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Conan's First Guest Probably Isn't Jack Nicholson

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Nov 08, 2010 | 12:21pm EST

Conan O'BrienTonight’s the night. All those who are cuckoo for Coco will finally get their way when Conan O’Brien returns to television after months of anticipation (and a huge ad campaign that seemed like just an excuse to show off his big, orange blimp – and not that’s not a euphemism). Since we all know that Jay Leno isn’t so welcome on Conan’s set, the big question is who will be the gangly redhead’s first guest?

Conan started a voting (more accurately “guessing”) poll to see who his first guest would be, but he’s “cut the dead weight” including Tom from MySpace, the Pope, Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, Vladimir Putin, and REO Speedwagon. This leaves only three contenders for the title. According to Conan, it’s going to be Jack Nicholson, the Sultan of Brunei, or Arlene Wagner, the curator of a Nutcracker museum. If we were going to make bets, I’d say that the sultan is right out. Then there’s Nicholson; while I think he’d probably get a kick out of sticking it to Jay Leno (because, I mean, who wouldn’t?) it seems pretty unlikely that he’d be willing to just show up on Conan’s new basic cable show. That leaves only Arlene Wagner, the nutcracker enthusiast. If you ask me, none of these people seem like a plausible choice, except that Wagner’s the odd man out – she’s actually gettable.

Then there’s the element of Conan’s style of humor; it’s absurd, ridiculous, and zany. I wouldn’t put it past him to bring on a woman who spends her life finding new ways to crack nuts. Come on, that’s a comedy gold mine, an endless source of nut-busting jokes.

Of course there’s always the theory I’ve had the whole time, which is that maybe none of these people will be his first guests. Perhaps Conan’s just pulling our legs altogether and his first guest will be someone completely different. I wouldn’t put it past him. Despite my little theory, most people are looking at Ms. Wagner as the most probable first guest, and that got me thinking; maybe Conan will set a precedent with the nutcracker lady. Maybe he’ll continue to bring on stranger and stranger guests, and with that delicious thought, a list of strange people I’d like to see Conan interview popped into my head. If they’re really going to have fun this season, maybe they should look to people like this to add to the lineup:

1. Artist Jessica Harrison: She created the creepiest line of porcelain dolls I’ve ever seen. Check them out and see what I mean – they’re missing heads, holding their own entrails, and pulling out their own eyeballs all in delicate poses and Victorian dresses. I’m pretty sure a show and tell with this crazy lady would be hilarious. Yes, please explain your inspiration for “Lady in Waiting with Melted Face and Dripping Eyeballs.” Oh sure, no problem.

2. Tommy Wiseau: The writer, director, and star of the cult classic and “the Citizen Kane of bad movies” The Room. Wiseau hasn’t done much else, but he’s got the strangest cadence and deliver I’ve ever heard. He also recently directed and starred in a short film called The House That Drips on Alex. Take a look at this clip and tell me you don’t want to see Conan teach him the string dance.

3. Uncle Nino from The Jersey Shore: He was probably the only interesting person all season on the trashy reality show and he’s become a bit of a Twitter star, garnering over 14,000 followers for his short stint on the reality show. (He starts half of his tweets with “Ayyy yo,” referred to the The Situation as “Mike Sanitation,” and then there’s the obvious: don’t you want to see the dorkiest redhead try to field comment from a true O.G. (Orignal Guido)?

Source: Entertainment Weekly

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