER!!

Sources: TMZ, ABC, TMZ

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