This week’s episode of Glee was like a scoop of vanilla ice cream. It was sweet, satisfying, and definitely made my night a lot more enjoyable, but it wasn’t fully amazing. I’m not sure if it was missing the chocolate covered smackdown of a Santana and Quinn v. Brody faceoff, or a sprinkle more of Emma Pillsbury, but it definitely left me wanting more. Read on for everything you may have missed in “Naked” and then hit the comments below with your thoughts on the episode!
So Here’s What You Missed on Glee:
Return to Regionals! The episode opens and we see Hunter Clarington being bombarded with press discussing his recent cheating scandal with the Dalton Warblers. Looks like round face Warbler indeed decided to confess to their roid-ridden sectionals performance and now the New Directions are headed to Regionals! Over in the choir room, Finn is looking especially cute in his tight sweater/collared shirt combo as he congratulates Blaine and Sam for revealing the seedy underbelly of Dalton Academy and thus earning them a trip to Indianapolis. Which according to Artie is the “Paris of Indiana.”
Finn announces that they still need to raise $400 for the bus to regionals is then quickly shot down when he suggests a bake sale. (Side-Note: Aww, season one flashbacks!) Tina then once again channels her inner-Rachel and confidently announces her plan to raise money: A Men of McKinley Calendar! “Let’s face it, this is the cutest crop of Glee boys we’ve ever had.” (Side-Note: Gasp! You bite your tongue you little tart! I seem to remember your former beau used to have a pretty amazing bod. This group of boys is particularly cute sure, but let’s take into account the fact that Jake and Ryder have baby faces.)
Over in Figgins’ office, Brittany and Sam are being told that the two of them have received the highest and lowest scores ever recorded at McKinley. Sam is confident that he’s a “secret genius” and Figgins announces that Brittany received a near-perfect score. Clearly baffled Sam asks, “Wait, what? How?” (Side-Note: You’ve got to be freaking kidding me?!
Sam is supposed to be Brittany’s boyfriend. Someone who is supportive and believes in the fact that Brittany is the closest thing to a unicorn that this earth will ever see. Does anyone else remember when Brittany was devastated when Artie accidently called her “stupid”?
All I’m saying is Santana would’ve sung Brittany a song and rewarded her with some sweet lady kisses, not look dumbfounded at her test-taking skills.) Sam looks devastated but Brittany reminds him that he has a killer bod and he could definitely be a greeter at Abercrombie’s corporate headquarters.
Over near the lockers, Tina is still drooling over Blaine like a pathetic little puppy when Sam struts down the hallway in nothing but a pair of swim trunks. Blaine does his best to tap into his sympathetic friend mode even though it’s clear that he’s 19-kinds of turned on. “Are you sure you’re not overcompensating a little?” Sam dismisses Blaine’s concerns and invites him to his seminar later that afternoon. “It’s a one-hour course entitled ‘Modern Centerfold: Techniques That Work for Today’s Hot New Posers.’”
Some of Sam’s brilliant tips include, Broga (yoga for bros), shaving your chest and back, and “packing a little extra” with baby socks. The Men of McKinley break into a mashup of “Centerfold/Hot in Herre” and perform a very season one-esque workout routine with the cheerios.
Calendars and Centerfolds: In the teacher’s lounge, Sue approaches Finn and once again says that she’s opposed to their idea to raise money for nationals. What a shocker. (Side-Note: I’m sorry but I can’t begin to tell you how sick I am of seeing episode after episode where Coach Sue tries to take down the glee club. Don’t you have better things to do now? Don’t you have a child to look after? It’s time for a new threat in McKinley.) Sue says the calendars are like high school pornorgraphy and Finn retorts, “Sue Sylvester you can suck a hot one because you are a hypocrite.”
Apparently Sue posed nakey for Penthouse Magazine back in the day and Finn says that he’s going to find it so she can’t stop the New Direction’s calendar. (Side-Note: Did anyone else just get extremely uncomfortable when Finn said “suck a hot one”? Their whole interaction just made me a little nauseous.)
Finn asks Artie to search through years and years of vintage porn to find Sue’s centerfold and Artie tells Finn that he’s not comfortable posing for the calendar. “It’s not just girls who have body issues, sometimes guys aren’t cool with showing off their bodies either.”
On the day of the calendar shoot, Tina is foaming at the mouth and then men of McKinley are looking particularly scrumptious in their holiday themed outfits. However it’s clear that Sam is taking this far more seriously than everyone else. Blaine confronts his friend saying, “This is not who you are Sam. You’d not some body-obsessed muscle head!”
Sam breaks down with tears in his eyes explaining that he feels like his good physique is the only thing that makes him special. Blaine is quick to counter his crush telling him, “Let it go. Have a burger every now and then, eat a bag of Cheetos, skip a workout, sleep in a little. You’re body isn’t going to change and even if you have 7% percent body fat you’re going to see that all of us still love you and we’re going to laugh at your impressions.”
Holy crap it’s Emma! (Side-Note: Squeeeeeeeee!) Blaine asked Ms. Pillsbury to help Sam find a path to college that doesn’t necessarily require SAT scores. Emma also reminds Sam that there are countless of scholarships that will help him pay his way through school, all he needs is a personal essay about his accomplishments. Sam once again sells himself short saying, “Like what? Like my abs and my fish lips?" (Side-Note: Aww Sam. Don't forget that you're a good person with an endless supply of promise rings too!)
Back in the teacher's lounge, Finn presents Sue with an envelope and tells her that he found her dirty magazine. Sue looks genuinely impressed saying she thought she bought all the copies, and even admits that she’s not ashamed of her centerfold.
However when Sue went to take a peek at her lady bits, she say that the magazine inside was actually Highlights. (Side-note: Holy crap! I loved those magazines! The hidden picture search was always my particularly favorite part.) Sue looks baffled for a second but then Finn reveals that he even though he couldn’t find her publication, he was able to record her entire confession. Clearly impressed with his own technological skills, Finn saunters out of the teacher’s lounge looking like a boss.
Newbie Lovin: Brittany asks Marley what she’s doing after school that day and all of the sudden, before we can even process the amazingness, the music begins: Fondue for Two!!! (Side-Note: It’s like the Glee gods heard my cries about awkward college show choir hipsters and lack of Wemma so they’re rewarding me with this incredible little gem. Thank you!)
Brittany introduces Marley as the girl who ruined sectionals and reveals that the sophomore also enjoys reading The Hunger Games. (Side-Note: I volunteer as tribute to be the next guest on Fondue for Two!) After Marley reveals that Lord Tubbington has a gambling problem and nearly burns herself on boiling hot cheese, Brittany gets right down to it: “Please admit to my viewing audience that you are in love with Jake.”
Brittany tells Marley that since Jake is willing to bear it all in the calendar, she should follow in his steps and bear her feelings. While Marley ponders that information she looks like she’s going to hurl. (Side-Note: Please don’t’. That was a stellar rendition of Fondue For Two however I’ve got to admit that I was severely distracted by Brittany’s outfit.
We’ve seen her in cute normal clothes outside of her cheerios uniform so can someone please explain to me why she’s wearing a two-toned Peter Pan collared shirt with that awkward gray sweater? Not at fan.)
Jake meets Marley in the auditorium and agrees to help her pick out songs for Regionals because after her whole passing-out-on-stage disaster, she’s got a lot to make up for. McKinley’s most adorable couple then breaks into a gorgeous version of “A Thousand Years” and all of the Twihard/Gleek combo fandom fans then pass out from delight because their two worlds have collided. (Side-Note: Um, yes that would include me.)
The song ends and the two share an oh-so sweet kiss. Jake tells his lady, “There’s something you want to tell me, I can tell,” but Marley just stammers out “I love… this song." (Side-Note: Are they really already in “I love you” territory? Didn’t they just become official last week? Oh wait, what I am thinking? This is high school! Okay proceed with your instantaneous love!)
Jake and Ryder are sharing a very brolicious work-out sesh together when Tina and Kitty enter the boy’s locker room to assign them their sexy months. (Side-Note: I’m sorry but Tina and Kitty seem like two dogs in heat. Calm down ladies, no guy has ever wanted to be with a girl who is consistently salivating at the mouth and has to wipe the drool away from her shirt every five minutes.
Take a cold shower and chill because your ovaries are clearly on overdrive.) Jake tells his bestie that ever since he’s been seeing Marley, he doesn’t even notice any other girl. So Ryder encourages his bro to be the first one to tell her I love you. “Chicks dig hot guys who are willing to get naked for calendars but what they’re really looking for is a guy who will get naked emotionally.” Jake takes the advice and in the choir room he sings an incredibly beautiful and stripped down version of “Let Me Love You.” (Side-Note: Holy crap. I have no words. My friend is indeed a talented fella.)
NEXT: New York Nakedness
To Be (Naked) or Not To Be (Naked): Rachel just finished auditioning for a senior NYADA student’s horribly pretentious play about how a grandmother’s slip into dementia is an allegory for the end of the world. (Side-Note: Blegh. Pass.) Rachel is offered the lead role, but before she can get too excited, the ascot-wearing student mentions that she would have to be topless in one scene. As Rachel ponders to herself whether or not this is something that she should do, a miracle happens and Rachel’s former sweater-loving self appears.
Old Rachel tells New Rachel, “You’re not a porn star even though your hair and your makeup makes you look like one.” (Side-Note: Burn! Woah. It’s crazy amazing to see the two Rachels side-by-side. Old Rachel’s posture is perfection and her short, fast-paced yet precisely articulated sentences are definitely things that I’m marveling at right now. Rachel used to always be so confident, so sure of her choices and goals. I miss that girl.) The two Rachels break out into a beautiful duet of “Torn” and Glee fans everywhere squeal with delight to see the return of the reindeer sweater. As the song ends Rachel tells the student that she’ll do the scene.
In the loft, Kurt is enjoying a delicious bowl of Rooster O’s cereal when a very naked Brody struts out over to the table and sits down. Rachel joins the boys at the table with a sing-songy “Good morning!” and Kurt is shocked and disgusted explaining, “Your boyfriend’s bare ass is on one of my vintage flea market chairs!” Brody retorts, “Hey I’m not ashamed of my body and I wanted to show Rachel that I support her choice completely.” (Side-Note: Oh. My. God. Shut up Brody! You’re an inconsiderate, egotistical, hot-headed ass who clearly does not have Rachel’s best interest at heart. Rachel you’re currently just an idiot who is trying to pass off lust for love and wants to show off your ta-ta’s because you think it will make you an experienced and mature actress. Newsflash: it doesn’t.)
Brody’s brilliant reasoning is that if you want to win an Oscar, you have to show your boobs. Kurt then delivers the most amazing line that what we’ve all been thinking: “I don’t get it, a year ago you were all plaid skirts and ‘Do you think Finn likes me?’
And now you’re slutty Barbie, asking misogynistic Ken to move in with you and doing pornos. What’s happening to you?” (Side-Note: Do I think Kurt’s words were harsh? You’re damn right, but I could not be happier to hear him say them. Rachel needed that verbal slap in the face from her best friend; unfortunately his words should have been laced with a bit more poison because she still doesn’t get it.)
Rachel returned to the loft to find that Santana and Quinn are waiting for her and she then promptly freaks the eff out. Santana explains, “Lady Hummel called and begged us to do an emergency intervention.”
But of course that’s not the only reason, they’re also in town to go shopping and “to apologize to Quinn for slapping her across the face really really hard.” (Side-Note: Aww suck it up Quinn, you deserved it.) Santana and Quinn tell Rachel that she’s absolutely crazy if she thinks this is a good idea.The three Lima ladies sit down and discuss the rule of 2-2-2: How are you going to feel about it in two weeks? Two months? And two years? It’s clear that Rachel is starting to doubt her decision, especially after Santana warned her about the perils of having something forever on the internet. (Side-Note: Ahem, by a show of comments, who here also forgot about Santana’s sex tape adventure?)
Over at the shoot for the student film, Rachel is walking through what appears to be in a dream-like scene wearing her pink furry robe and an apprehensive look on her face. When the director tells Rachel to drop the robe, it looks like she’s a dear caught in the headlights. (Side-Note: Of course the director is wearing a black beret. Could you more any more cliché honey?)
Rachel asks that the crew members remove their shirts too so that she’ll feel more comfortable and surprisingly, they agree to do it. However in the second take, Rachel is still clutching onto her robe for dear life when she finally tells the director that she can’t do it. “I think it’s okay for actresses to be naked and maybe someday I’ll be ready but I just realized that I’m not ready to be naked now.” (Side-Note: Good for you Rachel! You’re kind of slow, and it took you a while to get there, but I’m glad that you realized that showing your lady buttons is not the answer. In other news: Suck it Brody.)
Rachel, clearly proud of her self-revelation, breaks into “Love Song” and meets up with Quinn and Santana so the three ladies can show off their gorgeous voices in a trio. The songs ends and Rachel begs her friends to stay for the night so she can buy them dinner.
Santana then drops her first “Diva” teaser, “I’m in no rush to get back to Kentucky. I think I could get used to it here in New York, it’s more of my speed.” (Side-Note: I could not agree more. My television misses your weekly dose of spit-fire insults. But now let me just officially confirm that I am completely devastated that there were no interactions between Brody, Quinn and Santana. I would give almost anything to see Loopy Quinn unleash her coveted bitch look or watch Santana to go all Lima Heights Adjacent on that pretty boy’s behind…)
The Final Five: Blaine finds Sam trying to work on his essay and offers him a little inspiration. The former Warbler then brings out his laptop and plays Sam a video montage of all of Sam’s friends (Mercedes and Santana included!) talking all about Trouty Mouth’s past accomplishments and amazing characteristics. (Side-Note: Um, if this video is supposed to include all of Sam’s exes, then where the heck is Quinn? Their relationship is arguably the most genuine of them all, so why wasn’t she included in this We Heart Sam video?)
Sam and Blaine then share a sweet and bromatic hug. Sam later approaches Artie in the hallway and politely asks him to pose in the calendar with the rest of the boys. To show that he’s sorry for acting like a hot-headed douche, Sam poses for his months in the calendar with clothes on so that Artie is not the only one refusing to go shirtless.
The ladies of McKinley are all aflutter and are practically throwing themselves at the glee club boys. Marley is waiting in line for a calendar too but her beau pulls her aside and says that he already made on out for her. Written next to his Jake-o-Lantern, young Puckerman wrote, “I love you –Jake” Marley gasps and says, “I love you back.” (Side-Note: That was really sweet.
Most people would respond with “I love you too” but I guess Marley is determined to prove to us that she can always be sufficiently awkward in even the simplest scenarios. Good for you!) The New Directions then break into “The New Year” and have an amazing time running around the auditorium stage and acting all love-dovey in their black-and-white themed outfits. (Side-Note: I’m obsessed and a half with this song and their little music video moment. This performance brought me back to the Glee that I first fell in love with and I could not be happier with it.)
Most Heartwarming Moment: This week it’s a tie between the reindeer sweater, Sam’s tribute video, and seeing Rachel embrace Quinn and Santana in the New York Loft.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Sam break down and cry to Blaine in the lockerroom.
“You may know tonight’s guest only as the girl with the fat mom who ruined sectionals for everybody. Please give it up for our very own Marley Rose!”—Brittany to the Fondue for Two camera
“For the record Blaine has an awesome body and a perky and delicious behind that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef.”—Tina
“You have such broad shoulders. Seriously if you ever want to tap this, just say the word.”—Dottie
What did you think of “Naked”? Do you wish there were a lot more Rachel, Santana and Quinn time? What was your favorite month of the calendar? Sing your thoughts in the comments below!
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[Photo Credit: FOX]