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'Guys with Kids' Teaches Us 5 New Uses for Children

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Sep 13, 2012 | 6:54am EDT

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On Wednesday night, the new Jimmy Fallon-produced situation comedy Guys with Kids premiered on NBC — the most appropriate network, really, since the episode could have doubled as a very handy "The More You Know" PSA segment. While viewers thought they were just getting themselves into a half-hour of comedy, they were really treated to an educational video on what to do with your children. See, for years now, people have been clueless about many of the possible applications for the human baby. Yeah, they're fun to look at for a while, and can be effective paperweights. But the opportunities are boundless! Thankfully, the forces of Jesse Bradford, Anthony Anderson, and Zach Cregger have combined to teach America the most valuable lesson of all: What Guys Can Do with Kids!

Use them as high five/fist bump substitutes

Picture this: you're enjoying a few beers with your hilarious pal and he cracks one of his signature one-liners. That definitely deserves one up high! But wait — your hands are full! Smirnoff Ice in one hand, the iPhone 5 in the other. How are you expected to pay due respect to the classic jab? Simple: with the babies strapped to your chests. Just stand up, approach a range where the following action would be markedly emphatic yet harmlessly gentle, and let your offspring act as your otherwise occupied fists. The phrase "baby bump" takes on a new, significantly less grating meaning. Guys with Kids offers several depictions of how the baby bump is both a fun and safe alternative to its manual predecessor; it's a great way to celebrate sports victories and the scoring of dates alike. And speaking of which...

Use them as the ultimate wingmen

As we saw in the Guys with Kids pilot, a baby can be a very effective tool for earning the eye of a bar patron. After all, only the sweetest, most mature men worthy of your attention would deign to take his infant son or daughter to a crowded pub in the middle of the day. Because he wants to share his interests! In any event, the baby can be a make-or-break element in winning over attractive strangers. Just direct your child toward the target of your desires and let the eyes shine. Bradford's character managed to win a date to a Knicks game thanks to the little tyke harnessed to his torso. 

Use them to win arguments

This one's for the ladies! In Guys with Kids, Chris' (Bradford) ex-wife Sheila (Erinn Hayes) mastered the handy technique of reminding her highly scorned former husband that no matter what the argument, she should automatically claim victory as their son "grew inside of her." An insuperable maneuver, as there is little a male can say to counter this fact. It's not only effective, it's conducive to the healthy relationship you'll want your child to witness as he grows. Win-win!

Pretend they're dogs

Raising kids can be difficult. Raising dogs is generally less so — though we've all come across the occasional demanding Corgi. As Anderson's character demonstrates to audiences on the show, strapping a leash on your kid and walking him around the mall can be a great, therapeutic way to ease tension and enjoy the fantasy of pet ownership. Of course, you'll have to remember to keep your eye on the kid. Whereas dogs do not typically sport any sort of pant garment in which to place clothing store shoehorns, children do. And they've got minds just open enough to think, "Well, I've got pants, and I've got a shoehorn. Where do we go from here?"

Ask Kareem Abdul Jabbar to "dunk" one of 'em

Holy cow, there he is: Kareem Abdul Jabbar.The guy from Airplane! ... and, I guess, an iconic former professional athlete. In any event, you're face to face with the seven-foot-two pop culture legend, your favorite basketball player ever, and you haven't got anything for him to autograph. Not a ball, not a jersey, not your framed photograph of Scottie Pippen (okay, so maybe Kareem isn't your favorite, but he's up there). Nothing. But what do you have? Your baby. So what should you ask Kareem to do? Dunk him. As Guys with Kids teaches us, having a relative stranger dunk your infant son — largely as a method of spiting your ex-wife — is good, harmless fun. And something that will inevitably convince her that you're a father who deserves to be trusted.

[Photo Credit: NBC]

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