Ah, Cinco de Mayo. A yearly tradition in which you cast aside your day-to-day distractions to honor the most important triumph in global history... or to mourn the most decadent tragedy... or maybe it's somebody's birthday? My friend said it was Mexican Independence Day, but my other friend said that a Snapple cap told her that wasn't true, so we're kind of at a loss here on what Cinco de Mayo actually is. Lo and behold, reverence aside, people still find a reason to celebrate. And plenty of cocktails to celebrate with.
Just as real as the general public's emotional investment in May 5 as more than just an excuse to go all Caligula are the various beverages suggested by our pals on the small screen as worthy liver-killers for just such an occasion. Yes, television has come up with some wily alcoholic concoctions — some that seem like they'd fit just fine as staples in your liquor cabinet, others that warrant a hesitant morbid curiosity. Here's Hollywood.com's 100-proof menu of TV drinks to make your Cinco de Mayo a bit more... colorful.
From the top shelves of: 30 Rock, recently re-bottled by the Mad Men universe
Ingredients: Red wine, tonic water, and olives
Drinking buddies: The cowardly White House employee Cooter Burger (pictured above), or Peggy Olson's all-smiles boss Ted.
From the top shelves of: Parks and Recreation
Ingredients: The official description of Snake Juice is "a bunch of alcohol mixed together, some sugar and coffee, and some other junk, and it kinda tastes like Kahlua."
Drinking buddies: An overly confident Tom Haverford, a belligerent Leslie Knope, a musically-insistent Andy Dwyer, and (best of all) a giddily dancing Ron Swanson.
From the top shelves of: The Office
Ingredients: Vodka and orange juice... no, it's not a screwdriver. They're completely different.
Drinking buddies: Michael Scott... and probably Meredith Palmer.
From the top shelves of: The Simpsons
Ingredients: 1 oz each brandy, peppermint schnapps, sloe gin, blackberry licquer, strawberry juice, and a bunch of cough syrup.
Drinking buddies: Co-creators Homer Simpson and Moe Szyslak, with Carl, Lenny, and Barney Gumble also being reliable choices.
Black Yukon Sucker Punch
From the top shelves of: Twin Peaks
Ingredients: 1 shot each Yukon Black and Blackberry Brandy, a dash of bitters, and one egg white.
Drinking buddies: A reluctant Sheriff Harry Truman, a slow-sipping Agent Dale Cooper, and any eager justice of the peace you can muster up.
Drink responsibly, everybody. While TV paints a vivid picture, it doesn't always capture the true perils of alcohol: nasty hangovers and the proclivity for drunk texts. Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Follow Michael Arbeiter on Twitter @MichaelArbeiter