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Dear RuPaul, The 'RuPaul's Drag Race' Finale Is Too Damn Long

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May 07, 2013 | 2:35pm EDT

Credit: Logo

Dear RuPaul,

I have been with you since Season 1 of RuPaul's Drag Race, when no one figured out just what "creativity, uniqueness, nerve, and talent" stood for yet. And I stood by you. I stood by you during the atrocity of crowning Tyra Sanchez the winner, through the double scariness of Chad Michaels' and Detox's lips, and even through the horrible teams concept of the All-Star's season. I even stood with you through Phi Phi O'Hara! But there is something I can no longer tolerate. This might be the end of our relationship altogether. Ru, sister, squirrelfriend. No tea, no shade, but your finale is too damn long!

Seriously, two hours. Two hours? Last year it was bad enough when you threw us all for a surprise and said you wouldn't announce the winner until the reunion a week after the final episode of the competition. That was annoying, but at least we knew what we were in for this year. But then we rev up the DVR and it tells us we have to watch for two hours before we find out who takes the crown. We had to dedicate the same amount if time it takes to watch four episodes of 1 Girl 5 Gays to just one finale. We only got one RuPaul when we could have had 4 girls and 20 gays! And the hour was more padded than Alaska's skinny ass in a Dress Like Divine challenge. I don't want to see Penny Tration try to read the other queens and I had forgotten, entirely, what a Lenatia Sparx is. Even when I saw her I sounded like a crack-addled owl, "Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?" Yes, all of these lesser queens, like Honey Mahogany's wig, are better seen in the opening dance number and then retired to the background for the rest of the show. 

I get it, I do. Logo needs to capitalize on its one success and super-sizing their one hit show so that it is longer than a pair of Latrice Royal's control top pantyhose. But isn't that what Drag U is for? And that awful All-Stars season? Between tacking each episode of Untucked onto the end each episode when it records on the DVR and forcing us to watch this reunion, you've already squeezed as much juice out of these fruits as you can. Why do you need to make it two lame hours? Just cut to the chase already. Tell us who wins, make a few lame jokes about Michelle Visage, and let us get back to watching reruns of SVU episodes we've already seen like we always do! There is capitalizing on your success, but this is just rubbing our faces in it to the point of exhaustion. 

I'm not complaining about the outcome of the show. You totally made the right pick with Jinkx Monsoon as the winner, but if you're going to make us sit there for 120 minutes, we need more than just stupid interviews with queens we don't even care about. You didn't even put Alyssa Edwards and Coco Montrese in a cage match and make them brawl it out. I could watch that for a day and a half! Jazz it up or cut it down, but right now your show is more bloated than Lady Bunny at an all-you-can-eat BBQ joint. 

Thanks for listening, Ru. Good luck on the next season finale. And don't f**k it up. 

Love (Yourself So You Can Love Someone Else),
Brian 

Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan

More:
Why 'RuPaul's Drag Race' Is the Best Reality Show on TV
RuPaul, We Demand You Announce a 'Drag Race' Winner Right Now
'RuPaul's Drag Star' Santino Rice Is Shockingly Buff


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