Do you hear what I hear? Good, because Winston sure can't. It's the New Girl Christmas episode recap! The ep was aptly titled "Santa" as it brought fans just about everything they would ask for. (Well, except for a Nick and Jess hookup, we haven't been that nice this year.)
In fact, here's our New Girl Christmas checklist for "Santa" and Santa. We're makin' it twice…gonna find out…nice….I don't know the wooooorrrrds!
1. Jess to get back together with cute doctor Sam (David Walton), for some reason: We didn't really miss Sam, and apparently neither did Jess. Or maybe she did. But then she didn't again and was trying to play coy when she saw her ex at not one, but two holiday parties, one of which he surprisingly spent pleading with her for them to get back together. Still, the two have good chemistry and he is awfully cute, and as Jess (and the show's writers) are insistent on reminding us, her biological clock is ticking. After a madcap dash (is there any other kind?) through his hospital Jess decides to put her former fears aside and give Sam another shot. In the end, this all could have just been a thinly veiled excuse to let Zooey Deschanel sing, but we'll take it.
2. Nick Miller, gettin' all sexy up in here: Goodbye, old, cranky Nick Miller (Jake Johnson, you magnificent bastard) who has been turning lemonade into lemons since 1981. Hello, new Nick Miller living on the edge. This Nick Miller now dates an outrageous, unpredictable stripper named Angie (Olivia Munn) because she makes him step out of his comfort zone (including having sex in a sled at someone else's holiday party) and get in touch with new feelings. Well that, and she's crazy hot. I can't imagine these two becoming a long-term thing, because despite "new" Nick doing things like making romantic gestures at parties and even stripping, Angie's hotness won't be able to trump the fact that, deep down, he'll always be old Nick. Plus, would he say, "You're the kinda girl a guy would come back for" to Angie? Maybe. But he definitely said it to Jess.
3. Frankincense, myrrh, Schmidt, and tungsten carbide: Despite not celebrating White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night, Cece still got her off-again ex Schmidt a present, a tungsten carbide bracelet like the ones Jason Statham wears in the Transporter movies; it's the "most baller of all the metals." But rather than be grateful, the still-bitter Schmidt was outwardly mean to Cece (there's a fine line between douche and actual terrible person, and Schmidt really walked that line last night) and even threatened to give his thoughtful gift away to some random girl at a party. Eventually, Schmidt came around (bracelets from friends are the best kind), but Cece is still too damn good for him, in every way.
4. Winston to get something to do: Poor Winston/Winnie. The only one in the entire gang who still believes in Santa and the guy gets a cranberry stuck in his ear and temporary deafness as his plot line. He's officially become the Lenny of New Girl. Not Lenny!
5. These one-liners from the gang: "We were on very strict orders from Rabbi Schimmel not to say a word until the last Christian kid found out about Santa Claus. Ruining Christmas? Very bad for our brand." "Pastel walls give me the chills." "It's all wreaths, no trees." “He's a really respected DJ [who] was also an actor on Boy Meets World.“ "I feel like a bird. Are none of these doors?!" "I would trade places with you in a second, except for the mustache." “I am not just the vehicle you get to ride to Pleasure Town. Be gone, honky!" "You are as dumb as it gets!" "Why would a good looking person ever become a doctor?" “David… Hanukkah… menorah.” “I’m so sick of hanging out with Christians. This is my last Christian Christmas!”
6. Black Santa!: He exists! ("What is he doing? He should be at home getting ready!")
7. Nick Miller, again: "I'm very poor, having a checking account would be an honor. I'm a writer, I've written a zombie novel, it's terrible. I'm a slow runner. I'm obsessed with karate."
So, Happy Moon Festival, Happy Carnivale, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and see you in the New Year, New Girl fans.
[Photo credit: Greg Gayne/FOX]