Recap

'Glee' Recap: The Craziest, Most Sex-Filled Episode We've Ever Seen

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Feb 15, 2013 | 1:35pm EST

Glee wedding

This week’s episode of Glee, was absolutely, 100 percent ridiculously wonderful. I have a lot to say, so I’m not going to waste any more of your precious Glee-loving time with a long intro. From cold feet to hot bedroom scenes, I’m here to catch you up on everything you may have missed and more in, “I Do.”

So Here’s What You Missed On Glee

Pre-Wedding Craziness: The episode opens in the most perfectly wonderful way: Finn and Rachel are together! (Side-Note: Currently writing my thank you notes to cupid for bringing these two together for Valentine’s Day. Who needs love when you can obsess over a fictional couple that lives in your TV screen, amiright?) The Lima Bean is decked out in Valentine’s Day décor and a distraught-looking Finn thanks Rachel for agreeing to meet with him.

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Rachel launches into an explanation of why Brody is not there with her, but Finn quickly cuts her off, admitting the one thing that made millions of Gleeks gasp last week: “I kissed Miss Pillsbury.” A surprisingly cool and compassionate Rachel calms Finn down and says, “What you did, it wasn’t great. But I get it, you were confused and lonely and I’m sure that knowing that Brody and I are living together, it set you off.” To which Finn snaps, “Not everything is about you.” Rachel advises her former flame to channel his acting skills, keep his mouth shut and be the best best man he can for Mr. Schue. (Side-Note: Oh my God it’s only been two minutes and this episode is already amazing!)

Emma’s inner anguish is pouring out as she is trying to figure out the seating chart for the wedding, when Finn enters her office. Emma is in a full-blown OCD panic and tells Finn that he needs to “get over it” and pretend like nothing happened. “Look, when I get on that alter and I make my solemn vow for the second,  and I hope the very last time, standing right behind my husband will be his best man. That’s you, the guy who thought it was okay to kiss me a week before my wedding. The guy who is forcing me to lie to my fiancé. And if you really want to help me then just keep a wide berth and keep your mouth shut.” (Side-Note: Holy crap! I get that you’re freaking the eff out right now Emma, but I’ve just got to say it: you didn’t look that upset the second after Finn’s lips touched your last week. And no one can blame you, have you seen that tall glass of sexy?)

Will obliviously enters the room and whisks Finn away to glee club practice, leaving Emma alone and shaking like a tiny Chihuahua. Will announces to the New Directions that he’d like them to be the entertainment at the reception and asks Finn to sing for him, in lieu of giving his best man speech. (Side-Note: That’s great that you want your students to perform, but come on Will — open up that wallet and pay for a deejay. Let the kids enjoy your wedding.)

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Jarley is walking down the hall and Marley is looking like she’s about to pee her panties with excitement. She presents Jake with an early Valentine’s Day gift — a pair of homemade and totally awesome typewriter button cufflinks — and scampers off to class with a spring in her step and a smile on her face. Ryder realizes that Jake needs some help coming up with the perfect gift for his girl, and promises to help his best bro give Marley the best Valentine’s week ever. (Side-Note: Um, hi Ryder. Here’s my heart. I just really really want you to have it. Mmkay thanks bye.)

An hour late and one spray tan later, Rachel meets Finn in the auditorium to help him find the perfect best man song. (Side-Note: No Rachel, you’re doing it wrong! Getting sprayed with cold orange, goo is not a way to spend your afternoon. Singing with your hot ex-boyfriend is how you should be spending your time. Sigh. When will you learn?)

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To calm Finn’s worries, Rachel suggests that they perform a duet at the reception. Finn unleashes a devilish smile and says, “I think the real issue here is whether or not you can handle singing with me, we do have some pretty intense musical chemistry.” Rachel then admits that Finn looks really cute, bites her bottom lip, and says that she’ll pick out a song. (Side-Note: Don’t try and hide it Rachel, we all know what you’re thinking…)

Over in Mr. Schue’s history class (Side-Note: Did anyone else forget that he stopped teaching Spanish?) Ryder is looking particularly squirmish. Jake then enters the room in a bright red, ruffly tux, and announces that he is there to sing Marley one of her favorite songs. The music starts, the other boys arrive in their matching suits, and Jake then serenades Marley with a lovely rendition of “You’re All I Need To Get By.” (Side-Note: The way Jake kisses Marley on the cheek is seriously swoon-worthy. And to all of you Glee-bees who are wondering: Yes, Jacob Artist is just as sweet and adorable in person — if not more so.)

NEXT: Cold Feet and Wedding Day Craziness!

Glee Wedding Klaine

Wedding Day Craziness: It’s the day of the wedding! While we are waiting for the ceremony to start we see a quick yet sweet Brittana wave/smile, and Santana then launches into one of her world famous rants about how much Valentine’s Day sucks. Quinn then sparks into some complaining of her own. “You know what I hate? Men. Every single one of them is a pig except for maybe Mr. Schue and Al Roker. And you know what, you were right, I do let men define me, but not anymore.” (Side-Note: Woo hoo! You go Quinn! Question: where did you get your jacket because it needs to be in my closet ASAP.)

Artie meets Betty, Emma’s niece and fellow wheel-chair bound babe. However, unlike Artie — aka the sweetest thing on the planet since cherry pie — Betty is rude, condescending and conceited. “I’m blonde, captain of the cheerleaders at my high school and I’ve got this going on,” Betty quips while grabbing her tatas. (Side-Note: Way to keep it classy, Betty.)

Meanwhile Klaine is making out in the backseat of a Prius. (Side-Note: GAAAAHHH! I’m so excited right now! I just ran around my apartment and did a happy dance complete with booty shaking and 2-3 shimmys. I love these two so much it hurts!) Just as things are getting hot and heavy, Kurt asks, “Wait this doesn’t mean that we’re back together right?” To which Blaine replies, “This is just bros helping bros.” (Side-Note: Label it whatever you want, but I’m calling it euphoria.) Mercedes then interrupts the back-seat sexytimes and says that she needs her “arm gays” to escort her into the wedding. (Side-Note: No! *stomps my feet like a two-year-old* Go away Mercedes! They’re busy!)

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Over in her dressing room Emma is officially 100 percent freaking out. And to make matters worse, Sue enters the room wearing an exact replica of Emma’s wedding dress. Emma looks like she’s about to pass out and says, “Sue I feel really scared, I feel really overwhelmed, I feel like I can’t think and I’m really worried that this isn’t going to work.”

Sue is absolutely no help and only reaffirms Emma’s fears that the wedding is a bad idea. (Side-Note: Someone needs to give Emma a Xanax, a shot of tequila and, a slap across the face right now. On the other hand, Jayma Mays’ acting is once again flawless, I literally feel anxious and sick to my stomach right now because her she is so damn convincing. Kudos to you, pretty ginger.)

Will and Emma then launch into one of the strangest yet amazing songs Glee has ever done, “Getting Married Today.” Emma is talking a mile a minute, but here’s the only line you need to hear: “But I thank you all for the gifts and the flowers. Thank you all, now it’s back to the showers. Don’t tell Will but I’m not getting married today.” Emma runs out of the back door or the church in a panic, flags down a cab, and breaks down hysterically crying in the backseat of her getaway vehicle. (Side-Note: That was the most stressful two minutes of TV I have ever seen. Ever. Give Jayma Mays all of the awards from now until eternity because that was pulse-quickening perfection.)

Becky is pelting the crowd with rose petals as she stomps down the aisle, and the music quickly halts when the door opens and Sue begins to walk to the alter. (Side-Note: When Brittany snapped a pic and mouthed, “You look so good!” to Sue, I pretty much died from laughter. I know that this is supposed to be a somber moment, but goodness gracious that cheerio can still deliver the best one-liners. Ever.) Will looks dumbfounded and Sue then utters four heartbreaking words, “Emma’s left the building.”

Finn is trying to fish information out of Will as to why Emma would take off. Will, looking like he is three seconds from sobbing, just says, “She didn’t have to tell me anything. I left her with all this stress and planning. She was losing it, and I kept telling her that it was her usual obsessiveness.” Santana then enters the church asking about the plan for the reception, and Will encourages the group to still have the party. “Just because I ruined my Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean I have to ruin all of yours too.”

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At the reception, Bram is awkwardly dancing together, so Santana and Quinn quickly leave the dance floor and head to the bar with their fake IDs for a glass of wine and a quick venting sesh. Santana tells her friend, “You know, we always were two ends of the same bitch goddess spectrum, maybe that’s why we love each other so much and slap each other." And Quinn then compliments Santana on how good she looks in her dress. (Side-Note: Ummm, okay. This is strange.)

Ryder and Jake are sitting at the reception, and the Glee writers are slowly but surely flipping the switch. Jake says that Marley has “Puckerman fever” and he only needs one more romantic gesture to make it fatal. Ryder looks distraught and says, “Do you think that maybe one of these gifts should be your idea?” (Side-Note: That’s funny Ryder. You’re the one who hijacked Jarley’s Valentine’s Week so you could inadvertently show Marley how much you love her. You told Jake that his ideas were dumb and that you had “a bunch” for your friend. So, do me a favor and stop trying to make Jake look bad right now.)

Ryder then hands Jake a heart pendent that he bought at the mall and Jake responds with, “You are my hero! I am so getting laid tonight." (Side-Note: Thank you Glee writers for taking a super sweet character and trying to squash it into the ground. I get that you want to create a love triangle, but can you try to be a bit more subtle?)

Kurt and Blaine hit the stage and we get to see an awesome ’80s inspired performance of “Just Can’t Get Enough.” (Side-Note: Yes! I haven’t been this excited since “Silly Love Songs.” Their chemistry on stage is absolutely electric, and for a second I totally forgot that they ever broke up.) Tina is once again acting ridiculously possessive over Blaine and practically hurdling daggers at Kurt with her eyes.

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After the song, Tina stomps over to Kurt and unleashes her inner crazy, going on a rant about NYADA, Vogue.com, cheating, and wanting to be loved back. (Side-Note: Oh my gosh Tina, go away! Go find Mike. He’s there randomly dancing in the background, not saying anything. Go make it so it’s not a complete and total waste that Glee asked him to come back for this.) Kurt then calls Tina out. “Okay Tina, I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here. You’re a hag, you’re hagged out, you’re in love with Blaine and it’s creepy!” (Side-Note: Kurt is just killing it this year! And the fact that he said that Tina vapo-raped his ex-boyfriend makes me love him even more.)

Rachel approaches Finn and reassures him that what happened that day was not his fault, “I’ve seen every runaway bride movie that there is, and I know that when the bride runs away, it’s never because of a random kiss. It’s because she knew deep down inside that it wasn’t right.” The two then exchange some mischievous smiles and get up to dance with the rest of the New Directions.

On the dance floor, Artie approaches Betty and says that he knows that she puts on this mean girl façade to hide the fact that she’s upset about being in a wheelchair, but yet he’s still oddly compelled by her. He convincers her to share one dance and they burn rubber out on the dance floor.

NEXT: Lots and Lots of Sex and The Episode’s Best Moments

glee wedding quinn santana

Post-Wedding Craziness: Even though there is no bride, Sue announces that time has come to toss the bouquet, she and invites all the single ladies to gather round. The crowd of eager females includes, Quinn, Santana, Sam, Rachel, Tina, and a bunch of random extras who are overly excited to be there. The bouquet soars through the air and magically lands in Rachel’s arms, and Finns looks at her with the cutest smile on his face.

Finn catches Rachel on her way out of the restroom and notes that typically it’s only the single girls who line up to catch the bouquet. Rachel quickly assures him, “I am single,” and then explains that she and Brody had a “mature conversation” and decided not to put any labels on anything. (Side-Note: Listen up little ladies! When a guy doesn’t want to give your relationship a label, it means he wants to keep you around, but still be able to flirt with other girls. If this ever happens, tell that loser tootles and move on!)

Throughout their heartfelt and sexually charged conversation, Finn is slowly and nonchalantly plucking the petals off a white daisy, (“She loves me… she loves me not…”) and giving a brilliant metaphor about how the Finchel relationship is like a flower. Right now it’s just currently going through Winter. (Side-Note: Oh. My. God. This is just too good I can’t handle it. I have all these warm feelings swimming around in my stomach right now, and the way that Finn is subtly plucking off those petals makes my heart beat faster and faster.)

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Finn shows that he knows Rachel better than anyone else on the planet, and calls her out on her NYC Sex and the City-wannabe behavior: “I think that you’re lying to yourself, and I think the real reason that you can’t commit to Brody is because you’re still in love with someone else. You and I both know how this thing ends. I don’t care how or when, and I don’t care where you’re living or what dope you’re shacked up with. You’re my girlfriend.” (Side-Note: Finn Hudson: Out-shining all other men on TV since 2009.)

Finn then wraps up the world’s greatest love speech with this gem of a line: “We are endgame. I know that, and you know that.” (Side-Note: And so do the thousands of Twitter fans who devote each and every Friday to promoting their Finchel love. Sorry, just felt that that needed to be mentioned at some point. Love you guys!) Rachel says they need to go sing their duet and she snatches the last petal from the steam, which just so happened to land on “She loves me.”

Finn and Rachel sing a flawless version of “We’ve Got Tonight,” and all of the night’s couples — Jarley, Klaine, Quintana, Artie/Betty and Finchel — head upstairs to their respective hotel rooms.

So here’s how it all went down: Blaine is all smiles after their bedroom sesh, and it’s obvious that Kurt is trying to play it cool and brush their night off as no big deal. No worries, Blaine is not discouraged, and he knows that it’s only a matter of time before he and Kurt and perfectly placed back together. (Side-Note: Later hipster wannabe Adam!)

Quinn and Santana hooked up, and even though Quinn admits that it was a fun time, she’s not planning on switching sides for good. (Side-Note: I don’t like this. It feels unnatural and like a cheap, last minute tool to raise eyebrows and shock audiences.) Artie and Betty shared what seemed to be their first time together, and over in the Jarley room, absolutely nothing happened. It’s clear that Marley wasn’t ready, but Jake sweetly understood, kissed her hand and invited her downstairs for another dance.

Finn and Rachel made love, but rather than spending the night together, Rachel slipped out of the room with her bouquet in hand while her beau was still sleeping. (Side-Note: Finchel hooked up. On Valentine’s Day. All is right in the world.)

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Rachel is suddenly back in an overly-decorated heart-covered loft, and Brody not-so-subtly mentions that it took him “two whole days” to make this for her. (Side-Note: Bite me Brody. You taped some paper hearts on the wall and bought some flowers. Whoop-di-doo! If you ask me it looks like your trying to make up for the fact that you’re guilty of something. Hmmm?) Rachel and Brody begin kissing, but he stops her and asks if she kissed anyone else while she was gone. “You’re kissing differently.” (Side-Note: First of all that whole “kissing differently” thing is not real. And secondly, why yes Brody if you must know, Rachel was kissing her one true love. Sheesh.)

Brody makes it a point to tell Rachel that their whole “modern relationship” only works is they are completely honest with each other. Rachel kind of evades the answer but still lets Brody know that she and Finn hooked up. She then asks about Brody’s lonely Valentine’s Day and he reveals, “I stayed at home and watched weight-lifting videos.” (Side-Note: I totally called it! I told you all he was a tool. It’s beyond obviously that he is lying, but only a true douche would mask his indiscretions with an excuse that is so barf-worthy.)

We then see what Brody was really up to: He leaves a hotel room with his shirt half unbuttoned, carrying a massive wade of money in his hands and looking quite pleased with himself. (Side-Note: Ladies and Gleeks, it’s official: Brody is a hoe fo’ sho.)

Over in the halls of McKinley, Tina is apologizing to Kurt for attacking him like an obnoxious yappy dog at the reception. “I saw you up there singing with Blaine, and I saw the old legendary chemistry. I saw two soul mates rediscovering each other and I was jealous.” (Side-Note: Finally, the world’s most creepy crush is broken!)

Marley then approaches Ryder, and admits that the knew that her whole week of love was his idea, not Jake’s. She smiles, “Whenever you do that for someone for real, she’s going to be the luckiest girl on the planet.” Ryder responds, “It was for real,” and before Marley realizes what’s about to happen, Ryder steals a sweet kiss. (Side-Note: Dammit. I’m so confused. Who do I ship? Sigh. #Gleegirlproblems)

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The Final Five: In the teacher’s lounge, Mr. Schue is moping around, and a super-cutely dressed Finn launches into an inspirational speech about never giving up. “Somewhere out there, there’s a Miss Pillsbury running around who should already be a Mrs. Schuester.” Will is newly invigorated and he thanks Finn for being such an amazing best man/friend.

Artie’s new lady love Betty rolls through the halls and the two make plans for Saturday night, “When you’re rolling with Artie Abrams, anything can happen,” he brags. And just like that the final song of the night, Ellie Goulding’s “Anything Can Happen,” begins to play and the glee club dances around the auditorium stage.

Cut to NYC, and we see that Rachel is sitting in bed next to a sleeping Brody flipping through her planner with a terrified look on her face. She grabs a pregnancy test, waits the agonizing two minutes, and looks at the results. (Side-Note: Ugh! Rachel is preggers y’all, and if that nasty little sperm came from Brody’s grody male-escort penis then I’m going to fly to New York, find the guy who looks most similar to him, and unleash a world of crazy on some poor unsuspecting bystander. See you all back here in three weeks! Xoxo!)

Most Heartwarming Moment: Seeing Finn pluck those petals while Telling Rachel that no matter what, they are endgame.

Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Emma’s hysterical breakdown in the back of the taxi as she drives away from the church.

Quotables:

“All of you Glee kids have dated so incestuously that I can’t even remember who can tolerate who anymore.” —Emma

“I am so over this and it hasn’t even started yet. I’m clearly the hottest bitch in this lousy joint but I’m all alone, stuck here sitting with you.” —Santana to Quinn

“Well of course it isn’t going to work. You’re a weird bird-lady with a hallow pelvis and a OCD. And Will Schuester is a weepy man-child who’s greatest joy in life is singing with children and his best friend is 19.” —Sue to Emma

“Relationships are a lot like flowers. If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight. Bam. Perfect bud.” —Finn to Rachel

“We are endgame, I know that and you know that.” —Finn to Rachel

What did you think of this week’s episode of Glee? How are you feeling about Finchel? Klaine? Quintana? Wemma? That fact that Rachel could be pregnant?! Sing all your thoughts in the comments below!

Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera

[Photo Credit: FOX]


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