All reality shows are about these days is groups of people fighting. Whether it's Bad Girls Club, Jersey Shore, or Real Housewives of Your Mom's House everyone is just getting all up in each others' grills and shouting, shouting, shouting. I hate to say this, but I'm almost sick of it.
Well, I'm not sick of real, good juicy throwdowns, I'm just tired of all the fake, made up, over-exaggerated reality TV brouhahas that really aren't about anything other than who can scream louder. To try to get the fights off the boring track, I am hereby banning these six overused fighting phrases from the reality lexicon forever. They're so worn out that they don't even have meaning anymore, and most of them are just silly ploys to keep the conflict rolling even when there is nothing of substance left to fight about.
"Are You Kidding Me?": This usually comes after another cast member has made some sort of accusation against someone. The answer is always no. Nene Leakes is not kidding that she just called your assistant a slave. She is deadly serious. Know how I know? Because she is making her "I am deadly serious" face, which kind of looks like a constipated duck crossing its arms. Every reality star has this face, and they smugly make it after leveling some insane opinion and passing it off as fact. Instead of asking if it's serious, maybe people should start disputing the claims made aloud on national television, because, until we hear otherwise, we think it's serious too.
"This Is Not the Time to Talk About This": When someone tries to pick a fight at some sort of event or occasion that a cast member thinks is inappropriate, he or she says something like this. I'm sorry, but this is only true if the occasion is a funeral, someone else's wedding, or right after some sort of terrorist attack. Otherwise this is the time to talk about it. The cameras are rolling and you agreed to be here with them filming you. I'm sorry that you're not prepared to get in an argument, but this is your job. If you were standing at the cash register of a McDonald's and a customer walked up and ordered a Big Mac, you can't say, "This is not the time for this." If you did, you would be fired. Even though it's inconvenient, you have to get your fighting gloves on and go for it. Reality stars take the cameras in for their therapy sessions, plastic surgery, and other intimate procedures. That means no venue is off limits for anything.
"Will You Let Me Talk": Especially common at the de rigeur reunion show, when one party in a reality fight gets loud and mouthy and the other party wants to rationalize with that person, he says, "Will you let me talk?" No, you will not get to talk. Do you know what this is? It is a reality show. It is not a presidential debate. It is not Toastmasters International. It is not the floor of Congress with the Honorable Gentleman from Alabama presiding. There are no rules for who gets to talk and how much and when. You have to be loud. If the other person is not listening, you yell over him. You get your point out as loud as you possibly can so that it gets heard. By the time someone requests permission to talk, the other party is probably so irate they can't be reasoned with anyway. You won't win this fight with her. You can only win with the viewers so you need to scream your points and hope that everyone at home hears them. No one can let you talk, you just have to talk while you still can.
"You Hate Me Because I'm a Threat": This only happens on competitive reality shows like Survivor or America's Next Top Model where the girl who is getting screamed at thinks it is because they are a threat. No, people are not screaming at you, calling you a snob, and telling you to mind your own business because you are a threat. They are doing it because you are annoying and they do not like you. The same reason people in the real world yell at you.
"Don't Point Your Finger At Me": Pointed fingers have been the cause of more reality TV fights than unfaithful boyfriends, ungrateful children, or unpaid debts. This usually comes mid-fight and the problem is that it totally derails the discussion away from whatever issue caused it to the finger pointing. "Don't you point your finger at me." "I'm not pointing my finger at you." "Yes you are." "No, it's right here." We don't care about the fingers or where they are. If you're going to have a battle royale, have it over something other than how close someone's manicure gets to you.
"I'm Done": Sammi and Ronnie of Jersey Shore didn't invent this highly overused phrase, but they certainly perfected it as they took approximately nine months to break up over seasons two and three of the show. Of course we all know that it means they are not, in fact, done. They're just fed up with whatever fight is going on. This happens all the time, people walking away saying "I'm done. I'm done," only to go back and enter the fray again after the next insult is hurled. You have no intention of being done until the fight is over, why are you even pretending? We all know that you'll keep fighting until either the cops come, the cameras are shut off, or one of the ladies from Mob Wives is actually dead.
Which phrase do you hate that we missed?
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan