I know what you're probably thinking: How can season two of Game of Thrones be ending already? Jon Snow is still a virgin! Daenerys' dragons are yet to do anything remotely cool! Winter hasn't come! But it's true – the season based on George R.R. Martin's second novel in the Song of Ice and Fire series, A Clash of Kings, has reached its end, leaving us with an agonizingly long wait. Because, let's face it – there is absolutely no way that they can neatly wrap up all of these loose ends in Sunday's finale, "Valar Morghulis." It's not fair, but hasn't watching two seasons of Game of Thrones taught you that life isn't fair? Stop being such a Theon Greyjoy, you overly-entitled brat.
Just kidding. But in all seriousness, there are approximately three zillion burning questions we have going into the finale, so we're probably going to have to settle for some long-term cliffhangers. Here are the top ten questions we want answered before the long hiatus:
1. Where the eff are Dany's dragons?
Dany and her barbecuing critters ended the season with a bang last season, but this year their scenes have often slowed down the pace their episodes. Therefore, the season finale needs to A — take us into the sure to be nightmare inducing House of the Undying, and B — get Dany her dragons back so she can get out of Qarth and into a more exciting plotline.
2. Who betrayed Tyrion at Blackwater?
One of Tyrion's own knights tried to murder him last week, which really wasn't cool considering the halfman saved the entire city from gang-rape and certain death. Even though the fellow is dead now (thanks, Podrick!) it would be nice to know who did that, and, more importantly, who funded him.
3. Will Arya, Gendry and co. escape Harrenhal?
Two weeks ago, Arya and her posse were astonished when the murder-expert-slash-sexpot Jaqen H'ghar killed all of the guards blocking Harrenhal's exit. Will they all escape unharmed, or was it all too good to be true? Also – where the heck can Arya possibly go next? Winterfell would have been a great option a few months ago, before it was occupied by the only person in Westeros who is whinier than Joffrey.
4. What's next for Sansa?
Poor Sansa. She may not be the most likable girl in the Stark family, but no one should have to choose between the Hound and Joffrey. My advice? Pull a Cersei and start drinking. A lot.
5. Did Stannis and/or Davos survive?
Davos' son most definitely bit the bullet in the wildfire explosion, but Davos' "death" was more ambiguous. Stannis was last seen screaming in agony as his troops were defeated by Tywin Lannister, but he was awfully close to the city gates. Was he captured, or did the king with the personality of a lizard survive?
6. Hey, where did that smoke thing go?
Did it disappear after it murdered Renly, or did it run off to a deserted island to wreak havoc on generations of folk unlucky enough to be on the wrong plane at the wrong time?
7. Will Theon hold on to Winterfell?
Theon's sister Yara advised him to leave Winterfell, and he probably should have listened —everyone there would love to see him dead, and the Bastard of Bolton is well on his way. Non-readers don't know who that is yet, but Robb Stark wouldn't send some average Joe to take care of Theon.
8. Will Jon Snow finally do the deed?
Well, it looks like Jon Snow is one of the Wildlings now. Qhorin Halfhand told him that one ranger in a Wildling camp is worth 1,000 fighting against them, so Jon will have to channel his currently non-existant acting chops and wild it up a little to fit in. Does this mean we'll finally get to see him knock boots with Ygritte?
9. Can Brienne make it to King's Landing without killing Jaime?
Brienne of Tarth and Jaime Lannister are an unlikely duo: They're much more similar than they think, but their shared values are clearly overshadowed by their blind hatred of each other. Brienne in particular would love to see Jaime's head on a stick, and he's going to continue to taunt her until she tries to do so. Does poor Sansa have a chance with these two as her rescue team?
10. Um, Bran?
The little dude can't hide in the dungeons forever. Where the heck is he going to go, and what's up with all of those nagging wolf dreams?
Well, those are just a few of the questions leading in to what's sure to be an epic Game of Thrones finale. Will Joffrey get slapped in the face again? Can Cersei do a keg stand? Tune in Sunday night at 9 p.m. Eastern and Pacific to find out, and be sure to check out Hollywood.com's recap after the show!
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[PHOTO CREDIT: HBO]