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The Life Lessons Of 'True Blood'

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Aug 02, 2010 | 12:27pm EDT

Just because True Blood is shallow summer fun, that doesn't mean that it can't be educational. (We've already gained some new insight into Viking anatomy, if you catch my drift.). There's a lot to be learned from the inhabitants of Bon Temps, at the very least from their many, many, many mistakes. So if you're having a hard time justifying your favorite summer obsession, just refer to our list of valuable life lessons that we've gained from watching the True Blood crew. It turns out that all that time you thought you were just having sexy fun, you were actually growing as a person. And people say that TV is bad for you!

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1. Carry Around A Stain-Stick

Blood stains are unsightly and hard to remove, and, as anyone who has ever been near a vampire staking, messy. It’s hard to intimidate people into submission when you aren’t looking your best, and nothing undermines your authority as fast as a big stain on your clothes.

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2. Use Reliable Birth Control

It’s important to protect yourself, in all situations. You never know when you’ll have to go to a huge mystical orgy, or end up pregnant with a serial killer’s kid.

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3. Take Care Of Your Teeth

A smile can say a lot about a person. So if you want yours to say, “pay attention, or I’ll rip out your throat”, good dental care is a must.

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4. Dress Appropriately For The Occasion

You don’t show up at Lou Pine’s dressed like lunch, and don’t infiltrate the Fellowship Of The Sun in black leather. And remember, shirtlessness is always in style.

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5. Avoid Family Reunions

Odds are, your family is crazy. Maybe not as crazy as Tara’s alcoholic bible-thumping mom, or Sam’s abusive hick parents, or Sam’s other abusive, slightly less-hick parents, but there’s something to be said for being an orphan.

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6. Don’t Have One-Night Stands

A night out can be a lot of fun, but keep in mind that the nice guy you take home might end up being a murderous psychopath. Or Jason Stackhouse.

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7. Buy Cheap Carpets

A good rug may be able to tie the room together, but it costs a lot of money to keep it clean. It’s a lot easier to get blood out of linoleum.

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8. Use Judgement When Adopting Pets

Adding an animal to the family is a big commitment, and it’s important to make the right choice. Baby armadillos, fine. The Mickenses, not so much.

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9. Keep A Chainsaw Around The House

Chainsaws can be used as a practical solution for dozens of everyday chores, from disposing of dead truckers to fighting brainwashed sex mobs. Available for purchase or rental, no questions asked, at a sketchy hardware store near you.

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10. Invest Wisely

You’ve got to provide for your future, because you never know how long you’re going to live. It could be centuries! And remember, lottery tickets aren’t a viable financial plan.

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11. Do Not Date Sookie Stackhouse

We don’t care how good her blood tastes, that girl is a supernatural drama magnet. It's not worth it.

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