Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnnnn! Oh, hi guys. Sorry, just stretching here. I totally passed out because I was rendered unconscious from last night's episode of Survivor which has now entered that stage of boring predictability that all lackluster seasons fall into. There will be no shakeups, no intrigue, no last minute reprieves and black stabbing tomfoolery. No, there will only be Candice Bergen (TV's Murphy Brown, a young woman named Kim) trotting her way toward a million dollar prize. We don't know who she'll take to the finals or just in what order everyone will get voted out, but she has effectively clinched the whole proceedings. There is no way she could not win. Well, I guess there is the vague possibility, but considering she's sweeping the immunity challenges and still has a hidden immunity idol, she's guaranteed to make it to the end.
Even crazier is that no one is challenging her. At the outset of the episode, Alycia and Kat think that they are in charge. Oh please. Alycia is just deluded and Kat is just stupid. Together they could be a lady rap group Stoopit & D-Luded. Candice Bergen is clearly in charge and that everyone is fighting about whether to send Kat or Sabrina home means that she is so firmly in charge that no one is thinking far enough ahead to say, "Hey, Candice Bergen is running away with this whole thing." That's the thing about our Candice Bergen. She's an adaptable leader who sees when she needs to keep her people happy and when to assert her will. She is leading without looking like she's leading, which might be difficult come final tribal council time, but who else are they going to give it to? Christina? Tarzan? Miss Congeniality Alycia? No way.
Anyway, the whole episode started to unravel when there was a Sprint phone in their Mailboxes Etc treemail box which is resting on Scott grass seed grass. The phone, of course, had messages from the remaining Survivors' loved ones. This is usually my least favorite episode because it always makes me cry. I am not a movie or television crier. I stayed dry-eyed at The Notebook, at Old Yeller, at The Adventures of Pluto Nash. But still the thought of these people going without seeing someone they care about for so long and then getting them to boost their spirits just makes the tears well up in my eyes like I just was told I have to watch an Eddie Murphy family movie double feature (yes, A Thousand Words would probably make me weep). For that reason, I hate it. But, I also hate the idiots playing this season, so I didn't really get too verklempt. I did have a little twinge when Christina's father was there after his kidney transplant and only has five years to live, because I am a human with emotions and a father and I can only imagine how rough it would be if that happened to my dad. I also reached for a Kleenex brand facial tissue (now even I'm product placing!) when Tarzan's wife came out because they've been together for so long, but then he got down on one knee like he was going to propose and they were wallowing around in the dust like two tumbleweeds blowing off into the western sunset and it was stupid.
Then, of course Kat's "cousin" Robbie came out and she started flipping out. "Bleep blorp beeeeeeeeeppppppppppp!!!!" she screamed. "Eeeeppp doooppppp Rooooooooppppppp," he replied. They butted their chests and flailed their arms, joining their appendages in crazy formation while stamping their feet in rhythm. They looked like those crazy aliens from Sesame Street.
They all go to the immunity challenge where, of course, the loved ones have to participate. It's like some rope maze that they have to wind their way through together. Candice Bergen comes really close to winning, but Kat and her cousin Robbie pull it out because they were using Martian telepathic communication techniques and none of the other castaways had a chance. "Eep Opp Ork Ah-Ah," they sang in celebration. And of course, because this couldn't be emotionally manipulative enough, Kat gets to pick two people to go on her reward with her and has to break up the other contestants from their loved ones. Without even thinking about it, she picks Candice Bergen and Miss Congeniality Alycia. Jeff asks her, "Why did you pick Candice Bergen when she didn't take you on a reward last week?" Kat responds, "I just want to hang with these two girls and we are gonna get krunk! Holla! Maaaaarrrrrgggggaaaarrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiittttaaaaaaassssss," and she does this silly little dance that even Freshman at a sorority party would think is totally immature. And then all the real people with real emotional attachments to their loved ones have to say goodbye so that Kat can go play flip cup with her "homies." Awful.
The only interesting thing that happened on the reward is Candice Bergen told her sister Charlie Bergen (who is really a ventriloquist dummy) that she is going to take Kat and Miss Congeniality Alycia to the final two because everything thinks that Alycia is a See You Next Tuesday and because Kat is too freakin' stoopit to figure everything out. Candice Bergen even figured out that they think they're in charge and are "deluded" (that's Stoopit and D-Luded to you, Candice Bergen) and she's just going to ride that wave all the way to the finish.
They go back to camp and we're already seeing a Kat vs. Sabrina dynamic at play, because Candice Bergen and others are worried about Sabrina because she is smart and well-liked and can string together a few sentences. She is, really, the only threat left on the island.
Off at the immunity challenge and it is sponsored by Wilson Philips Greatest Hits: The Early Years and all the contests have to hold onto some rope thing as they are lowered closer and closer to the water. "Don't you know, things will change, things will go your way if you hooooooolllldddd on for one more day, things will go your way. Hold on for one more day." That is really Candice Bergen's theme song. She just holds on and waits for things to go her way. No one is going to turn around and say goodbye and hold her down and make her cry. No, that is not going to happen. She wins the immunity challenge. Kat, like a six-year-old with a skinned knee sits and sulks on the dock and won't even give Kim a high five.
OK, this is a bit of a blunder for Candice Bergen. If she really wanted Kat to go with her to the final three, she should have let Kat win, looked like a hero to Kat, and ensured her safety while making her even more faithful than ever. She went for the gusto though and took immunity. It worked against Kat, who stayed there for so long, her belly ring glinting in the South Pacific sunshine, that Alycia now wants her out of the game. She thinks she can beat Sabrina, but she's worried about Kat. Um, aren't you worried about Candice Bergen who has won the last two challenges? The tide is turning against Kat, who Sabrina wants to send home because she's annoying, who Alycia wants to send home cause she's a bitch, and who some blond ghost thing keeps whispering "Kaaaaattttt.....Kaattttttt" like a howl on the wind.
We go into tribal council knowing that it's going to be Kat, because Candice Bergen has this thing too wrapped up to go against everyone. Her shot to keep Kat was at the immunity challenge and she didn't take it. The only person who doesn't know it's Kat is Kat, who is all cocky at tribal. She says she hopes there is a blind side because they are always "exciting" and "amazing" and if it happens to someone else "cool beans" and if it happens to her "touche." Yes, that is Kat, in a nutshell. A human person in the year 2012 who still says "cool beans" and "touche."
Of course the blindside is against Kat and she gets this face that is a cross between getting hit in the gut and trying to read the lit up red sign above a door and figure it out: "Eggggggsssssss it. Eggs it. Exit! Oh, OK." That's what Kat looks like. And then Jeff extinguishes her torch and she cries. She sobs her way off across the bridge of no return. What happened to exciting and amazing, Kat? Ha!
Then I watched the bit at the end when the voted off Survivor gives her message because, well, I'm a sadistic jerk and I take perverse joy in watching Kat's face fill up with snot. Kat says, "I'm so embarrassed that I got kicked out of the game before Tarzan and Christina." That's the problem with this season altogether. Too many people are just coasting along and trying to see what happens, like so many turds waiting for a flush. They're leaving themselves up to fate and trusting people to do the dirty work and get them to the end. Candice Bergen is the only one working. If Kat wasn't so stupid and confident and figured out how everyone was voting before tribal, she might still be snotting up all over the proceedings instead of whining on the jury. Oh, god, just give the money to Candice Bergen and lets all go back to our naps, shall we?
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan