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‘AHS: Coven’ Recap: Fiona Goode & The Supremes

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Dec 05, 2013 | 2:00pm EST

American Horror Story CovenFX/Michele K. Short

Precious Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) does her best Buffy the Vampire Slayer impression by walking through the hood and slaying her attacker. The difference is she steals his heart for a potion for Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett). She has a brief confrontation with Zoe Benson (Taissa Farmiga) and Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) who conveniently know exactly where she is. This meeting comes out of nowhere. Magic doesn’t give writers a free pass to not explain things. How does everyone know where everyone else is? And yet, how are there still “secrets?”

Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange) is dying of advanced cancer and Supreme exhaustion. So she decides to have a nice long monologue about it. What’s the cure for what ails ya? More sex with a weird reanimated specter of a serial killer (Danny Huston). As great as the casting choice of Huston may be, his character is a gratuitous storyline that will doubtfully have the payoff we want. So you are a corporeal, jazz loving, witch hating, sex having ghost ... what’s next? Do you go to Disney World?

Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy) is back! Her skin is still a little extra crispy from getting burned at the stake. She awakens in just enough time to save Misty Day (Lily Rabe) from getting shot by witch hunters. Then, randomly, for the first time ever, Misty arrives at Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies That Don’t Need Adult Supervision, with Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson) actually alert and in attendance. Cordelia touches Misty and boom she knows everything and welcomes back Myrtle and everyone is one big happy, Fiona-hating family.

The witches decide to have a ritual called The Sacred Taking which involves wearing red capes and doing absolutely nothing. The ritual, when combined with the suicide or murder of The Supreme, brings about the ascendance of the next supreme. Doesn’t the death of The Supreme do that already? Hello gratuitous rituals! What follows is a trippy dream sequence with Myrtle and Madison capitalizing on the fact that Fiona doesn’t know they’re alive. Fiona tries to kill herself but is conveniently saved by Spaulding (Denis O’Hare) who is now a ghost. This is all just a little too convenient. Clearly, the writers have no intention of killing off the star of the show so why waste time entertaining the impossible.

Meanwhile, Nan (Jamie Brewer) is wondering why no one believes she could be the supreme. She’s still pining for her love interest Luke Ramsey (Alexander Dreymon) but he is busy getting an enema for Jesus. No lie! His controlling mother (Patti Lupone) wants to wash him from the inside. And yet, that isn’t the most inappropriate mother-son scene all season. Nan runs over to check on Luke and run away with him only to get both mother and son shot by witch hunters.

Then in a complete crack attack of bad storytelling, Fiona puts on a turban and is good as new. Apparently, the ipecac Spaulding gave her cured cancer because she’s suddenly in tiptop shape. She convinces Misty to revive Joan of Arc Ramsey (Lupone). Meanwhile, Cordelia’s power is apparently to reveal plot-holes. She finds a bullet and learns there are witch hunters.

On the island of Misguided Threeways, after playing with a learning game Zombie Kyle (Evan Peters) has learned enough diphthongs to tell Zoe “I love you” conveniently in earshot of Madison.

Then in a plot-point ripped from the pages of a successful movie script headlines, a box arrives on the doorstep of the Miss Robichaux's. "What's in the box?!" It's the head of everyone's favorite immortal, fast-food loving, racist Madam Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates).

Witches Be Trippin’ Moments

How can witches so readily find each other but not know other things? If the girls can find Queenie ... how is it Cordelia never found her husband at Marie Laveau’s?

Why the heck is Madam LaLaurie so tight with the witches? She was a racist torturer. Why does she get a free pass?

What is Marie Laveau’s beef with the witches? If she originally enlisted Hank Foxx (Josh Hamilton) to kill the witches that pre-dates Fiona freeing Delphine and insulting her in her shop. This means she always meant to kill them. But wasn’t she the one to originally create a treaty with the witches? Did this just never get explain or is it just easy to make Angela Basset the villain?

How is Nan clairvoyant but unable to see anything coming? 

Did they really steal the end of this episode from the popular movie Se7en

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