Oscar Parties 2013: What (We Wish) Our Favorite Celebs Were Really Saying

“This is way better than the Emmys! Nobody knows how drunk we are!” - Rashida

“Really? I wouldn't be so sure about that.” -Seth

[Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/WireImage]

"I am never wearing Louboutins again." -Jim

[Photo Credit: Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard]

"Trust me, darling. This worked wonders that time Madonna kissed Britney!" -Heidi

[Photo Credit: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for EJAF]

“Like, Ohmigod. I’m like at an Oscar party, and I’m like kissing Elton John on the cheek and stuff like that. And he’s like super famous, and like ‘Crocodile Rock’ is my favorite song, and like, Kelly and I are angels ...” -Miley’s never-ending inner monologue

[Photo Credit: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for EJAF]

“This is the last time I let Kim convince me that 'less is more.’” -Kourtney

[Photo Credit: Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard]

“You’re STILL on Glee? You poor thing! What dirt does Ryan Murphy have on you?” -Nicki

[Photo Credit: Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard]

“Keep smiling, Elton. Just keep smiling. But later tonight, I’m going to kill whoever let this buffoon into my party.” -Elton's inner monologue

[Photo Credit: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for EJAF]

“Oh God, honey. He’s behind us, isn’t he?!” -Miranda

[Photo Credit: Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic]

“Where are Channing and Charlize? We’ll show them who the real dancers are.” -Natalie

[Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair]

“OMG, I'M MEETING BONO. This is going to be some great material for my next three-hour rom-com, This is 50.” -Judd

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“Please don’t tell Sally Field I copied her dress! I just like her, I really like her!”

[Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage]

“Richard, as soon as this camera is gone, you better move that hand or I will rip it off.” -Halle

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, Argo was good, but did you even SEE Beasts of the Southern Wild?" -Salma

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“Yes, darling. Smile big because this may be the last time you’re relevant enough to come to an Oscars bash.” -Elton's inner monologue

[Photo Credit: Michael Kovac/Getty Images for EJAF]

“I know, ladies. I can’t believe it’s me either.” -Babs

[Photo Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images]

“Wait, wait. Let me do my Borat impression for you...” -Reese

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“Justin, if you touch my stomach one more time, I will clock you. I really don’t have the patience for any pregnancy rumors tomorrow.” - Jen

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“But really, was it awesome to make out with President Lincoln?” -Amy

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“Oh, Sweetie. I haven’t had nearly enough champagne for that.” -Jesse

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“Laugh it up, guys. I fell once, but who’s the 22-year-old holding an Oscar?” -Jennifer

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“This is what I think of Emmanuelle Riva’s snub.” - Dave

[Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage]

“Two words: Spank. Bank.” -Gerard's inner monologue

[Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair]

“Yes, darling, of course you’re a better singer than Anne Hathaway.” -Michael

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“I get it. You think my husband’s adorable. I’m just going to remind you about the two lovely daughters we have together one last time.” -Jennifer

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“Watch this, dude. If we open our eyes REALLY wide, no one will be able to tell how drunk we are.” -Seth

[Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage]

“No, seriously. Who is this Catholic schoolgirl who keeps touching me?” -Christoph

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“Oh God. Do you think they already turned me into a GIF?!” -Sandra

[Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage]

“See? I’m fun! Guys? Guys? LOVE ME!” -Anne

[Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair]

“God damnit. Now there’s photo evidence of me crashing and burning with Samantha Barks.” -Daniel

[Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage]