For a series slated for another season of confusing plots that will allow all of the New Directions’ graduates to arbitrarily pop back into our lives, Glee sure did make its third season finale feel like a series finale. It was practically a character solution sandwich made with sweet slices of Season 1 bread.
We open with Will walking into the choir room where the original New Directions members (Rachel, Kurt, Merdedes, Tina, and Artie) are resurrecting their first ever “ghetto” performance: “Sit Down, You’re Rocking The Boat.” And while this recapper resisted the urge to shout “Sit down, you’re freaking out, Will Schuester” all of the Schue’s Season 3 sadness finally made a little more sense. These graduating seniors were the kids who resurrected the show choir, and that’s why they mean so much to him. Okay, I get it. I’ll stop going on infantile-themed tirades. However, I will hang on to the notion that moving your wedding to better fit the glee club’s schedule instead of your future wife’s was a moment of temporary insanity. Schue seals up his goodbye for the season with a sappy song that seems to be making even his costars a little uncomfortable. Let’s hope departing seniors does not spell more heartfelt droopy solos from Will.
Kurt’s farewell comes courtesy of his two rocks, Blaine and Burt. Burt’s goodbye is significantly less moving than anything the character has done on three seasons of the series, but it still slightly worked because Mike O’Malley has magical properties that make him feel like he’s our television dad. After Burt bops around in a cutesy attempt at recreating the first time he caught Kurt dancing to “Single Ladies” with Tina and Brittany, Kurt has to make his peace with leaving Blaine behind because clearly, as soon as you graduate high school, the principal drags you out by your hair, kicks you in the keister and says, “Y’all don’t come back now, ya hear?” Is summer not a thing in Ohio? If so, please remind me to never move to the land of eternal fall and show choirs. Anyway, Blaine and Kurt decide they’ll figure it out and Kurt says something about becoming the couple from The Notebook, minus that pesky dementia problem. And again, I ask: Is this a season finale or a series finale? Why all the riding-off-into-the-sunset speeches?
Of course, the series also has to get the rest of the glee club’s fates out of the way and Santana is our guide, walking us through the hall of everyone's accomplishments: Mercedes is a back-up singer studying at a UCLA extension, Mike got a scholarship to a Chicago dance school, and Brittany is failing and she’s going to be a Super Senior. (Which is treated pretty mildly considering that the girl just flunked her senior year of high school. Hilarious.) Santana is disappointed that everyone is off to some big city while she’s headed to be a cheerleader in Kentucky. Her mom, the also magical Gloria Estefan is the fairy godmother counterpart to Santana’s homophobic grandmother. EsteMom says she always knew Santana was a lesbian and she eventually parlays that into her blessing for Santana to skip out on college and move to New York to seek fame. So, there’s one Season 4 connection down. It’s a good thing Santana and Rachel became friends so they can completely unravel that and fight with only each other and not the other millions of desperate wannabe actresses in New York next season.
Quinn sews up Puck’s story and makes us all a little confused about her own when she very clearly sits on Joe’s lap during a choir room performance and then winds up kissing Puck during a last minute study session for his make-up geography test. Joe is left staring into space in the choir room while Quinn’s magic kiss helps Puck pass his test and Rachel’s starry-eyed hormone-infused words (“You and Puck are meant to be”) resonate through Quinn’s pretty little head. Is this a cliffhanger? It doesn’t feel like one. It just seems like the final word on Quinn is that she still hasn’t learned how to stop kissing all of the boys.
Next: We play the "Who's Not a Graduating Senior?"game.And in a fairly succinct clever little motion, the seniors sing “You Get What You Give” and by process of “These people are standing and those people are sitting” we learn that Blaine, Sam, Joe, Tina, Artie, Brittany, Sugar, and Rory are sticking around for the rebuilding phase of the now first-place New Directions. No one seems to notice the elephant in the room: Sam clearly looks like some 21 Jump Street twentysomething who’s gone undercover at a high school. He’s a junior? Right.
But what about Finn? ...is the question that doesn’t seem to have as much weight as it should. In a brief cameo, James Lipton officiates Finn’s acting audition for the Actor’s Studio in New York and when we weren’t shown the precious footage of Finn royally botching Antony’s mutiny monologue from Julius Caesar, we knew he wasn’t getting in. His disjointed “solution time” continues when he asks Will to write “some son-I-never had or little-brother something” in his yearbook and instead, Will confesses that he planted pot on Finn in order to blackmail him into joining the glee club. And that’s when it becomes official: Finn is the human version of an elderly golden retriever. He’s just happy Schue is talking to him and they have a play fight because that’s what high school graduates do, of course. Like the perfect trusty pup, Finn leaves, telling Schue “You’re so much cooler than I ever thought.” Stockholm Syndrome says what?
After graduation and the disappointment of finding out that both Kurt and Finn were rejected and only Rachel got into NYADA, it’s time for this dreaded wedding. (The one we hoped would just disappear by graduation like a pesky pimple that totally ruined my grad party pictures.) Luckily, Finn kidnaps Rachel and takes her to the train station, where he promptly breaks up with her, says he’s joining the army and shoves her on a train to New York. Sure, he says something sweet about how she deserves to be a star and he loves her enough to let her go do that, but let’s be honest: This was a good old fashioned heist. And now, Rachel is on a train halfway to the Big Apple, see. The episode ends with the entire glee club and Wemma waving at the train as Rachel sing-cries all the way to New York, where she arrives, dressed like some Doris Day reincarnate as she roams the streets of the big city with no particular direction.
We get it. Three years of hard work have led little Rachel Berry to Broad-way (pronounced with the same affected accent as cam-er-ah), but did we have to jump back in time to 1962? Glee has spent so much time practically screaming at us “We’re modern, we are, we are!” that reverting back to this old-timey conclusion is cute and perhaps somewhat optimistic and glossy for a series finale, but totally out of sync with a series that promises to keep churning out seasons for the next couple of years.
The final scenes also present a perplexing promise for next year: Either Glee is acknowledging that the series is in fact The Rachel Berry Show and they may as well stop fighting it, or it’s the series’ sunset moment for Rachel and next year will focus more heavily on the remaining New Directions. All of the chatter coming from the actors and Ryan Murphy seems to indicate that Lea Michele and Chris Colfer’s star power shall not be wasted come Season 4, and if we’re being frank, the other glee club members never broke out like Santana and Brittany because they don’t have the star quality of their seniors. I had hoped the season finale would wipe the Glee slate clean so the series could start anew upon its return, and in a way, that’s true. But the cleaners simply came through with a dusty old broom and scattered the pieces of the series to the edges of the room and under the rug. It’s still a bit of a mess. It’s almost impossible to fathom how the continued journey of the McKinley set will manage to squeeze its way into our television sets come fall. But no matter how it all shakes out, the show we’ve been watching for three years (however reluctantly post-Super-Bowl episode) is over. Say goodbye.
But as always, before we say goodbye, we’ve got to get out our wiggles in the form of questions and stray observations:
--Brittany refers to Joe as “she.”
--Schuester sings a sappy song and as much as I hate his rapping, I agree with Quinn’s quip: I really wish he was rapping instead too.
--Burt doesn't know who Elaine Stritch is. (She’s a Broadway legend, Papa Hummel.)
--Kurt and Blaine both sawThe Notebook, which means they can handle long distance relationships.
--Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days” is actually a terrible graduation song. It’s about people whose best days were in high school: “Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture/ A little of the glory of, well times slips away/ And leaves you with nothing, mister, but/ Boring stories of glory days.” What is it about Springsteen songs that seem to perplex people so?
--Rachel goes to New York dressed like a crackerjack flight attendant and no one is scrambling to capture it with their smartphone cameras.
--Nene Leakes wants to take down Figgins, for some unfounded reason, but no one really cares because we’re too busy trying to figure out how we got from minute one to the end of the episode.
--Graduation is a New Directions concert with some faceless losers in the background. When did they suddenly become the stars of the school? Nationals does not a cool kid make.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler.