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Five Ways 'Fast Five' Makes Fast Cash

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Apr 29, 2011 | 7:43am EDT

Fast FiveFast Five hits theaters this weekend and, well, I won't lie, I'm pretty excited. Sure, the plot will stink. The acting will be terrible. The dialogue will be trash. But for some reason, The Fast and the Furious franchise has always held my attention. I've never really understood why and this is just a hunch, but perhaps it has something to do with all of the totally awesome stuff -- like guns, cars and boobs -- in the movies. Clearly I'm not alone, because, each installment in the series makes another gazillion dollars on top of the previous entries' gazillion dollars. But just what is it exactly about these movies that make them so appealing? Let's try to find out.

Sweet-ass (looking) cars that probably suck in real life

I was in 7th grade when the original Fast and the Furious released, and from then on I dreamed that my first car would be suited with "rims," even though I wasn't quite sure what "rims" were. I'd tell my friends about a "cousin" of mine that had a tricked out "Toyota Celica," but the reality was that he was a family friend with a very standard, stock Honda Accord. What I didn't realize is that although those cars looked totally sweet with their electric red and lime green paint jobs, they probably weren't the greatest vehicles and had about the same amount of horsepower as my Matchbox cars in the basement.

Shooting guns incorrectly with awesome results

We all know that the best way to shoot a gun is to *not* hold it sideways with one hand; but, hey, this is Hollywood and it looks bad-ass so, who cares? Realism has never been a priority for The Fast and the Furious films, which take pretty much every opportunity to liberate themselves from the restrictions of the real world. Fast Five will undoubtedly continue this trend to an even greater extent, as we've already seen in its trailer full of explosions, train wrecks and yes, sideways-held guns.

Fast and the FuriousPiles upon piles of cash

Money will always make things cooler. Wealth is something our society demands and when we display it at its highest level, we eat it up. The characters in The Fast and the Furious are all loaded beyond belief, but we're never quite sure how they got that way. I suppose it was through some type of illegal activity, so they always have the best kind of money: cold, hard cash. And of course, they don't just have a little bit -- they have suitcases on top of suitcases packed with paper.

Memorable one-liners that are, in reality, terrible

Everything said in The Fast and the Furious is dramatic. Seriously. The actors tend to emphasize every single word -- no, matter, what -- because hey, why wouldn't they? Example from Dom Toretto in the first film: "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I'm free." Yeah, baby. Free.

Boobies!

'Nuff said.

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