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'The Bachelor' Recap: Never Let Them See You Sparkle

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Feb 11, 2013 | 10:18pm EST

The Bachelor

Well, America. It is done. Everything that you have waited for: all the hoping, the cursing, the wishing — it's all lead to this moment. And for that we have to thank not Sean Lowe, but Shay, his sister. Tierrable is gone. And it was good. It's all anyone can talk about!

Sure, AshLee and her confusingly-capitalized name share part of the glory on this one. And I guess Sean, too, for finally cutting what could've been his Ben Flajnik-sized noose, but the real hero tonight was undoubtedly Shay. Shay, who Sean so looks up to and admires. Shay, with the blondest of locks and the happiest of families — she has everything Sean has ever wanted, and so he knows he can trust her. Let's face it: she was probably the only one who could've broken the cursed spell that Tierrable had placed upon our fair suitor. 

Boys, if you learned anything from watching this episode (with your wife or girlfriend or sister, obviously wink wink nudge nudge), it's this: always listen to your sister. Always. No matter what. Because sisters are geniuses. Real smart cookies. And also they care about you a lot and know what's best for you. Why? Because. Just because.

If only all brothers heeded advice as well as our fair Sean did. So as a fellow older sister to an equally-as-blonde younger brother, I salute you, Shay. You vanquished a beast. Sean thanks you. The girls thank you. America thanks you.

Sure, there are other things to talk about in this episode. There were so many confessions! Catherine's father confession, overly NeeDy AshLee's confession that she was one of those teenagers that got married in high school (but since divorced!), and Lesley's confession (to the camera) that she was falling in love with Sean.

But we all want to talk about Tierrable anyway — I mean this season could literally just be renamed The Tierra Show and no one would blink —so why even bother with the other crap? There were one-on-one dates and three-on-one dates. Lindsay got a rose, which literally NO ONE saw coming (I think Lindsay included), and everyone got excited about the upcoming hometown dates. And with those few sentences, you're all caught up on the stuff that isn't Tierrably Tierracentric. So let's get down to business.

RELATED: 'The Bachelor' Recap: Winter is Coming. And It is Tierrable.

There are certain people in this world that are just sort of awful. You run into these people most frequently right out of college. Because these Baby Einsteins have been told their whole lives that they're unique snowflakes that deserve everything they ever want and then after that, they'll become President of the United States or the head of a bank (basically the same thing). They're told that they'll find THE most handsome man or THE most beautiful woman, they'll have THE most beautiful wedding and THE most perfect children and THE most perfect home and THE most perfect job and then everything will just be perfect and happy and wonderful. And that anything that gets in the way of such a dream is THE enemy. From age Jell-O til age 22, these bouncing beacons of the future are engrained with such truths.

And when they grow up and realize that none of their parents placating bulls**t was true, they turn into evil ogres of narcissism and unhappiness. Enter: Tierrable. She's 24. And here she has, volunteered as tribute. Because the way Tierrable has acted the whole show, you'd think she was being thrown into the damn Hunger Games.

It was one of the more epic go-down-in-flame situations seen on reality television. Here was a girl who tried so hard to be seen as The Victim because, duh, what else could she be, and ended up the biggest villain. And so mommy's perfect, sparkly princess started to unravel because she saw her ability to control the situation vanish.

Her unraveling started early on in the episode, when she was not selected for the first one-on-one date with Sean. That honor went to world's most delicate flower, AsHLeE. AshLee has some pretty major issues with abandonment, so it's not surprising that she would want to get Tierrable out of the way of her own happiness. (Heck, it's Tierrable's tunnel-vision way every single time she wants a lady that is "messing with her" off the show.) I believe her when she says her discussion of Tierrable's antics were coming from a place of caring — she really does seem genuine there — but ultimately she was looking out for herself. She didn't want to get hurt, and Tierrable certainly had the ability to hurt AshLee based on the hold she had on Sean alone. 

But let's get back to the misfit toy that is Tierrable, because that's what we're all here for, anyway. Lest you had any inkling of sympathy for the girl, she brings out the big guns for AshLee's one-on-one date. A lovely sing-songy rendition of "The cougar's back in town!" Oh that Tierrable, always so thoughtful! You see, Tierrable, as a 24 year-old woman, has it all together. She just gets it! She understands life! And real life means having a husband and a family and 2.5 children and a dog before the AARP man starts calling your name. Which, we all know is 30. So for AshLee to be here at 32?! How is she still allowed to exist on the planet?! What's wrong with her?! Does she have a secret penis? Is she actually an alien from another planet? Everybody knows that anybody worth dating will be snatched up and married by the age of 30, so, like, EW.

It's easy to tell the story of Tierrable's general The Worstness by describing the things she does, the words she says. But it's far more satisfying to let her own words do all the explaining. "When I'm 32 I want to be married with kids and have my life set," wise archangel Tierrable stated. "Why hasn't she found anyone to settle down with yet?" True, Tierrable: why hasn't she? BURN ASHLEE ALIVE AT THE STAKE. It is the only way! And bonus: it'll ward off witches and old crones.

But Tierrable's time for vindication is here: at last! A one-on-one date with Sean! Oh the glory: what is he going to do? Shall they venture out on a private yacht? Will they ferry off to their island built for two, made of gold and rubies? Will she be carried on a mattress to Sean's hotel room where they will ravage each other's bodies in a ritual to right a world so wronged by so many over-30 singles?

RELATED: 'The Bachelor' Recap: Sean Lowe and The Not-So-Happy Campers

No! Ugh, it's like, so totally unfair because like, Tierrable has to suffer (but oh how she's suffered so already!) through walking on the same streets as all those Normals and Tourists that are also in St. Croix! It's awful! How is she supposed to fall in love in such an ordinary place? What is she, some sort of plebe? Please, Sean.

NEXT: Tierrable Is Delusional...

Thankfully, Tierrable is the patron saint of Dealing, because she pulled her favorite Happy Tierra mask out of the trunk (it's under her cot) and served Sean some OMG So Excited Realness! Lucky for her, Sean could probably see how much she had to suffer, so he buys her some baubles! She literally is heard saying that it was first-date appropriate. Which, I went on a first date this week and I couldn't even get the guy to buy me a coffee! So clearly Tierrable's delusion runs deep (and/or I have extremely low expectations of men).

After Sean confronts Tierrable about the house, her immediate reaction is to complain that all of the girls are jealous of her. Because of a rose she got. On the first episode of the show. Weeks ago. A rose that literally means nothing now. Yes, because all human beings are just that petty and care that much about s**t like that. Tierrable, you are so wise: like a tiny, tanned Buddha. Tell me all of the secrets of the universe!

Instantly, Tierrable knows the girls have been s**t-talking her: and given this "distance" she feels with Sean and how it coincides with AshLee's one-on-one, she knows she's been thrown. But where? Under the bus! The only problem is that, woops, Tierrable loves getting thrown under busses. (She equally enjoys pain and public transportation.) Because that means injuries, which means tears, which means more attention from Sean. This girl's manipulation techniques are so f**king embedded in her damn DNA I don't even think she realizes. I mean, I would hope that's her excuse because it's the only one.

"I'm playing the game right back, I'm not letting any of these girls stop me, I am not," Tierrable declared in an interview. She told Sean that she cares about him a lot and she hopes their journey continues because she's falling in love with him. Complete with a cutesy eye squint and a small and a kiss before Sean had any time to process or ask questions. Shut 'em up with a kiss on the mouth! I mean, it works all the time for dudes in movies, right?

 So since Tierrable's date was "soft," she knows that means everything is spinning out of control and therefore needs a bit of damage control. The only problem is that Tierrable's version of damage control involves going 150% off the deep end. But it's not her fault, you guys! None of this is! Tierrable is not in control! If she was in control, duh, this would all be perfect. But she's not, so everything is going wrong and people are the meanest! She can't control her eyebrows. She can't control what her face does. She can't control anything! 

So AshLee and Tierrable fight. All while Sean sits blissfully unaware, chatting up his sister and savior, Shay.  

Instead of a play-by-play, I feel this hurricane of bats**ttery can only be told in Tierrable's own words. She's very intuitive and not-at-all delusional. So here's what she had to say.

"Yeah, girls are jealous! Men love me!"

"I'm not going to sit around talking about high school stuff. I'm 24 years old and you're 32."

"When you throw someone under the bus it actually backfires."

"That's just my character!"

"I know that in my own skin, I'm not rude."

"I am not perfect, get over it."

"I know I'm a nice girl and I'm a nice friend. So if I don't say 'hi,' it's not because I'm rude." No, it's her character! (But wait, personal character or evil-TV-villain character? Also, which one's worse?)

At one point AshLee reveals to the audience that at some point during filming, Tierrable allegedly admitted her parents were worried about Tierrable being on the show because she doesn't get along well with other people. (NO! Really?) After hearing this, Tierrable lost it, and cried out in defense of herself the greatest line in Bachelor history:

  • "My parents told me 'Tierra you have a sparkle, do not let those girls take your sparkle away!'" 

Mind you, poor Shay was just sitting outside while all of this went on. And it seems like she must've sat for a whole lot longer than the show led us to believe. But still she sits, patiently waiting for her brother to return because she cares about him! She doesn't want Sean to end up with "that one," which is hilarious because Tierrable is "that one." So Sean decides to go grab her to talk to Shay because if a girl cannot get along with other girls, Shay believes that to be trouble. I mean, girl-on-girl hate can get pretty ugly.

RELATED: 'The Bachelor' Recap: Wheelin' and Dealin'

So Tierrable and Sean are talking after he makes his way to the house to fetch Tierrable to meet his sister. The girls are on the couch, purposefully left in the dark because HELLO! Drama and unknown at the rose ceremony: a winning combination!

As for Tierrable? Well, she's just so broken by other people trying to bring her down! Her life, as you know, has been really hard. She's been told to sparkle her whole life but these women won't let her shine! "This is just so hard for me, Sean," Tierrable yelped between sobs. "And you know that. I'm so sensitive and I have such a big heart but I'm just so scared of this whole process and I don't know how to take it." So what's a girl to do in that situation? Be honest, duh! "I think I'm going to be honest with you because I always am. My date with you has been heavy on my heart and I took it really hard because I knew that there was distance between you and I, and today I confronted somebody because I felt like that person sabotaged our connection."

NEXT: Yes, The World Is Out to Get You...

At this point, I think Sean is finally starting to see that maybe the girls aren't so off base. He demands to know who she confronted, and Tierrable says that AshLee has been "hounding her" and that it was all her that "made it an issue" and that Tierrable just "hates being like this" with Sean, but "it's just so hard." and she doesn't want to sit and talk about it because she's scared of going into tonight. Also probably because she's scared if she leaves Sean to actually use his brain and think about this situation, he'll realize how nutter butters it all is — or she'll run out of excuses and ways to blame other people for her actions. "I get emotional because I care and they don't think I do," she explained. 

And in true Tierrable style, her first words after the door of the van to take her away shuts? "I can't believe they did this to me!"

That is right, Tierrable! The world IS out to get you. This whole show is actually a conspiracy created by some girls from your high school that were like, so totally jealous of you because you were asked to prom by like, 3 different people and so they've made it their life quest to ruin yours.  

THE TIME HAS COME TO SEND THIS CRAZY THE WAY OF SEAN'S SHIRT BUDGET: OUT THE WINDOW AND INTO THE GARBAGE.

The icing on the cake of this clusterf**k of crazy? Sean calls Tierrable an "emotional mess" on national television. Satisfaction? Thy name is televised dating competitions. 

In the end, Lesley was sent packing after some concocted drama about the possibility of AshLee going home. Next week we have the hometown dates! And it looks like Desiree's family (the one that she cried about at the mere mention, she loves them so much) is packing some serious resentment towards Mr. Lowe. Drama! It's what this show is here for, after all.

What did you think of this week's episode? Glad Tierrable is gone at last? Sound off in the comments!

[Photo Credit: Francisco Roman/ABC]

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes!

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