And what is that title? Get ready to be stupefied. "The Dark of the Moon." Okay, okay, it's not exactly the official title just yet, as Paramount still needs to confirm, but multiple sources have indicated this is indeed the route they are headed. This news comes on the heels of Shia LaBeouf admitting they pretty much stole from everyone the last time around, sorry about that!
But this time will be different.
No, seriously. No more slapstick humor. This time there really will be Transformers who don't pee on things, Transformers who aren't illiterate. You know, Transformers for everyone over the age of eleven! Personally, I can't wait. Never you mind that they are bringing back one of the writers behind Revenge of the Fallen, the gentleman also responsible for both Reindeer Games and Brothers Grimm. This is a can't-miss proposition.
Hold on one cotton-pickin' minute, it's time to press pause on this entire rant. Why?
Because I started working up this theory that Bay only delivers when he's reined in by a strong writing team, but I couldn't find any evidence of said theory. In fact, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to Bay successes vs. Bay disasters throughout his entire body of work. Bay has delivered in the past, but it's purely arbitrary. Do you see what I'm saying here? Michael Bay is a shining beacon of randomness, he's walking entropy! There's a chance Transformers: The Dark Side of the Moon will be everything you love about big-budget action. There's an equal chance it will cause your head to hurt and make you question your life choices. But we can't know either way, and that's the truly scary part. Michael Bay is our generation's version of an alien invasion. It could end up great, with jet packs and speedy travel via tubes ... or we might all end up running for our lives, shouts of "We mean you no harm!" barely audible over the din of laser fire and charred flesh.
On a brighter note:
And now, it's time for the Internet's most popular running feature, Live Trailer Bloggin'!®
:01 - :15: They've used the first ten percent of the trailer to tell us people helped finance this movie.
:16 - :30: Mark me down as a fan of both Helen Mirren and Julie Taymor. That said, would I have mentioned Across the Universe over the power chords of a guitar? Probably not.
:31 - :40: The world needs Helen Mirren to have the power of sorcery. You got a problem with that? Take it up with the world.
:41 - :51: This is already reminding me of The Labyrinth. Yes, that's a compliment.
:52 - 1:05: They show Russell Brand, and then they throw the word "stupidity" up on-screen. Clearly, someone over there has a healthy sense of humor and self-deprecation.
1:06 - 1:19: When was the last major film to successfully pull of Shakespearean English? Hamlet maybe? The Big Lebowski?
1:20 - 1:38: Unless you're currently studying The Tempest in school there's very little chance of you piecing together what's going on here. But the takeaway is this: Helen Mirren is angry.
1:39 - 2:00: This is The Fountain meets Beowulf meets God of War meets What Dreams May Come. If they use that on the poster I'm expecting full credit.
2:01 - 2:31 And they get us out of here with a nod to the prodigious acting talent involved.
What to make of this trailer? Highly stylized, probably pricey, and a hell of a gamble for Taymor, especially considering the magnitude of the source material. At least we know, given her track record, that the film will look good. Will it resonate with audiences? No, probably not. But, bright side, it took a couple hundred years for the original Bill Shakespeare version to gain critical acclaim so the clock isn't exactly furiously ticking on Julie Taymor. There's something to be said for art for art's sake, right?
On that note, I hope you have a weekend full of very few tempests.
Laremy is the lead critic and senior producer for a website named Film.com. He's also available on Twitter.