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'AHS: Coven' Recap: The Power of Plot-holes

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Nov 21, 2013 | 12:00pm EST

American Horror Story, recapFX

The episode begins with a flashback of Kyle (Evan Peters) telling his friends how much he hates tattoos. He goes on a touching monologue about what he wants from his life, including a shout out to Katrina. Then he awakes to find out he is made of all of his friend’s tattooed parts. Oh writers, how you wound!

Speaking of long monologues. Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) has become super emo since being resurrected. She can’t feel anything since her nerve endings are dead, so she whines and eats everything in the house. She also takes time to eat a miraculous concoction that conveniently cuts her time in the make-up chair makes her look less zombie-fied. Who doesn’t want to be brought back to life to eat an entire chicken?

Did someone mention eating an entire chicken? Precious Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) and Madam Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) wake up for a midnight snack, because why stop pandering to stereotypes now, right writers? So they bond over a super-sized meal at a fast food joint. Delphine lays it down sharply and says the writers witches will never accept or value Queenie because she’s black.

Meanwhile, in the poorly scored sub-plot, Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange) is having a Sex and the City  moment. The gratuitous saxophone riffs give a Pavlovian expectation to hear Sarah Jessica Parker doing the voice over.Mr. Big Axe has been stalking me since I was a child but why didn’t he ever tell me I was special? More importantly what’s a girl to do when she starts losing her hair. Hair care in this city can be such a witch. It makes me wonder...can a working witch in this city have it all? 

It turns out the Axeman (Danny Huston)has been macking creeping looking in on Fiona since she was 8 years-old. Of course, it was only paternal until he saw her naked as a teenager. Despite the creep factor of a ghost haunting you since you were a child knowing he was waiting to jump your bones is just too icky.  

Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson) is having major psychic flashes but still can’t see her husband Hank (Josh Hamilton) wants to kill her. She finds out that Fiona murdered Madison and declares war on her mother. She enlists Zoe’s help since she may be the new supreme. She also encourages her to drink since alcohol makes people super adept at complex magic.

Madison decides she will spend her afterlife causing drama. Apparently, the only way for her to feel is to have sex with another dead person and then get caught. The fetish of getting caught is apparently so thrilling it supersedes life and death. Rejoice, fans of sex in bathrooms!

After magically learning magic (see what I did there?), Zoe reanimates and reattaches a tongue. Then she kills Spaulding (Denis O’Hare) after he confesses it was Fiona all along. She takes a shower and has a three-way with two corpses.

Queenie decides to get her hair done by Madam Bad Weave Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett). She gets tempted by Marie’s assertions that the two witches are family. So she betrays her fried green tomato friend and gives her over to the voodoos. Are they not witches? It would be great if the writers took a second to distinguish the difference and explain why there’s beef.

Plotholes and Witch, Please! Moments

If there is a treaty between the voodoo priestesses and the witches how does everyone know where Stella lives?

If this is a school…who teaches classes? When do these girls actually learn magic?

How did Zoe go from a witch stumbling through the spell to resurrect Kyle to doing elaborate solo spells? She has raw power but how did she learn what to put where?

How did the Axeman, being corporeal for only a couple hours, manage to kill someone, take over their apartment, then go to a bar and meet Fiona? 

Why do all the African-American characters on the show have to be evil? Angela Bassett is holding a grudge for a few centuries. She has no redeeming characteristics. She awakens the dead to murder a bunch of children because Fiona insulted her? Queenie shows no loyalty to the people who want to be her friend? Even the slaves that we’ve seen murdered in flashbacks were engaged in adulterous relationships by choice. These are people with no rights but they want to get down with their captors?

Kyle has been resurrected for a few weeks and only after seeing flashcards he’s capable of talking?

Most importantly, Marie has been doing hair for what could be multiple lifetimes...why does she have such a dated hairstyle?

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