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Here Is the Plot for the 'The Dark Knight Rises' (Maybe)

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May 01, 2012 | 8:14am EDT

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ALTExpectations are high and speculation is rabid about The Dark Knight Rises, the super-double secret final installment of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. Since everyone seems to be guessing just what the heck this thing is about, I decided that I was going to take a stab and decode the clues that Nolan has been laying out for us. Here is my theory that, I assure you, is 100 percent accurate. (No, it is not.) Be careful, there are (completely fake, manufactured) spoilers ahead.

I started based on the assumption that the third trailer for the movie, which was released last night, is a condensed version of the movie in chronilogical order rather than a random collection of highlights. If this is the case, we are able to sketch a loose plot from the action in this preview. Here is my completely verified, totally correct (no, sorry, this is complete bulls**t) assessment of the plot of Dark Knight Rises.

We open on Gotham, which is glittering and functional, though about to be plunged into darkness. Bruce Wayne has retired from being Batman, or he was fired. One or the other. We can tell because he has one of those "funemployement" beards that your friends were all wearing when they got booted from their jobs at mortgage brokerages a few years ago. Also because Wilfred is waiting on him in their mansion. Anne Hathaway, who we know is playing Selina Kyle/Catwoman, tells us that a storm is coming. She is walking backstage at some sort of convention for milliners, but really she is telling Bruce Wayne about the storm at some sort of fancy masked ball they are both attending. Bruce is wearing a Christian Bale mask.

Somewhere green and rural, Bane, the mumble-mouthed villain and scuba-gear addict played by Tom Hardy, is being transported somewhere secret via plane. Catwoman's plane, however, hijacks the Bane plane, rips its wings off and rescues Bane from captivity. Now Bane is working for Catwoman and, as he says, "Hasdpwigaweihoghfaospidhgaspo," which translates to "I am Gotham's reckoning." He is going to destroy Gotham and punish all the rich people like Bruce Wayne because he is poor. He starts by blowing up a football field, because Tom Hardy is European and he always liked soccer (or football) better anyway. He also storms Bruce Wayne's house and his troops find Wayne cowering under an etagere (which is a fancy name for a bookcase).

Then we see Joseph Gordon-Levitt. After a brief swoon, JGL, who appears to be some sort of bus driver, watches the bridges that connect Gotham (read: Manhattan) to the outer boroughs (read: Brooklyn) explode. Everyone in Brooklyn freaks the freak out. Everyone in Manhattan is like, "Eh. Oh well. I'll just get my artisinal pickles from the Lower East Side instead." However, a bus full of angelic-looking children are forever scarred watching the scene of destruction.

Bruce Wayne is dragged out into the middle of nowhere and thrown down a well because, you know, that's what you do with billionaire playboys with crappy unemployment facial hair. In an office in Midtown JGL, who may not be a bus driver after all, interrogates Catwoman about whether or not Wayne is dead. She does not know. She is pissed that freeing Bane has become a nightmare. He has gone rogue and she can't control him anymore.

Bruce asks Bane why the baddie didn't kill him. He says, "Shioawawhfeoighwpeoighwpoirg." Bruce is like, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that." Bane says, a bit louder this time, "Shioawawhfeoighwpeoighwpoirg!" Bruce says, "Nope, still don't get it. One more time." Bane gets pissed and just throws Bruce to the bottom of the well. He walks away and lets a waterfall wash Bruce away.

Meanwhile, JGL is talking to one of the kids on his bus who asks if Batman is coming back. JGL doesn't know. Catwoman, now remorseful, finds Wayne at the bottom of the well. Meanwhile, Bane and his gang of economic malcontents are taking over a bank or something. Catwoman is afraid, is very very afraid, and she gets on her fierce motorcycle and rides as far away as she can get. Bane finds a really cute shearling coat. That scuba equipment must be cold.

Commissioner Gordon calls on Batman to stop Bane. The Bat Signal has been destroyed so he just uses a flare tied to a bat and hopes Batman will figure it out. He does. Then he stands at the top of some giant building and surveys the city. "We Built This City on Rock 'N' Roll" is totally stuck in his head. Bruce, apparently healed from falling down the well, is Batman again to stop Bane. JGL kneels down, hopefully to ask me to marry him. Yes, Joey, a million times yes! Catwoman is totally disillusioned at this point and says, "You don't owe these people anymore. You've given them everything." Batman replies, "Not everything." Oh s**t, Batman is totally going to die.

Bane and Batman have a big fat fight back at the waterfall. Batman also prevents Bane and his people (who are having an epic clash with the police) from taking over the bank or whatever. This is where things get fuzzy and my clairvoyance doesn't have as much power. It seems like Catwoman is helping Batman to defeat Bane and has been taking martial arts classes at the Y and totally learned how to do a roundhouse kick. She even gets into some crazy flying car thing with Batman and shoots some bombs at Bane and his gang. I'm gonna guess the shooting at the bank comes before the Bane vs. Batman fight at the waterfall well and that Batman and Bane both die so that Gotham can be saved and economic balance can be restored.

There you go. Now you know everything that's going to happen. (No, you don't.) I don't know about you, but now I'm even more excited to see the movie now.

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

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