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Cherries Scare the Hell Out of Me — Or, Why I Won't Be Seeing 'Mama'

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Jan 17, 2013 | 7:53am EST

Mama

When you think about cherries, you probably think about pie. Or maybe you think about sex — specifically, the time some girl tried to tie a cherry stem with her tongue, but then failed, and it was hilarious. You could be thinking about a Shirley Temple cocktail... but you probably aren't, since it doesn't have any alcohol (so why would you?). Or, if you're like me, and don't think about cherries at all. Ever. Because cherries scare the sh*t out of you.

I was forced to think about the devil's fruit when I heard that it plays a role in the new supernatural thriller, Mama. (You've heard of it, it's with Jessica Chastain.) And since I heard this rumor from a reliable source, who actually did see an early screening of the movie, I'm going to take a back seat. There's no way I'm voluntarily going to see another movie featuring those nasty pits. But in case you're wondering, here's the gist: two feral girls (ew) are inexplicably fed cherries (ew) for the five years they lived alone in a cabin in the woods with Mama. That's all they eat. So, when they're eventually discovered, they find them and a huge pile of pits (ew). The younger one continues to eat them (ew) after they re-enter society, and the director routinely cuts to her sucking down cherries (ew) and spitting out the pits (ew). If that's not enough to deter you from the film (but really, go see it! I hear it's quite good) then I don't know what is.

Oh wait! Yes I do! You see, this isn't the first time cherries have caused deep fear and unease on the big screen. And it's no coincidence these twisted directors keep choosing cherries as their supporting stars. There's a reason I won't go near them at bodegas. There's a reason I cringe at even a jarred maraschino. There's a reason I want to set fire to all cherry-printed apparel. And now I live a life of sad cherry-less ice cream sundaes.

It all stemmed (ha) from The Witches of Eastwick. You know, that crazy-ass fantasy movie with Jack Nicholson and Cher (!) and some other great people, and a whole bunch of spells and stuff. Well, it was entertaining — and even light-hearted — until someone tried to mess with Nicholson's character Daryl Van Horne. People should know better than to mess with him by now. Anyway, one woman (her name was Felicia, like it matters) decides that he's the devil, and begins ranting about him to her husband. Shortly after, she starts vomiting cherry stones. Don't remember? Go ahead, try and watch.

Then there was Cold Creek Manor with Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone. They both seem like nice people who would be in a nice movie. But it's not nice a movie. It's not nice because of the cherries! In one horrid scene, Dennis Quaid visits the original owner of Cold Creek Manor (yes, that was actually Christopher Plummer) in a mental hospital. He's a senile lunatic who can't stop cramming chocolate covered cherries in his mouth. "Gimme another cherry! Gimme another cherry!" That's his famous line, and it's beyond frightening.

And if you still haven't been totally grossed out (who are you?), take a look at the trailer for this endearing film, Cherry Falls, about a small town murderer who kills all the virgins of the local high school. It's quite pleasant!

I never intended to scare you away from eating cherries altogether (yes I did), but please do bear this bit of information in mind the next time you hear about a cherry cameo in a film. Just know it won't be sexy at all.

[Image Credit: George Kraychyk/Universal Pictures]

Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl

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