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'Magic Mike' Sequel: Here Is How They Should Write It

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Jun 30, 2012 | 4:37am EDT

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All anyone with an appreciation of movies or the male form can talk about right now is Magic Mike the Channing Tatum male stripper movie that is shaking its junk in America's face right now. But when it's a hit at the box office, what are they going to do about a sequel? Well, we dreamed up a few ideas to get those screenwriters minds whirling. (Warning: I'm going to be disclosing some plot details, so if you don't want any spoilers, stop reading the story. But it's not like it really matters. You didn't go see Magic Mike for the story!)

Moons Over Miami

The crew is obsessed about leaving Tampa and opening a bigger, badder, ballsier strip club somewhere in Miami. In this sequel, they actually do! Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) opens the strip emporium of his dreams and brings along equity partner The Kid (Alex Pettyfer) and some of the boys (and some new talent) to help him. The problem is the location he's chosen is home to a female strip club that doesn't want to give up its lease or its liquor license so Dallas can open shop. A showdown between male and female strippers occurs until everyone is just a writhing naked mess on stage. Some of them bang. They decide to combine the strip clubs so that husbands and wives can come and watch naked people together. Isn't that what everyone wants?

Big Dick Richie's Big Adventure

Really, the only thing we know about Joe Manganiello's character is that he has a huge johnson and loves his penis pump. Well, what would happen if, one day, his penis pump disappeared? Yes, it has been stolen! But by whom? A despondent and shirtless Richie, so inconsolable he can't wear a shirt, goes on a cross country journey in search of his missing penis pump, and runs into all sorts of outrageous characters on the way, including Pee-Wee Herman, who's wee pee made him steal the device in the first place.

Dallas Does Dallas

We know that Dallas eventually gets to Tampa to become a stripper and run the Magic Mike show, but how did he get there? This is a prequel where a young Dallas (played by Hunter Parrish) is a good Texas boy whose father is a preacher and whose mother deserted him when he was a boy. He was a very shy guy who didn't have much luck with the ladies, but worked hard on daddy's farm. One day, after baling all that hay and gettin' along with all the dogies, a nice older lady going through town notices how buff he is. He gets a job in a traveling male review called Clydesdales, where he wears nothing but a thong, a bowtie, a mullet, and a smile. And on the way to learning how to become a stripper, Dallas learns how to become a man.

Ken and the Doll

Really the only thing that we see Matt Bomer's stripper alter ego Ken do is let The Kid sleep with his big-tittied wife because he loves The Kid so damn much. You know why? Because he's gay. Sadly he has to leave Juggs McGee behind to go on his new journey where he discovers his true homosexual self and realizes that guys who strip for other guys make a hell of a lot more money than guys who strip for girls. But in the end, he gives it all up for the one person he loves. Do all stripper movies have to end that way, even the gay ones?

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

More:

Joe Manganiello Hints at a 'Magic Mike' Prequel

'Magic Mike' Drinking Game: The Rules

Channing Tatum on 'Magic Mike': A Movie for the '50 Shades of Grey Era'

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