Chris Harrison's velvety voice in the promos for the season finale of Bachelor Pad promises the "most shocking, most disturbing" finale ever. Can it be true? Is it possible that a Bachelor finale will actually live up to the hype? Despite my better judgement, I'm excited for this one, kids. Like, it's my birthday and there is a box of cupcakes in front of me and I think I spy pin the tail on the donkey and a new iPad out of the corner of my eye, excited. See below for an example. Trust me, I wish I was exaggerating.
To kick off the show, Chris Harrison welcomes back all the contestants who got the boot. They file in one by one and I can't help but make a few observations. They are as follows:
1. I half hope that Blakeley and Tony have broken up, because her dress is showing off way too much skin for someone who could possibly be a step mom very soon.
2. Jamie looks like a sluttier Esmerelda. Which, when you think about it, is kind of a hard thing to do, because Esmerelda was kind of a floozy.
3. Where's Reid? Is Reid ever there? How did he get out of this?
4. Ha! SWAT! I forgot that SWAT existed.
5. Erica Rose got rid of her nasty rattail extensions and it was a seriously good call.
Now that we're all settled in, the show can get started. Oh wait, just kidding. Since this is a part of Bachelor Nation, we have to look backwards before we can move forward. We get a nice little montage of all the crying, sighing, backstabbing and *ahem* back rubs (that's code for sexytimes) from the past season. It takes approximately four hours to do so.
Now we can get started. Oh wait, kidding again. We are going to check in with all of the eliminated cast members. Well, not Ryan or SWAT or people we didn't realize were on the show, but the most crying-y cast members. We learn that Kalon and Lindzi, who has decided to let someone hold her by her hair and dip her completely in a jar of henna, are still dating, but Michael and Rachel are not (more on that later). Also still dating are Blakeley and Tony. Let's pause on Blakeley and Tony for a second.
If there is anything good that has ever come out of Bachelor Pad, Blakeley and Tony's relationship is standing right next to it. On the show their relationship seemed a bit forced, and Blakeley mostly looked at Tony like he was a slimy piece of day-old turkey that is still kind of edible but not all that appealing. "He's a domesticated man," she says, not without fondness. But now Blakeley's gaze is full of love. "He made everything okay," Blakeley tells Chris Harrison. "Sometimes I feel like it's too good to be true because I don't know what I did to deserve someone like that." Normally I would make fun of someone who says something this mushy, but Blakeley is just so sincere I want to coo instead.
Chris Harrison stops the aww-ing to get things back on track. "Don't you two have an announcement?" he prods. And they do. They are moving in together! In Portland! How 21st Century of them. But wait, that's not all! Tony starts to babble and Blakeley starts to look around frantically like she's positive someone is going to jump out and reveal that she's on candid camera. But she's not, and Tony is down on one knee and he has a Neil Lane diamond and holy smokes, they're engaged! Mazel!
Now that the happy is out of the way, we can get to the sads. Enter, the final four. Rachel and Nick, Chris and Sarah are finally let out of their holding pens and into the room, and they must face the reckoning of their peers.
First up, we hear the whole sad saga that is the fiery car crash of a relationship that was Michael and Rachel. The gist of it is that Michael led Rachel on. He thought they had a "summer camp" relationship, but she thought it was something more. After the show ended, Michael decided he didn't have strong enough feelings to pursue a "long distance and long term" relationship with Rachel. His breakup method apparently included a lot of cuddling in bed, which was (understandably) confusing for Rachel. To add insult to injury, Michael then struck up a long distance relationship with some hottie who lives in Chicago. So, that's a bummer.
This brings us to the part of the program where everyone skewers Chris for being such a dick. The skewering's not so fun though, because Chris seems to finally realize he's a dick — mostly because his parents gave him a hearty talking to. "They don't have anything good to say … My father said he didn't raise me that way," Chris says. He ends by saying, "Don't vote for me, vote for Sarah." Well, you're a team, Chris, so that's some faulty logic.
After some tough questions — mostly from Jaclyn, who still wants to know why Rachel screwed her over — it's time for voting. The rejected cast members get to choose which couple they want to win the money. I'm not going to prolong the agony here, almost everyone votes for Rachel and Nick, so Rachel and Nick it is. On to the final round!
For the final round, each member of the team is secluded in a soundproof box, where he or she must decide whether to "Keep" or "Share" the money. If both partners choose Share, they obviously split the prize money. If one of the partners chooses Keep and one chooses Share, the partner who chose Keep keeps it all. If both partners choose Keep, neither one gets any cash, and the prize money is split between all the rejected players. You follow? So off Rachel and Nick go to their boxes.
Deliberation is over, and I can't help but remember that Chris Harrison promised us a "disturbing" finale. Rachel reveals that she chose Share, and suddenly the disturbing plot twist becomes all too clear. Go ahead f**ker, reveal your choice. Be the biggest dick ever.
Nick chose Keep. That dick. Rachel is speechless and breathless but full of tears. "You're a f**king shmuck," she says. "I'm the shmuck with $250,000," he returns.
When Nick makes his big reveal, there are still 15 minutes left in the show. We spend these 15 minutes hating Nick. Honestly, I understand that it's a game, I understand that you want to be the winner. But are you really that selfish? Are you really that conceited? Nick seems completely obvious to the fact that the only reason he was in the finale in the first place is that Rachel made a lot of friends. He meanwhile, did nothing. And yet, he thinks he got to the finale himself. The sad truth, which the credit sequence reveals, is that Nick stuck around all season because he was essentially useless and no one saw any real need to eliminate him. Then he lucked into a partnership with the most popular woman in the Bachelor Pad mansion. Rachel is devastated, the former contestants are disillusioned, Nick is a dick, and I feel like I need a shower.
Sometimes I remember that these are real people. These are actual, semi-regular people with families, jobs, and bills who will leave this show and go back to their regular lives. Yes, Nick, it's a game. But it's not Shoots and Ladders. You ripped $125,000 away from a perfectly decent person. And for what? A third new car? A fancier vacation? It's not worth it. You're a dick.
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[Photo Credit: ABC]