'Survivor' Recap: Queens of the Jungle

Apr 26, 2012 | 7:26am EDT

SurvivorThis season will go down as the season of the dumbest Survivor contestants of all time. Yes, let's just call this Stupid Survivor, because, for otherwise intelligent people, the remaining contestants just keep doing really, really stupid things. Troy even thinks they're stupid and calls them as such and Alycia even likens one of her fellow contestants, Christina, to one of her special ed students. And let's not even talk about Kat, who isn't so much a person but the sound an EKG makes when the brainwaves go completely blank.

They are all so stupid, except for Troy and Candice Bergen (who, in today's matinee, will be played by Kim) who are the only two who seem to have this game and the strategy figured out. Troy knows that he's a dead man walking and he needs to either win immunity or pull a rabbit out of some unpleasant orifice on his body. He tries really hard and actually made a few brilliant moves, but he also played it all wrong.

The producers were even helping Troy out, trotting out one of their favorite immunity challenges, where the survivors have to answer questions about their tribemates and try to guess what the majority said about them. If you get it right, you get to chop someone's effigy, and with three chops it ends up in the fire (which is also the story of how I got sent home early from sleep-away camp when I was 12, but I don't think you guys want to hear about that). What did we learn from the game? Everyone hates Christian and Troy and Tarzan and Kat and everyone loves Candice Bergen. I can see why. Have you ever seen The Last Picture Show? Candice Bergen wins and she chooses Alycia, who came in second in the challenge, and this blonde thing that Candice Bergen carries around like a fanny pack to go with her on a helicopter ride and pic-er-nic.

Back at camp, Kat is pissed because she wanted to go on a pic-er-nic and she was not pick-er-nicked. Whaa. What a sad lump of seaweed Kat is. Troy does what is almost the right thing and continues to point out that Candice Bergen is running the game and this is her final three. The problem is that the volume with Troy is always at like a 17. We need it down at like an eight or even the Spinal Tap standard 11. The 17 is just pissing people off because you're screaming at them and driving them too hard. Kat, a stuffed animal left out in the rain, gets all crying-y because she didn't get picked and now Troy is yelling at her and tell her she isn't in the final three, but she is. Sniff. She is. Troy is wrong. She is not a follower. She is a (sniff) strong player and (sniff) she really wanted a pic-er-nic. Boo f-ing hoo.

Candice Bergen knows that her picks were disastrous even as she was eating a whole baguette in one bite. She knows Kat is pissed and everyone is back at camp dissembling against her. I'm sorry, but if I ever won one of these immunity challenges, I would take two random as people along with me. Why did she bring her blond fanny pack with her? That's not going to help her in the game. I would have taken Tarzan and Christina the two people that you're worried about flipping. Make them feel important and loved and they're going to stay by your side. That just makes sense to me. Candice Bergen figured it out a little too late. "This is a disaster," she says, "pass me the mac 'n' cheese. I'm going to be so screwed when I get back to camp. And so full. Are those macaroons?"

Next: The super slip-and-slide challenge.

On to the immunity challenge, which was some sort of game based on a lube wrestling event that Jeff Probst hosted at Kansas City Pride (he's from Kansas, you know). They have to slide and catch a ring and then they must like the post at the end of the slip 'n' slide, because they shoulda putta ring on it. Troy loses his first round and this challenge is now devoid of any interest or tension. The only thing that made it exciting is over. Blah blah, sliding, blah, blah, ring toss, blah, blah, singing "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" on my couch, blah, blah Candice Bergen wins.

Now, everyone knows that Troy is going home. Duh. But he gives it the old college try (no one else knows what that means, because none of them have gone to college). The girls get together and decide that they're going to split the vote between Troy and Christina in case Troy has an idol and plays it then Christina goes home. Sabrina makes the brilliant decision to tell Christina that she is going to get two votes. "But don't worry," she says. "You're only going home if there's an idol." What is Christina's reaction. "Oh, okat. That's cool I guess." What? Oh hell no. If that was me I wouldn't have gone along with it. Tarzan did the same thing last week, where he didn't get mad when he was the girls backup plan. I mean, seriously guys, Candice Bergen, her blond purse, and the rest of her clique are telling you all where you stand and you are either too dumb or too blind to notice. If I was Christina I would have gone to Troy and been like, "Okay, these bitches are on my last nerve. How do we vote them out? How do we get the numbers?"

But no, she goes and sits in the water like she's taking a dump in her swimsuit and tells Troy, "Yeah, some people are going to put down my name, and that's cool. But maybe I should try something? I guess? Well, I guess I'll vote for that blond thing that is friends with Candice Bergen." Troy is at least smart enough to figure out that he can't get enough votes to kick someone out with just Christina. He also knows that Kat is still running around saying, "I want people to think I'm strong. Look at this muscle. Come on. Touch it. On my next birthday, I'll be this many." He comes up with an alternate plan, one of pure genius. He got Christina not to vote for him, and he knows two other people are voting for Christina. Now all he needs to do is pile on with the Christina votes. If he can turn one person, he will have enough to kick her out and stay in the game. Brilliant. Genius. You watch Survivor for so many seasons and no one really has a new, smart strategy, but finally Troy did. And it's so smart because turning one person is so much easier than turning three or four. If only Kat were smart enough to take the bait. She says, "I don't want people to think I'm doing whatever Candice Bergen tells me" but, like so many other people this season, if you don't want it, you need to make it happen. Do something that Candice didn't tell you to do. Make a decision. Strike out on your own! No one is doing anything and they're letting Candice walk away with a million macaroons.

Sadly, Troy doesn't turn anyone and his plan fails. He goes home, as we knew he would as soon as he lost the challenge. Now we're sad. Christina is going home next week for deciding to vote for Candice Bergen's little blond friend and it's all going to be so predictable. Welcome to the season of idiots. It's just going to get stupider from here on out.

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan


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