At this point in his career, Nicolas Cage is more than just a movie star or a celebrity. He is an entity unto himself, a man so ripe for parody that he almost seems to now exist as a parody of a parody. All of which goes to say that the trailer for his latest film, Tokarev, has just dropped, and never has a film seemed more perfect for Cage than Tokarev does. It's almost as if the producers watched the SNL segment "Get in the Cage With Nicolas Cage," listened to a movie that Andy Samberg-as-Nicolas-Cage described, and then decided to make it a reality.
In celebration of the Cage-iest movie ever made, we've decided to list out all of the most perfectly Nicolas Cage moments present in the trailer. And yes, all of the dialogue is either whispered or screamed.
1. He has a vaguely Southern accent, but only when talking to certain people. (0:04)
2. A character important to him gets kidnapped, dramatically. (0:35)
3. His crying face is illuminated by shadows. (0:52)
4. He walks down a long pathway, ominously. (1:08)
5. He stares, broodingly, out of a car window. (1:14)
6. He declares himself to be "Out of the game!", without clarifying just what game that is. (1:20)
7. He has an intense whispversation about three inches away from someone else's face. (1:24)
8. "Just how deep do you want this to go?" "How deep is hell?" (1:37) ... (We might have a winner)
9. The titles are revealed through an animated bullet flying through smoke. (1:39)
10. He speeds down a street in a tricked-out car. (1:48)
11. He advances on someone he's got tied up, bloodied, and bruised. (1:53)
12. He shoots a guy at close range while puckering up his face dramatically. (1:54)
13. He disarms a thug that was choking him. (1:55)
14. He lies on his back, and aims two guns at the doorways. (2:05)
15. "You swore not to talk about it! Raaaahhhh!" (2:18)
16. He screams in slow motion, while dramatic music plays in the background. (2:20)
Plus a whole lot more explosions, corruption, significant full-back tattoos and Danny Glover that we didn't even mention! Check out the trailer, in all of its Cage-epitomizing glory above, and catch Tokarev when it arrives in theaters in 2014.