If You Ate One Too Many Hot Dogs:
We promise you, you absolutely didn't even eat even close to those competing in this year's Nathan's Famous July 4 International Hot Dog Eating Contest. Feel better about your own glutton-fest
by tuning into the nauseatingly awesome competitive eating contest at 3 PM on ESPN.
If You Agree That Katy Perry's "Firework" Is the Only Non-Patriotic Acceptable 4th of July Anthem:
Because, and we cannot stress this enough, people, Bruce Springsteen
's "Born in the USA," is a great song, but not an appropriate one for Independence Day. Please, go back and really
listen. (Don't make that mistake, Glee
kids!) Enjoy Katy Perry
's Grammy-winning ear worm, this time with actual fireworks (it's so literal
) when she performs the hit on NBC's Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular
at 9 PM ET.
If You're Cranky About the State of the Union:
No, don't tune into Fox News or CNN as that most certainly won't help matters. Instead, watch the latest installment of The Soup
on E! (10 PM ET) and watch Joel McHale
be rightfully curmudgeonly towards all the worst people in America: reality stars!
If You Want to Be a "True American" On the 4th of July:
Take a refresher course on how play the greatest game in the history of television and America
when Fox airs a mini-New Girl
marathon starting at 8 PM ET. Just don't tell Schmidt about all those hot dogs you ate. He treats his body like a temple, you treat it like garbage.
If You Want to Pay Tribute to a National Treasure:
The Style network is re-running the late, great Nora Ephron
's romantic comedy classic Sleepless in Seattle
at 11:30 PM ET.
[Photo credit: Virginia Sherwood/NBC]