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Captain America Training Guide: How to Be Just Like Steve Rogers

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Apr 03, 2014 | 9:57am EDT

Captain America: The Winter SoldierMarvel Studios

Good morning, friends of Uncle Sam! Say, do you want to be like Captain America? Young Steve Rogers was nothing but a scrawny Brooklyn do-nothing, but then our brightest scientific minds injected the kid with an experimental drug called the Super Soldier Serum. Miraculously, the cocktail of mercury, sulfur, and other useful chemicals turned little Steve into a gilded symbol of American might and vigor: Captain America. Boy! Look at those muscles. He’s like a steak- and corn-fed American Adonis.

Even though you tiny patriots at home might not have pure 1940s scientific knowhow coursing though your veins, you have something even more important flowing through your ventricles. America! And blind nationalistic pride can shield you from any foreigner’s bullet. Even if you’re a scrawny bookworm, or a plain no-talent dame without any suitors, you can be just like Cap with a little bit of effort! Just take a look at the daily life of Captain America. Live like him, and you can be our next super human weapon against the ever-present communist threat.

5:00 AM: Every day, Steve Rogers wakes up at the crack of dawn. 

6:00 AM: Rogers then runs a light half-marathon before breakfast.

8:00 AM: But wait! Rogers learns that the dastardly villain Crossbones has just robbed a bank. Go get him, Cap! Give him a good socking!

9:00 AM: After handing over Crossbones to the local authorities, Cap eats some breakfast. It’s a heaping plate of steak and eggs for this hardworking superhero.

10:00 AM: After basically eating an entire cow, Rogers continues his morning workout. Tractors aren’t going to lift themselves you know.

12:00 PM: Next, it’s time for Rogers to head into work. Steve dons the stars and stripes and instantly becomes Captain America, the upholder of truth, justice, and the American way (Superman doesn't exist in the Marvel reality, so that's not trademarked yet!). Captain America heads to the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier. It’s here that Cap works with S.H.I.E.L.D. to look into your email and phone records in order to learn every aspect of your lives. For your safety, of course!

2:00 PM: Out on his lunchtime jog, Captain America saves a kitty from a tree for a little girl. Don’t worry, little Sally, the Captain cares for every American, no matter how fuzzy.

3:00 PM: In the S.H.I.E.L.D. break room, Falcon tries to explain to Cap the difference between Blu-ray and DVD. Captain America settles for old Howdy Doody reruns instead. Simplicity is the American way!

4:00 PM: Oh no! the cosmic menace Galactus is attacking New York City. It looks like It’s time for the Avengers to ASSEMBLE.

7:00 PM: After a fierce battle, It looks like Galactus has changed his sights from New York to London. Cap will let Lieutenant Britain and the other U.K. superheroes (Aluminium Man, Pheasant-Eye, The Lummox) handle this one.

7:15 PM: London has been completely destroyed... but America is still standing as tall as ever.

8:00 PM: Whew! after a long battle, Captain America has led the Avengers to victory. Good going, fellows! ... and Black Widow, I guess.

9:00 PM: Back in his Brooklyn apartment, Captain America takes off Old Glory and becomes the mild mannered Steve Rogers once again. He heads to bed early to rest up after a long day of gallant superheroics. Get some shut-eye, Cap, you deserve it.

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