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'AHS: Coven' Recap: Things Come to a Head

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Dec 12, 2013 | 2:30pm EST

American Horror StoryFX

This episode focused a lot on periphery characters and, as usual, unnecessary plot twists. YAY! Hey, kids ... can you spell implausible plot development?

The episode begins with a little boy and his father in a picturesque forest. They’re having a bonding trip and you know that someone is going to shoot Bambi’s mother. However, instead of an innocent hunting trip, these two men are hunting a poor defenseless woman in the forest with bad teeth and an unfortunate wig. However, if you’re a witch in the forest, where are you going to get leave-in conditioner? It’s revealed to be Hank Foxx (Josh Hamilton).

Meanwhile, back at Ryan Murphy’s version of Beauty Shop, Angela Bassett (Marie Laveau) is slumming it acting wise playing a racial stereotype. An immortal necromancer with untold magical powers, yet she can’t update her salon’s '70s décor. Shut your mouth, because she got the shaft, character-wise. Meanwhile, Precious Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) gives up the lap of luxury with her own, slightly racist, maid to run phones at a beauty shop? How is that in any way believable?

Meanwhile, back in the plot, Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange) arrives at the salon to return the head of Madam Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) that was so rudely left on her doorstep. She proposes the two leaders combine forces to defeat the witch hunters. To which Marie replies with a stereotypical epitaph like “Nah, Girl!” or “Oh, no you didn’t!” She has Queenie take Delphine’s head to burn it. Instead, Queenie decides to force a reanimated talking head to watch Roots, The Color Purple, and old news footage from the segregation era.

Back at Douche, Inc., Hank shows up to report on his progress with the New Orleans witches. Apparently, his father is head witch hunter, has passed Hank over for second-in-command, and is running a company that is a smokescreen for a secret line of witch hunters. Also, he has no name. It’s  revealed that the person who blinded Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson) was her own father-in-law, Random Unnamed Witch hunter aka Hank’s Dad.

Cordelia does her best attempt to set blind people back 50 years. She shows you that blind people can’t do anything without dropping things. Call me crazy, but wouldn’t she have some training or a nurse before she is set to try and make eggs on her own? Also, as the daughter of the Supreme, is there no way to give her some sort of superhuman compensation for sight besides unhelpful premonitions? Even Daredevil could smell and see things via sonar.

Frizzy Day Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy) decides to make an elaborate meal for her old Witch Council pals, The French Teacher from that Richard Grieco movie (Robin Bartlett) and that little guy from Will & Grace (Leslie Jordan). She takes their eyes out with a melon-baller and has some sort of dance party while cutting up their remains. Myrtle and Fiona have a little tête-à-tête when Fiona learns about Cordelia’s new eyes. Then, Cordelia and Misty Day (Lily Rabe) have a little playtime with magic and make an elaborate potion to resurrect a plant. Isn’t that Misty’s pre-existing power?

In the worst use of a Tony winner storyline, Joan Ramsey (Patti LuPone) is resurrected while her son, Luke Ramsey (Alexander Dreymon), is in a coma. Why would Fiona have her resurrected? It makes no sense at all. Am I right? Zoe Benson (Taissa Farmiga) and Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) come to retrieve Nan (Jamie Brewer). However, she has not been able to see Luke. So they re-enact Ghost with Nan recounting secrets about Luke’s childhood. Suddenly, Joan changes her tune, literally, until Luke starts sharing secrets from beyond the grave ... like how Joan murdered his father. And yet, to review, who cares? LuPone is an amazing actress and singer but who cares if the witches’ neighbor has drama, too? These are periphery characters and there isn’t enough plot development in the stories that matter like back at the beauty shop.

After being threatened by his father and the Voodoo Queen, losing his wife, and having a verbal lashing by Fiona, Hank decides to kill all the witches ... in Marie’s beauty shop. He brings blessed silver bullets and takes them all down. He shoots Marie in the arm but before he can kill her, a wounded Queenie uses her voodoo doll powers to shoot him in the head. Marie shows up at the school ready to combine forces. 

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