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'Big Brother' Recap: Quack Pack Attack

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Aug 20, 2012 | 8:17am EDT

ALTGuys, I just said "Quack Pack Attack." You know it was only a matter of time. You know that the stupid rhymes and puns would start soon enough. Oh, well the rest of the housemates are sitting ducks. Quack Quack! I can't wait until they flip Mike Boogie the bird. Quack Quack. Something is definitely fowl. Quack Quack. Yes, I could go on all day. The only thing more ridiculous is their little Quack Pack mating call circle jerk where they all get together and make flappy flappy gesture with their hands next to their mouths and go, "Quack quack quack." It's sort of like a slutty version of the chicken dance.

Anyway, last time we left our lovely house guests, they were competing in the HoH challenge where they had to full up a bowl with liquid while crashing across a Crisco greased Slip 'N' Slide. The thing was, they could choose to go for the HoH, a $10K prize, or safety from eviction that week. Here's the stupid thing, everyone went for safety, including all of the floaters. This right here sums up why floaters will never win. They're just worried about being safe that week. They just want to squeak right by and not make any ways and not have to make any of the decisions that are going to really put them in the game. So Ashley, Joe, Dan (who hates to win a challenge for different, philosophical reasons), Britney, and a red headed ghost which was floating back and forth and trying to hold onto the little liquid scooper but it kept falling through her invisible hand, all went for safety. Stupid. Britney eventually won. Good for her.

Boogie was the only one going for the prize and he won it. It was also a short-sighted decision, considering Frank couldn't play for HoH and Mike was the only one who could keep either of them safe. But this is so Mike Boogie and just another of the million reasons that I hate him. For someone who thinks he is the best ever at this game, he can be really awful sometimes.

So, the race for HoH is down to Shane, Danielle, and Ian, who are the only ones trying for it. Who do you think is going to win this one? Oh, we all know the answer to that question, but here is a question we don't know the answer to: Why is Ian always wearing a unitard of his own volition and just how many does he have? In the "hang onto the side of a pirate ship" challenge, he wore a yellow Spandex body suit with some clothing over it. Last night he wore a green one. Did he bring these into the house? Is his obsession with BB so all-consuming that he just owns these things that are usually reserved for punishment and just wears them around for fun?

OK, so Shane wins. Duh. Now we all know what is going to happen. Boogie and Frank are going on the block. Ian pretty much seals their fate when he tells Britney that Boogie was all, "If you win, who are you going to put up? Britney?" She gets in Shane's ear and everyone decides they can't be trusted. I'm not sure Ian is aware of it, but he is playing the best game by far. If it works out, he will have gotten the Quack Pack to get rid of F&B without them ever thinking he did it. If Ian is smart, he's gonna win this whole damn thing. He's already decimated the Silent Six without even knowing it was in place, so good on you, Ian.

Where Ian is stupid is when it comes to girls. He asks Ashley out on another date, but it only consists of them eating pizza and slapping the table. We've all been on dates where pizza and slapping occur, but none as boring as this. He doesn't know how to talk to girls at all, and Ashley really has nothing interesting to say. Oh, poor Ashley. Poor poor floater Ashley.

Everyone is out in the pool and they're floating around and listen to Joe tell tall tales about how he was once president of the United States, but no one really knows it because he filled out the paper work wrong and they took the office away from him, and that's why he's a chef now. Oh, but he cooks for the Obamas all the time. They're like his close personal friends. Yes! So, everyone is in the pool and Shane starts finding all these balls in the hallway and follows them to the claw machine in the arcade room. "What do these balls mean?" Shane asks. It means you've finally got some balls, Shane, so nominate Frank and Boogie like you're supposed to. No, the balls show them that there is a box with a ? on it in the balls. What does it mean? Pandora's box? Probably. A new brain for Ashley? No way. Some twist the producers invented so that they can keep Frank in the game for another week when they had the lame twist where the game was "reset" and no one was voted out? Definitely. Yes, this a ploy to keep Boogie and/or Frank in the game longer than boring duds like Ashely, Joe, and that red sheet with two eyes cut out of it that keeps roaming around the house pretending to be a ghost.

Of course, Shane nominated Froogie (which is what Us Weekly would call Frank and Boogie and only because "Bank" is an actual thing already) as he should. Then he said, "It's because prize and stuff and box and question and whatnot thingamajig whatchamacallit. Play for Veto." Yeah, way to go Shane. You really ducked trouble on that one. Quack Quack.

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: CBS]

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