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'The Bachelorette' Men Tell All: Much Ado About Nothing

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Jul 16, 2012 | 9:42pm EDT

ALTWell, America. We were promised an episode of The Bachelorette tonight where the men would TELL ALL. There would be no-holds-barred, no secret left untold, no story not shared. Mysteries revealed! Intrigue! Minds shocked and jaws dropped! Dish about Emily Maynard's actual accent! It was going to be the perfect two hour extravaganza of dramarific escapism. And I was ready. I had cordoned off two hours of my evening to balk at the audacity of Kalon. To shake my fist until it fell off at Alessandro. I was going to yell at my television and throw plastic grenades at my television every time the soul-sucking dillwad that is Ryan came on the screen. I had even remembered my irrational and misplaced hatred of Stevie! And then there was that guy with the ostrich egg! I was ready to laugh and judge for two Chris Harrison-fueled hours of slack-jawed, immature broheims. And I was so excited about it; I was so ready. I mean, just look at how ready I was before the show started! Look at this real, live, actual footage of me, sitting in my apartment. Do you see the hope and joy I had behind my eyes?:

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OK so maybe I'm not Michael Jackson, but I was definitely that enthused. And I was over-the-moon excited about the prospect of a night of judgmental television watching because if that isn't what American freedom is for then I don't know what is, you know what I'm saying? Are you picking up what I'm putting down here? The severity of this situation and my overall gleeful anticipation of 'The Men Tell All' episode? OK, good. Just wanted to be clear and not-at-all-subtle (and maybe even a little bit melodramatic which is totally not my speed at all, har har har) about it.

So now you can probably imagine at this point that I was pretty gutted by the whole lack-of-anything-interesting-at-all-ever that occurred from what Harrison had the audacity of calling "the most emotional season ever." Chris! Come ON my dude because you know right now that was a lie that you just let slip out of your well-trained mouth and I cannot deal with liars. But I mean, this tell-all was so boring I considered lighting my eyelashes on fire for better entertainment. There was nothing entertaining about this episode of the show. There was nothing said that we didn't already know. There was one moment that I laughed during the entire thing. ONE thing (when Chris went commando in Croatia because that is pretty funny when you're wearing a kilt). Otherwise I was barely awake. I was more enthusiastic about a commercial for a stay-cool bean pillow that I saw before the show began.

So what did they talk about in the world's most repetitive and not-at-all informative two hours that I cannot get back no matter how hard I wish to that weird little gypsy machine on the boardwalk? Well, let's see! It's all so new and interesting and different from everything else we've talked about throughout the entire season, so get ready to have your mind BLOWN.

Emily talks about Ricki! She thinks Ryan's "dumb comments" were in the "Top 3" worst of all time. Trophy wife! And Kalon the a**hole! He still makes her blood boil and she is so angry! She thinks he said that out of spite and jealousy because he didn't get a rose. And the Doug kiss! So awkward! And Eggman (Travis?)! Chris can't dance! Everyone hates Kalon and everyone hates Doug because he is too nice! And everyone hates Ryan and for that Ryan is confused! So he talked down to the guys!

Did you know that Chris is real mad at Doug? It's true, I know! You are very surprised. Chris is also 25! He is young! He is scared. He is also angry! And heartbroken! But Emily taught him falling in love is so special. So, you know he's so looking forward to that sometime in the future when he's not 25.

Also: Stevie! Man that guy is the spitting image of my collegiate nemesis.

So, as you can see, none of this was at-all boring or uninteresting or before seen on camera. So crazy, right?

So what DID we actually learn that was new and different from this episode? Two things: 1.) John is wears pink pants, and 2.) Emily is going to do the running man at the 'After The Rose' ceremony.

That's it. That is literally it. Nothing else happened. Can someone bring Jake Pavelka and/or Vienna Sausage back to the program so something interesting will happen again? I never thought I would say that, ever (because man oh man are those two are the worst). A few of the guys were in the HOTSEAT which should have been renamed the TEPIDSEAT because that s**t was lukewarm at best. Ryan, Chris, Kalon, and Sean all got up in that seat and said somethings. Namely:

Chris called Kalon out for "putting a target on [his] own back," though Kalon didn't agree (though Kalon is also lying and probably just playing into the villain role he was assigned this season. I wonder if he'll stay the course of terribleness during Bachelor Pad). Chris doesn't respect Kalon which is surprising to zero point zero percent of the population. Apparently though, even without Chris' respect, somehow Kalon namedrops him as one of his "great friends" from the show. This also included Tony who just sort of stared down at his shoes and counted the fibers in the rug because har har har isn't that awkward?

Ryan, the world's worst human talks about how he's not arrogant because arrogance is misplaced confidence or whatever and he hasn't misplaced his confidence anywhere! It is like a giant duvet that he wraps around himself. Only the duvet is tattered and grimey because he has to wear it everywhere he goes to keep the peons at bay. And when you're walking around outside all the time with a duvet on...well it kind of makes it a tough road for the duvet. Just ask any of the homeless people that also sport this neat new fashion trend. The dudes all hate Ryan so much--which is so surprising, I know. Chris and Ryan get into a pissing contest over something stupid like bees and at this point I flung myself out of my apartment window and died. Only I didn't die because I am contractually obligated to write about this show so my ghost begrudgingly returned to my apartment to finish this recap. Welcome the world's first television recap ever written by a ghost! EXCLUSIVE! Also apparently Ryan kept a journal. I've seen the journal and it's just 200 pages Ryan writing his own name with hearts around them or whatever. Over and over and over again. It's kind of weird. But like he said in the TEPIDSEAT, for him, coming on this show was never "fully about Emily" he was looking for his wife, not necessarily Emily. Right. Yes. OK.

Also, the human sterilizer took a moment to explain that "there's not a chance that I'm an arrogant a**." Nope! Not a chance at all, Ryan. He also told a bunch of dudes that he thought the final two would be him and Arie, and that if Arie won he'd be the next Bachelor. Because, DUH. Total package, this one! At this point Chris Harrison puts out a special PSA to quell the nerves of the nation by letting us know that Ryan won't ever be the next Bachelor. It is a golden moment (though that isn't saying much when you're neck-deep in turds). Also Ryan tried to "put into context" the fat comment he made so that people would "understand the humor of it." Nope! Still s***ty in context! Thanks for playing, though! This man is so clueless that he thinks people are laughing WITH him when they point and laugh at him and say that comment back to him (that whole "I'll love you I just won't love on you so much!" for those that needed their blood to be re-boiled). Because DUH America! Fat people are the world's most grossest things and they should be sterilized and sent out to die for the entertainment of the skinny attractive folk that deserve love and happiness: like Ryan! Total catch, this one. Get in LINE ladies!

There was a bunch of yelling for Sean which reminds everyone why that tall glass of lukewarm milk will probably be in the running to be The Bachelor next season. I still vote for Roberto Martinez but that's because I think Sean is sort of a dud and never got the appeal of him. He's nice though? So, like, cool I guess? Also Sean cries because he's sensitive and in touch with his emotions and man enough to shed a tear over love or something waxy like that. So, you know, if you like Sean before this episode you still liked Sean after it. Hooray for Sean fans!

Emily comes out and pretty much says nothing except for calling Kalon a politician because he's "full of s**t." There was some jabbering on about Twitter updates and pictures and the crappy things people say on The Internet because it is like a giant fake veil of anonymity (hi Bachelorette dudes!), and all Kalon can say is "I'm flattered that you care enough about me to follow me on Twitter." Sick burn, brah.

The evening ends with a few quick things: Emily says her type of dude is "like a tattooed homeless man" and I am not at all making this up. She also goes on AGAIN to say just great top two finalists Jef With One F and Arie are, which is great to hear because I haven't really been sure of her opinions on them at all this season. She's been so elusive about that, you know?

Then came the part where they basically told us that Jef With One F is totally going to win The Bachelorette. I mean COME ON can we have a moment for that package? Like, Arie got 13 seconds of "oh hey I love Emily and wait where are you going cameraman come baaaaaaaac--" and then Jef With One F got a five-hour-long video montage of his moments with Emily with a bunch of really soggy music playing in the background. "I feel like we'll have a love that will make the storybooks jealous." VOM VOM VOM LOVE IS GROSS, ETC. I mean all I'm saying is that I would just be really, really surprised if he doesn't win after all of this stuff, you know?

The clips from Sunday's 3 hour (3 #$^@#*& HOURS?!) season finale shows Emily crying and they try to make it seem like she's not going to pick either dude, which, ha! Please. One word: babies. Come on now! There will be a live 'After The Rose' special which is where Jef and Emily will probably coo at each other and maybe Jef will meet Ricki for the first time or whatever. Or, you know, maybe Arie? (There's no way Arie is winning this. Call me, though, boo. I can console real nice-like.) What I am thinking is that because Emily is all misses-do-goody, she realizes that she's chosen one dude well before the ceremony (Jef), and then, to insure the other dude (Arie) doesn't humiliate himself with a proposal she won't accept, she has to tell him no before the final rose ceremony. And so she cries and cries and Chris Harrison tells her to nut up or whatever. And so that is my hypothesis about what all that tomfoolery is actually all about. You can't fool me, editors! Someone owes me a box of Samoa Girl Scout cookies if I'm right, by the way.

So what did you think of the 'Men Tell All' special? Are you Team Arie or Team Jef With One F? Drop some knowledge on us in the comments!

[Image Credit: ABC]

[GIF Credit: Reddit]

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes

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