Cheerio, Kara! As much as it is true that you were a human being who existed on Earth, Hugh Hefner and well-read virgins ‘round the planet said Boo-Berry after being forced to say goodbye to your oversized Grape Nuts during Thursday night’s first official live eviction. You might have been the Total package looks-wise during your brief stay in the Big Brother house, but your Honey Bunches of Oats were simply not enough to allow you to maintain a Life with a California Raisin like Ashley and others.
Because, unfortunately for the shy houseguest — shy, of course, unless you consult Google Images — week one’s Head of Household always gets his Fruit Loops. But, really, the folks who have truly come out on top following the first live eviction are Big Brother’s fans. Not only because the house evicted the human equivalent of a manila envelope with breasts, but because week one has proven that the house is full of Banana Nut Brans, despite the show’s questionable “coach” twist.
Surely, I couldn’t be the only fan skeptical of this season’s theme following two lackluster episodes. After having seen Britney, Boogie, Dan, and Janelle play the game at least once each, their gameplay — and the newbies’ complete passivity — began to be as boring as a bowl of Granola. But Thursday night saw the first indication of newbie rebellion — and complete, utter, kick-yourself-in-the-head insanity.
I speak, of course, of Mr. Fruit Loops himself, Willie Hantz, not only publicly feuding with the popular Frank, but also spewing homophobia and rebelling against the coaches. And while Willie’s imitating of Wig is indefensible (really, Willie? You have two eyes that see Wig’s hair and you choose to mock his voice?), his gut was in the right place when he chose to call the house meeting. Just not his brain.
Despite the fact that Willie was as itching to get Kara out of the house as he was itching to itch his neck, the lesser Hantz decided to rally the newbies, warning them that the coaches could find their way into the game. “We can change this game,” he told them, while Joe dreamed of what he’d look like with Guy Fieri’s frosted tips, Wig wondered if he should break out his old golfer hat, and Kara amorphous blobbed the s**t out of the room. In other words, no one cared. That is, until Willie mocked Wig, leading to Season 14’s first big brawl.
So how did it all go down? Frank, recognizing that perhaps the person who put him up for eviction after promising to keep him in the game is not the most trustworthy player (apparently, the dude can cross “quick learner” off his skill set on his already thin resume), shared Willie’s homophobic mockery with the house.
NEXT: Willie doesn’t make a Smart Start.Joe admitted to Frank that Willie wanted to split the votes — rather than unanimously keep Frank in the game — and send him drivin’ and divin’ straight out of the house to Flavor Town. Before long, Wig got wind of Willie’s comment, Britney told Willie everyone hated him, and Willie was left with nothing to do on homecoming night than watch the popular girls teepee his house while reading New Moon with a box of Kleenex.
Lest you believe the drama ended there, Willie then publicly derided Frank for talking smack after the Head of Household did “everything in his power” to keep Frank in the game as long as you forget about that whole nomination thing.. As Frank defended his gameplay, telling Willie he rightly had to play for himself, the rest of the house watched idly nearby: Britney looked in horror as she saw her star player implode, Joe marinated himself in the pool until he was TGI Friday’s ready, and Janelle used Jojo’s body to retouch the bronzer on her face. And then something beautiful happened: Willie, clearly exasperated and out of insults, proved his manliness to the rest of the house: “I’m a f**king grown-ass man. And when I come in and get something to eat, I’m gonna f**king sit down there and eat some f**king food, Fruit Loops or whatever, cuz that’s what I wanna do!” Please, someone put this on a bumper sticker.
But talk about a not Smart Start. Yes, Willie, you had the right idea — rallying a newbie base that already outnumbered the coaches — but choosing to prove your prowess in week one by publicly denouncing a popular contestant and forming a rivalry with four coaches that are not even your rivals yet is Nuts (‘n Honey. Okay, I’ll stop now). Why not pull your fellow newbies aside one by one to share your suspicions about the season ahead? Instead, Willie is doing exactly what he had hoped to avoid: He’s proving to be just as much trouble as his brother, Russell, but with half the social skill set. And when you prove you’re a worse social player than a man who deliberately wastes water, steals socks, and willingly hangs out with a host who non-ironically wears conch shell necklaces (oh my god, is Shane really Jeff Prosbst?!), you know you are definitely Fruit Loops.
Especially when your former target, Frank, becomes your future nemesis. Because, as so often happens on Big Brother, the tides have turned. After Frank became the most embarrassing face of anti-bullying efforts during his speech and was deemed safe in the game, he managed to snag the Head of Household title after acing a dull quiz about an anonymous cat burglar that only served to remind me of the time Mark Wahlberg still disrespected himself enough to visit the Big Brother house. So, yes, Willie does need to watch his back — especially since you can never trust an aggressive blinker like Frank.
But because Big Brother can do more in an hour than JoJo, we have another twist on the horizon! As Chenbot told us at the end of the episode, the coach that wins the coach’s competition this week will have the opportunity to keep one of their players safe — or trade their player for a different houseguest. And, meanwhile, somewhere, Hugh Hefner is wondering why "G. Okara" isn't responding to his texts.
Surprised Frank lasted the week — and nabbed Head of Household? Is Willie poised for elimination this week? What kind of medical condition does Willie have if betrayal makes him vomit? If Britney is right that Dan is surrounded by an angel chorus whenever he speaks, does that mean angels also suffer from voice immodulation? Why isn’t anyone making fun of Wig’s hair? Do you think Shane knows Kara’s legs attach to a body? Do you agree that Kara is an entity that exists? And should Count Chocula feel left out right now?
Follow Kate on Twitter @HWKateWard