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'RHOA' Recap: Oh Shap! We're On TV?

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Jan 06, 2014 | 2:30pm EST

This week the ladies of Atlanta prove that Self Respect is just a river in Egypt ... or however the saying goes, right, Porsha Stewart? Do these women (and men) not realize that they’re on television? It seems like everyone on the series has lost all self-respect and forgotten that their choices will live on forever in YouTube clips.

Kenya Moore begins the episode by showing up to lunch with her friend Lawrence Washington in a pair of high heels with graduation tassels. Then she proceeds to say with no sense of irony, “I’d like something light,” then orders a po’ boy. What comes next is the saddest of revelations. She gives the recap of the last episode ... like some sad extra. She's this season's Least Valuable Player. She can’t rely on an impromptu divorce to save her either. If Fashion Queens  didn’t directly proceed the show Kenya might not have appeared at all. Keep Lawrence close, Kenya ... real close.

Speaking of brand synergy, fellow fashion queen Derek J is doing Momma Joyce’s hair. Kandi Burruss shows up and they discuss her misguided musical idea and ignore the fact her mother has wigtastic bangs. Joyce brings up their fight yet again ... then honestly, the rest is a blur because it's so boring you just fall asleep.

Chuck Smith invites NeNe Leakes and Phaedra Parks to lunch. They start to reminisce about high school in Athens, Georgia. You’re expecting Chuck to go off on Phaedra about the revelation that Chuck dated Phaedra and Kandi multiple times. However, he politely asks them both to speak at the Boys and Girls Club. Then NeNe makes a huge revelation: she was in 4H club. She knows how to milk a cow, y’all. They have a fun road trip.  The ladies share their early jobs. NeNe worked at Sizzler and, like now, Phaedra had 15 jobs. The group arrives at the club and has a wonderful afternoon. NeNe twerks and plays foosball with children. Phaedra channels Animal from The Muppets and bangs on the drums. Plus, both Phaedra and NeNe score baskets on the court. If this whole reality TV  thing doesn’t work, they have a future with the WNBA.

Chuck introduces the ladies and does not mind exaggerating. He introduces Phaedra as one of the “top lawyers in America.” Isn’t she the woman who accepted a cash payment for getting a ticket for tinted windows dismissed? Did she not allow said client to drive out of the parking lot with said tinted windows? However, Phaedra did have a very sweet and inspirational message to the give to the children. Chuck continued exaggerating by introducing NeNe as “one of the top actresses in America” ignoring the entire A and B-list. Nene did not deliver an inspirational message. Instead, she gave what sounded like an infomercial for dreams.

 Cynthia Bailey takes her sister Malorie Bailey-Massie to a bead store as revenge for Mal almost ruining her wedding and starting a fight at her anniversary party. Mal reveals that she’s staying with Cynthia and Peter Thomas for two months. Despite rudely inviting herself over, Mal seems to be on her best behavior. Cynthia confesses things are tense and she and Peter are having carnal issues (that means sexy time problems). Mal recommends that Cynthia deal with her emotional issues with Peter first.

Porsha Stewart is living in a fool’s paradise. For those of you wondering, Fool’s Paradise is 10 miles away from Gangsta’s Paradise and down the road from Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. She is living with her mother and lets her mother buy her overpriced and superfluous dog clothes. Meanwhile, she has just moved into a huge house she can't afford! Her divorce settlement is still in discussion, her income is questionable, and her judgment is impaired. Rather than based in logic, her choice is based in her believing in herself. She doesn’t want a man to control her. If she’s going to get thrown out on her ass she wants it to be by a creditor.

After a great afternoon together, Chuck brings up Phaedra's discussion with Mynique. He alleges (that’s legal talk) that the he and Phaedra never dated that instead they were friends with benefits. When Phaedra argues she wasn't a hoochie-mama, Chuck tells her she was “part of the team.” He tells Phaedra, NeNe, and all of America that he’s a douche and is full of himself. He confesses to lying to Kandi about their relationship and “taking advantage of a young girl.” She was also part of this "team." He declares himself the “big homie.” If memory serves, is “homie” Hopi Indian for rectum?

 Back in the Lifetime movie of the week, Mal and Cynthia check out the ratchet new Bailey modeling agency. Cynthia shows Mal Peter’s new car. Mal throws shade compliments the car and confesses she's staying over.  Peter gets into a huff and storms out. Back at home, Cynthia approaches Peter to discuss their recent fighting. He voices his dissatisfaction with their lack of lovemaking and her sister staying over. He doesn’t like houseguests because if they have an argument it can't be a “full on blow out.” That sounds violent! Cynthia makes a valid point if she didn’t have to work to support the family and if Peter didn’t spend money without asking she’s be in a more lovey dovey place. He counters that he’d like to have a mancave and then proceeds to get precariously close to physically abusive without ever crossing the line. Looks like Divorcewatch has officially begun. Meanwhile, Cynthia may we recommend Sleeping with the Enemy, Enough, and What's Love Got To Do With It. 

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