S5E3: Either I’ve accepted that though Californication should have called it quits at the end of its fourth season, it’s still trucking, or these episodes are getting a little better. I’m going to play it safe and call it a bit of both. I basically don’t hate it as much as I have been. It helps that by the end of the episode, even Hank starts to realize how ridiculous his “true dats” and “mos defs” sound. It also helps that it was fun seeing Hank stick it to that little philanderer Becca’s dating and that he Becca still have a core relationship that I can’t help appreciate.
“I came, I saw, I turned some words into cash.” –Hank
Hank finishes his script for Santa Monica Cop in record time, and prints it without even using spell check. He’s prepared to deliver the steaming pile, say goodbye to Becca and fly back to New York. Of course it won’t be that easy. As he’s trying to leave, Charlie confesses that he’s lonely and that (imagine this) all the sexual promiscuity and internet porn isn’t cutting it, so we can tell this is going to be a messed up episode.
“Knowing that you were in great pain did make me smile.” –Hank
Even while he’s laid up, Tyler is being a little brat. He got into Richard’s 40 year-old bottle of Chivas – a standing symbol of his sobriety. Plus, he’s taken up residence in Karen’s house and is yelling at her to make him lunch. Hank has a little heart-to-heart with the idiot, telling him not to hurt his daughter and to come clean about his cheating ways. I honestly didn’t think it would be as effective as it was, but I did get a little kick out seeing Hank grab the little jerk’s broken middle finger when he had the audacity to flip him off.
“Not too much boob tube okay?” –Marcy
Charlie is just sitting down to take care of himself with some 70s porn when Marcy and Stu come by with baby Stuart. The kid immediately turns the television on to see the porn, causing his mother to flip a gasket (oh, but that moment in the first episode of Season 5 when Stuart walked into the bedroom is no big deal). After Marcy lectures Charlie, Stuart starts crying because Stu and Marcy forgot the kid’s baby blankie. They ditch Charlie to deal with the temper tantrums on his own.
The British nanny, Lizzie, stops by Charlie’s house with the baby blanket and finds him crying like, well, a baby. He hugs her and takes the baby blanket to Stuart before begging her to stick around. Charlie and Lizzie share a drink and he tells her what a failure he is – and of course adds in how unlucky he is in love. Somehow, this is common ground for the two of them because Lizzie says she’s only approached by creeps and she can’t figure out her direction in life. They start kissing and he just immediately goes for sex. Rather than freaking out, Lizzie seems to understand why he’s doing this and she tells him real girls aren’t like the ones in the porn he’s been watching. While most girls would have fled, it’s like she feels sorry for the poor, lost schmuck. I don’t understand what he did to get this lucky – especially after the soiled napkin he accidentally handed her.
“He almost chopped off one his body guard’s fingers for looking at me in an impure manner.” –Kali
“Like there’s any other way to look at you.” –Hank
Samurai offers for Hank to call him Calvin, says he’s going read the script that day and that he takes this very seriously. There’s going to be hell to pay when he finishes the script and sees how careless Hank was. Hank tries to peace, but Kali walks in disappointed that Calvin is ditching her to read a script. Calvin tells Hank to take her out citing that he “took care” of Tyler for Hank, but when Hank agrees Calvin threatens him with a Samurai sword and makes him promise he won’t sleep with Kali. Because she’s evil, Kali takes Hank to a lesbian club with burlesque dancers and she starts teasing him, but he resists saying Calvin threatened him. Kali says she wants him to put his hands on her and that Calvin doesn’t own her. She’s with him because he’s making her career possible and she says they’re not exclusive.