Shirtless Sean, wilderness master and doer of all of the things is ready to find the Woman Who Can Do It All! At least, that's what it looks like because Bachelor star Sean Lowe apparently likes his women to be masters of all and a slave to none! So he takes his well-primped lasses of varying levels of outdoorsiness and brings them to Whitefish, Montana where they will have to climb, row, jump, run, and forage for his love. Ah, wilderness! What a natural choice. The girls are going to be roughin' it on their dates. So it's no surprise that everything about this episode — including Sean — was miserable. MISERABLE.
Lindsey gets the first date and the two spend much of the evening sitting around not doing much. They both keep mentioning how intense their "talk" was, but what about this conversation is intense? It doesn't totally matter because it's time for the entire town to come together and watch Sean and Lindsey date to tonight's most-mediocre country-ish singer du jour: Sarah Darling. Oh easily-palatable and generic love songs, how many times can you reinvent yourself? (The answer is infinity.) Tonight featured state names. Because your smile is like California even though your teeth are more like Connecticuts. But that's OK because you have the hair of Idaho and an ass like Texas! Your hips may be more Kentucky than Ohio but that's OK because you've got all the power where it counts: Florida! Oh wait, sorry, that's not at all the lyrics to the song. Something something whatever whatever. Sean's so happy that the girl he thought was "just a crazy girl in the wedding dress" happens to be less crazy than he anticipated. Lucky for Lindsey, she already knows that Sean is 1,000% the world's most perfect human. And also cute. True LOVE, you guys! Blossoming all around us. Isn't it so romantic to watch?
There's a group date and the infamous two-on-one date (where two women enter the thunderdome, but only one can leave....alive!) Selma, AshLee, Deisree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella are heading out for a group date, leaving Tierrable Le Worst and Jackie McWhosyWhatsy for the two-on-one. Please note how excited Tierrable is for the two-on-one and how she thinks "we'll be fine," because we'll come back to that. Later.
Because for now, it's time to talk group date! Also known as, the moment everything went to s**t. Not even Selma's belief that Sean is actually the human embodiment of Prince Charming will save this date. Because everyone's going to end up pissed off, in the end.
Also, can we have a moment for how hypocritical it is that guys want a woman who can do and is into everything? What the f**k is up with that? Even Mr. Nice Guy Sean is a victim to this hypocritical double standard when he brings these women out to the competition and explained that he likes it when girls can straddle ALL of the lines — including being a sexpot in heels and a mud-loving female lumberjack who moonlights as a farmhand slash nature enthusiast. Do women expect their men to like sports but also be into the theater while strutting down the street like a male model? I mean, last time I checked: NO. Why? Because everyone is different and everyone has different personalities. For the men on this show, they want an everywoman that just doesn't seem to exist. No wonder none of the dudes find love on this show. They all want some sort of bombshell that has all of the interests in all of the things. Society has led them to believe this is what every woman is, and they're upset when they can't find it. Phew, OK. Anyone else exhausted? Sorry about that.
Not that it's going to get any better, though, because the girls themselves all look f**king miserable. They'll be forced to run, kayak, and saw some wood before getting down on their knees to milk a cow and then drink it. OK, seriously? Now ABC's just f**king with is, right? Or maybe they're just personally f**king with me because somehow these gals are all gung-ho about chugging warm goat milk in the name of true love. Because nothing says "I want that lady to have my baby!" like a group competition that ends with these poor girls giving glorified handies to an animal for milk (and sport). Man, I'm really doing it wrong in my dating life.
The gals put on their flannel plaid shirts — just like Sean's!! LOL — to represent the red and blue teams they've been separated into. The losing team immediately goes home (of course). The girls talk hand job milking techniques. (Totally not the same!) And then comes the kayaking. Without even a bit of instruction (and a heck of a lot of squawking) they're off. And, surprise surprise, the girls crash into every single thing ever, because they're flailing about wildly instead of actually looking at what they're doing and thinking logically about how things work. And how to make things move. It's almost comical. They bale some hay and cut some wood. These broads are a regular bunch of Paul Bunyons. Desiree milks and swallows the goat's, um, milk, and the red team wins. Date time!
Only notsofast: Sean's glad to be with the red team and all, but he's upset that he had to send someone home. So he tasks Chris Harrison with the job of returning the rest of his harem to the bar they're drinking at: obviously, the red team is p-i-s-s-e-d. Which sort of makes sense: Sean bringing back the blue team totally negates all the work and humiliation they accomplished.
Lucky for everyone involved, Tierrable is here to ruin the day some more! Remember when Tierrable was oh-so excited about the two-on-one date? Well since it's been 5 minutes and she hasn't gotten any attention from Sean, she's pissed off, natch, and feels like she's being misled. So she decides its time to find Sean because it's been 4 minutes since he told her where "his head is at." She's confused! A lot can happen in four minutes — I mean, heck, Madonna and Justin Timberlake saved the entire world in that amount of time.
Anyway, in the most obviously and hackneyed manipulation grab yet, Tierrable oh-so-conveniently finds a BLACK version of the flannel shirt the girls were wearing at their group date, puts it on, and wears it to find Sean. And right when the producer says "are you anticipating any other surprises tonight?" Tierrable shows up, covers his eyes and says "Sean?" Hey ABC, slow your role on the tactics, man. We get that you're totally egging these folks on to be tierrable-style garbage monsters, but don't make it so theatrical or you'll lose your whole audience. This isn't The Real Housewives now. Have some decorum about it. Sheesh!
Anyway, Sean is surprised, of course. "What are you doing here?" He was shocked and happy to see her. Tierrable goes on and on, talking about how she thought they had something special and then she got a slap on the face by way of his two-on-one date invitation. YOU KNOW, the one she said she was EXCITED for earlier? Why, why, why does this girl constantly lie? I don't like to hate people, Tierrable, but you make it so f**king hard to like you. She came "all the way to Montana" and is apparently mad that she got the two-on-one. So, naturally, Sean does what any dumb but nice guy would do: try and quell her fears. He's playing right into this game of hers! I understand coincidence and general emotional states, but Tierrable really just feels to me like she's pulling every rabbit out of any hat she can find in order for this guy to keep her around, rather than just being herself. Her true colors flash before us when she explains that she feels like she got a head start on the two-on-one date. Obviously she did! She's trying to manipulate the situation to her advantage. She's like a ninja tennis player. They kiss. Confidence and crazy in spades, this one.
So now that everyone is butthurt about everything, the real fun gets to start. Like, for example: when Selma is angry she turns into a third-person-obsessed Hulk (you won't like Hulk when Hulk is angry!): Blood v. Crips, Sharks v. Jets, it's O-N now, y'all. Teams red vs. blue, all the way to the end. Way to bring the drama, Sean. For someone that hates drama, you sure did make a big dramatic power play with that one.
But let's get back to the delusional ones because that's always way more fun: AshLee believes that Sean only called the whole team back because he only wanted to talk to her. Man, being so confident in your own misinformation must be a wonderful thing, huh? So convenient, I bet. Whatever, though, guyz, because like, AshLee and her confused capitals have a "soul connection" with Sean that she can't put into words. (How many producers were high-fiving after she said all that, do you think? Do you imagine they were in the control room going "yes!" and fist-pumping when they got such an embarrassing admission on tape?) She adores him! He's crazy about her. She feels protected. She's falling in love. Because of course she is.
Daniella is pissed that her boyfriend hasn't given her enough time. She goes outside and Catherine is sitting on Sean's lap and it made her uncomfortable. It's as if she realized that her boyfriend isn't actually her boyfriend, but rather a dude that is casually seeing 25 women on television. She was weirded out that they both looked happy and were being romantical on a show about finding love. Who does that, right? Naturally, this sends AshLee into a tailspin of tears, which continues immediately upon Sean's fetching of her. She is an emotional disasterpiece, but Sean loves that about all of them!
Now it's time for ABC's casual dip into the polyamory pool with their two-on-one, winner-takes-all, high-stakes date. Tierrable begins the night maniacally cackling like the terrible version of an evil Disney queen that she thinks she is and declares: "Jackie does not know that she's about to go on a date with me and my husband!" Oh, Tierrable While we're certain that Jackie is (and she does, just FYI) going to get the boot on this date thanks to your hard work to ensure that's exactly what happens, we know that Sean won't end up with you. ABC would never allow it even if he did feel like she was the one. Why? Five words: Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson. Because, you know, that whole situation went over real well with the audience.
So Jackie knows some stuff about Tierrable and she feels it is her duty to tell him what's up. AKA the kiss of death. Because the funny thing about the dudes on this show, is that they always say they want a lady who tells him what's up, but the second they try to (as diplomatically as they can — by not naming specifics which I think they do as a tactic to not come across as tattle tales but really just ends up making them look petty and without any sort of evidentiary basis for their disdain) say anything, they get the boot. So obviously, Jackie is going home here. Even though she gave the specific of Tierrable openly flirting with some guy at the airport. You're right, Sean! These women never give you specifics! How frustrating...oh wait. No, you just don't want to hear it. People never want to hear bad things about people they like: they have to experience them first hand. So if future Bachelor contestants can take away anything from this recap? Let is be that you should just never say anything about the obvious villain-y one until the boy sees the villain-y behavior himself. So just stop telling people on this show that so-and-so isn't "real" or "genuine" or "here for the right reasons" (actually, never say those phrases ever again for as long as reality television rules the airwaves) and just suck it up and deal. Have evidence to back up your claims that is tangible, or just sit the f**k down and shut the f**k up. OK? Cool.
Before Jackie is sent packing, Sean gives Tierrable a chance to defend herself. She explains that she "has the biggest heart" and just wants to "love and get love back." Because she was with a guy for 5 years who went to rehab and then died. So she's scared of losing people she cares about and protects those sacred bonds with frivolous and melodramatic stabs at anyone who gets in her way. She is narcissistic with a capital N. Everything is constantly about how other people have done stuff and she's just sat around like an innocent bystander. Claiming ignorance isn't an excuse, my dude. Of course Sean thanks her, tells her he's aware it hasn't been easy for her, and sends Jackie packing. The master manipulator strikes again! And this time she gets fireworks for all her hard work. Follow your heart, Sean.
Back at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Desiree ponders how or why Sean could choose someone like Tierrable over someone as sweet and kind as Jackie. So now, of course, Sean is having doubts about Desiree. Oh lord please, child. Jesus take the wheel or something because I cannot begin to deal with this for the rest of the season. We get it, Sean. You're so hard-pressed to stick it in Tierrable that you'd probably overlook if she had the tail of a dragon and a farting, pustule-pocked gremlin riding on her back at all times. Why, why, why is it always this way?
Since it's been seven minutes, Tierrable decides it's time to get upset and bring the focus back around to her because the girls all agreed that it was hard to watch someone as nice as Jackie be sent home. Obviously on the Tierrable Show (I imagine its slogan to be "I don't deserve this, and it's your fault!") this means war, so Tierrable storms off and dreams of beating the "s**t out of these b**ches." Oh yes, your heart, Tierrable, it is so kind and loving and understanding and wonderful. It seems like everyone is going nuts and is just totally over the whole thing, so Robyn goes to confront her about her fakeness. And then Lesley comes with her own issues. And then Catherine shows up just for s**ts and giggles, and so Tierrable claims that everyone is being mean and victimizing her. They all claim they're confused as to who the real Tierrable is. She doesn't care what people say, though! Even though she consistently (and with brute force!) takes everything everyone says completely out of context in order to spend the next two hours super hung-up on it. Choice Tierrable line of the party? "If I wanted to get engaged I could go out there and get engaged, there are plenty of guys in the world."
Desiree puts it plainly: if Sean doesn't see it, he probably never will. And I'm starting to think she's right, you guys. Will Sean ever fully grasp the depths of horribleness that exist within Tierrable? Does he really need to get it in that badly?
Luckily, a plot twist seems to be afoot, because RIGHT when Tierrable and Robyn are getting at each other's throats and Tierrable is yelling threatening nonsense, Sean walks by. So now he's confused and needs to — again!!!! — steal Tierrable away. She tells Sean that she's not doing anything to any of the girls. Sean wants specifics as to who is being mean to her. Tierrable just says "all of them" which isn't true, because some girls really seem to not give any s**t whatsoever. Tierrable claims doesn't "deserve" to go through this at all (she doesn't ~deserve~ anything except everything that she wants and nothing that she don't, y'all! Isn't that what life's all about? Why is the world so hard on only Tierrable?! WAH WAH WAH), and that she doesn't understand why the girls hate her. She is "a nice girl" and no one gives her "credit" for that — which is something I only ever hear truly nice people saying. MAN! Nice people! Why are they always going on about how nice and great they are? Sheesh.
Captain Smartypants now feels a bit perturbed, and thinks its the women's responsibility now= to say something to him about Tierrable. Even though the girls already have several times, only to be sent home because of it. (Don't worry, though, I still think that they generally handle those conversations poorly. But still.) Catherine wishes Sean could take away a rose. Which, if he wanted to, you know he could — that sort of drama would push the ABC producers into an orgasmic frenzy, no doubt — but we all know he won't because dudes love their ladies crazy, no matter how much they say otherwise. Sean thinks Tierrable just has a target on her back (does that mean Sean thinks every other woman out there is a petty monster? Serious question. Because the logic there feels flawed, especially when he's mouth-kissing pretty much everyone else on that show and telling them how genuine they are. What are your real opinions about women then, eh Mr. Lowe? Inquiring minds want to know), and people seem to just not like her. Why is so weird! How all these people who otherwise seem fairly rational in their opinions of everyone else in the house, seem to just focus their dislike on this one person. It's weird, right? So now, of course, Sean thinks that maybe his wife isn't in that room. What if this whole cluster**k was for naught?! The HORROR! Because no one on this show ends up not marrying the love of their life, right? No time to worry about that, though, because it's time for an elimination.
BYESIES, Robyn! No one is really all that surprised that you're gone.
Sean is questioning everything! It's hard to believe that he could think that he might not find THE ONE on a television show, huh?
Tomorrow is ALL about Tierrable. "Yeah, because girls are jealous! Men love me!" Oof, it's going to be a doozy.
What do you think of Tierra's antics tonight? Does she deserve all the flack she's getting? Will Sean ever get his head out of that girl's derriere? Only time will tell, but let's speculate together in the comments!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes