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'The Bachelor' Recap: A Field Guide to Single Women

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Jan 07, 2014 | 5:00pm EST

Juan Pablo, The BachelorABC

As our Latino Prince gears up to meet his future amor, he puts in some bro time with last season’s “Batch-oh-lure” (as Juan Pablo says it), Sean Lowe. “Who else I was gonna call?” He’s da guy” JP reminds us. Lowe’s sage advice? Kiss as many gals as you like, but make sure the other women don’t see you and stay open minded. Well it worked for Sean and his fiancé Catherine. With that it’s time for our boy to embark on his “aventura.” That’s Juan Pablo for “journey.”

98 minutes of pre-cap and re-cap in, bring on the women! All 27 of them. There’s typically only 25 but Juan Pablo has been so popular that he gets an extra two to reject. He starts to sweat as the first limo pulls up. "How am I going to send anyone hooooome?" An exhaustive list of the courtesans is below, but if you don’t like getting prematurely attached, here’s what we can learn about Juan Pablo (and men in general) from this episode.

- Guys don’t like hair color that doesn’t exist in nature (Kylie)
- Never cry on a first date. Insecurity is not cute (Lauren)
- Dress elegantly and compose yourself as a lady. Save the freaky stuff for the fantasy suites. Juan Pablo is looking for a role model for Cameeeela after all (well played, Sharleen aka Miss “first impression” rose)
- Seem uninterested. Make them do the begging (you win again, Sharleen ... except you’re not really playing, you’re just really not that into him. Get it together, girl!)
- He looks better in clothes. Did I just commit "Bachelor" blasphemy?
- JP takes great comfort in talking to the cameramen

The list of contenders follows. I’d skip to the highlight reel if I were you, or just watch the episode. It’ll be quicker. But if you’re bored at work, carry on "Bachelor" Nation:

Amy L, 27, Orlando - The local news reporter is first out of the limo. She offers up a wholesome hug and an otherwise dull introduction. Step it up, sister.

Cassandra, 21, MI - 
She’s a retired NBA cheerleader turned makeup artist. Deep! There’s a horribly uncomfortable pause after they hug which she makes worse by pointing out how awkward the moment is. “We’re good. We’re on the same page,” Juan Pablo assures her. And on to the next.

Christy, 24,
IL - Her white gown really brings out her spray tan and bleached hair but Juan Pablo seems smitten. She’s the first to illicit a “Wow, gorgeous!” from JP. Guess he’s into blondes.

Christine, 23
, Miami - The “Police Support Specialist” (secretary?) gets another “Oh my God” from JP. Point 2 for blondes! She offers him a name bracelet to give Camila. Nice touch, Christine. But it's not enough. 

Nikki, 26, Kansas City
 - Despite the weird back tattoo, I'd first impression rose the heck out of this one. She’s a baby nurse who brings a stethoscope so Juan Pablo can listen to her heart / graze her boobs a little bit. After her he exclaims “No more leeemos” to no one in particular. Seriously, Juan Pablo, who are you talking to?

Kat, 29, AZ
 - She breaks the touch barrier by requesting an impromptu salsa lesson. Juan Pablo is game. And I crack. This naysayer is officially Team Pablo.

Chantel, 27,
CA - She’s spilling out of her blue bandaid dress. Otherwise, we're sure she's a lovely girl.   

Victoria, 24, FL - 
The Brazilian exchanges a few Portugese words with Juan Pablo but she’s completely overshadowed by the next out the gate.

Lucy
, 24, CA – Her job description is “free spirit” (read: unemployed and trust-funded) so it’s not surprising when she flutters out in some wispy Urban Outfitters hippy dress and bare feet, badly in need of a pedicure. Juan Pablo seems to be charmed by her act. Maybe he doesn’t have a type after all.

Danielle, 25
, MO – She has curly hair. Curly haired girls historically don’t do well on the Bachelor.

Lauren S, 26, TX
– The music composer rolls in (literally) playing the piano. JP’s reaction is nothing short of adorable, even though she flubs a few of the last notes. He even musters a tear when she tells him that she composed the song for him because, duh, “Music is mi vida.” Our prediction: the other girls will eat this geek alive. Until then, play on sweet Lauren.

Chelsie, 24, Ohio
– She’s a “science educator” so it totally makes sense that she brings JP a little experiment accompanied by the not so sly “Instead of doing chemistry, why don’t we have chemistry?” (that's not a real sentence, teacher lady!) After she removes her safety goggles (wayfarers) manic laughter proceeds. In the pre-cap we see her recruiting a random Hispanic woman in the park to give her rudimentary Spanish lessons. Resourceful! He very obviously checks out her silver lame-covered booty as she walk away. Again with the blonde thing.

Valerie, 26 CA
, - Miss “I’m a pretty girl but I’m not afraid to scratch someone’s eyes out” is a personal trainer who rocks some cowgirl boots under her tacky dress, presumably to stomp on the other girls with? She doesn't get the chance. 

Elise, 27, “Forty Fort” PA
– Besides being dressed like a disco ball, there are no real disasters to report here.

Ashley, 25, Dallas
- She gives Juan Pablo a gold star sticker, like she does her first grade students which he promptly loses by the time the next girl comes out of the limo.

Clare, 32
, CA – Because nothing attracts a man more than carrying another guy’s baby, Clare straps on a big ol’ preggers belly and basically asks JP to put a kid in her. Chick’s crazy. But her father died of brain cancer so we’ll give her a pass. Plus, before he went, he made DVD for her to give to her future husband. The number one (15th?) rule of cinema is you don’t show a gun if you ain’t going to shoot it. I look forward to sobbing 6 episodes from now Juan Pablo watches this DVD and then sends her off alone in that black car to hell.

Alli, 26, Chicago
She comes out kicking around a soccer ball which Juan Pablo decides to keep. Greedy. 

Amy, 31, LA
Watching this massage therapist sensually knead some guy’s body while a distorted version of yoga was a lowlight for me.

Renne, 32, FL
, She’s a single mommy who likes to run half-naked on the beach so they have tons in common. She’ll stick around for awhile. As she sashays away Juan Pablo calls out “Bye Mama!” as the JP swoon factor swells to an all time high.

Lauren, 25, OK
She’s a “mineral coordinator” - which we can only assume means that she works in the salt section of the local grocery store – who was recently dumped by her fiancé. She’s a wounded bird who’s interests include pondering life lakeside and watching other people get married across said lake like a creepy, sad, voyeur.

Maggie, 24, SC
The “personal banker” (has a checking account?) gives Juan Pablo the gift of a fishing hook (which is not a gift) in hopes that he’ll be a good catch. He sends her back.

Kelly, 27 & Molly the dog –
She’s a “dog lover” by trade so naturally she brought her pup to do the charming on her behalf.

Lacy, 25, CA
When she’s not caring for old people in the nursing home she owns, she’s looking after her 9 special needs family members. Heart of gold much? As if she couldn’t be any kinder, she gives Juan Pablo a prescription from “Cupid’s Pharmacy” to cure his headache. Sadly they’re just red hots. He politely chokes one down.

Alexis, 24, FL
She makes a feeble attempt to speak Spanish, because that hasn’t been thought of before.

Kylie, 23
, IL Her orange hair and pretty, pretty princess dress makes her oh so Tinkerbell-chic. Not a good look as she walks away mid conversation.

Sharleen, 29
, Germany, Lots of side boob happening for this frigid opera singer in her otherwise concealing drapey chiffon dress which Juan Pablo is all about. His compliment does nothing to lighten her up. “I can’t wait to hear you sing.” (eyeroll) “I’ll hear you, I promise” (foreboding). She walks away, head held high, leaving a cool breeze in her wake. “Singers, I like singers…” he says to no one.

Andi 26, Georgia
The producers saved (one of) the bests for last. Juan Pablo is clearly smitten this assistant DA (frankly, we’re intimidated). She’s hot and she prosecutes gangs.

And now, let the accelerated champagne drinking commence! Juan Pablo, who’d henceforth like to be referred to as the “dancing Bachelor” kicks off the party by breaking it down with the ladies. Between the music and the photo booth this Sweet 16 is off to a fantastic start as he puts most of holiday Barbies at ease. We gotta say, Juan Pablo is really owning it.

The party highlights:

Most awkward moment: Amy massages Juan Pablo over his suit. She groans. He spends the rest of the party covered in essential oil.

Worst way to stand out: Tear-stained Lauren kicks off her conversation with Juan Pablo with “I don’t want to lead with this, but I just broke off an engagement a month ago.” It was nice knowing you.

Best cover for not knowing someone’s name: Juan Pablo says to Renee “how are you mom?” before opening up about his ex and tells her that Camila was the best goal of his life (is that a gross sperm reference?) He does manage to remember Renee’s kid’s name. A sign that she’ll go strong for many episodes until she offs herself because she misses her son (aka, fears humiliation of rose ceremony send-off)

Most ESL moment: While “free spirit” Lucy splays her dirty feet atop Juan Pablo he remarks that she seems like a “happy camper” yet he miraculously keeps her around. How does that make you feel, other rejects?

Most Oblivious Moment: Juan Pablo just can’t get over how elegant opera singer Sharleen is. Clearly this is because she’s the only girl not showing cleavage. Juan Pablo’s takeaway from her diatribe about her quest to find a vegetarian pea soup in Germany is that she’s “cultured” and therefore will be a good mate and so while she sits uncomfortably draped in his jacket, telling the cameras how disappointed she was that she felt no connection with Juan Pablo, he goes off to fetch her the first impression rose. She coldly responds “Thank you, sir.” Sir? Seriously? Clueless Juan Pablo confides “I know she’ll sleep well tonight because I gave her a rose.” We think you’re cute.

Cringiest Moment (spoiler alert): When Juan Pablo calls Kat’s name in the rose ceremony and Kylie steps forward. Shudders.

And the survivors are…
Clare, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelli (& Molly), Cassandra, Danielle Chelsea, Lucy, Victoria, Kirstie, Kat, Lucy, and a very smug Amy L

As a reward for making it through the longest night (and recap. sorry), we end by watching Juan Pablo teach Sean how to salsa dance. Simply adorable. Now let's find you a wife! 

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