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Top Quotes from 'Saturday Night Live's' Weekend Update

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Sep 15, 2008 | 11:38am EDT

AMY POEHLER:

1. "The presidential race continued to tighten up--in fact, according to some polls, John McCain is only 6 points behind Sarah Palin."

2. "A Catholic priest on the University of Illinois campus has been charged with selling cocaine from his church office and rectory. Police became suspicious when he said mass in nine minutes flat."

3. "A city official in Miami-Dade is proposing a resolution to have a street named after Jose Canseco changed because of the baseball player's admitted steroid use. The proposed new name: 'Shrunken Cul-de-Sac.'"

4. "Senator Larry Craig asked a court on Wednesday to void the guilty plea he made following his arrest last year in a bathroom-sex sting operation. Then when the request was denied, he asked if he could use the bathroom."

5. "An elephant in China that had become addicted to heroin at the hands of illegal traders will return home after three years of rehabilitation--and then, I'm guessing, release a crappy acoustic album. "

SETH MEYERS:

1. "Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be replaced by Matt Cassel, an untested, inexperienced back-up...earning Cassel the nickname 'Sarah Palin.'"

2. "O.J. Simpson's trial for kidnapping, armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon started Monday. Man, you know you've lived a crazy life when a trial for kidnapping, armed robbery and assault isn't your most interesting trial."

3. "Russell Crowe recently pleaded with Australian authorities to grant entry into the country for his friend Snoop Dogg, who is banned because of his drug arrests... Begging the question, 'Is there a worse guy to vouch for you than Russell Crowe?'"

4. "A freshman at Michigan State University was randomly assigned to the same dorm room his father occupied in 1978...a fact that will no doubt cross his mind every time he masturbates."

5. "Drew Gray, a 5-year-old in Illinois, scored a hole-in-one at a par 3 golf course this week--though he still finished the day 229 over par."

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