There are several reasons I hate writing about the Real Housewives reunion specials. First of all, nothing happens. Well, things happen – apologies are made, hatchets are buried and then dug up again to plunge into someone else's back, Andy Cohen gets pushed by a raging Italian lunatic. Things happen, but it's all just them sitting there. There is so little to say. Also, there is so much screaming, so much nattering about who wrote what on who's blog and who Twittered what about someone's Facebook. I don't care about any of that. And none of these ladies have any proof about their allegations. We just want to know who won.
And we know that the second half of the RHOBH reunion is going to be boring. How? Well, it's only two parts, which is a death knell in these three-hour days. And there haven't been any exciting promos promising us that Andy Cohen is going to be attacked (by a human, bird, or other organism) so you know it's going to be tamer than Gretchen Rossi's hair after a Brazilian Blowout.
So, yeah. Who won this season? Who gets to say that they are the champion? Well, here is my ranking of the women in order of who came out on top. The truth is, well, we all lose a little bit.
Yolanda Bananas Foster: I am as shocked as you are, but YBF won this season. How? It was a combination of a clear vision, a no-nonsense attitude, and an ability to hold people to account for what they said and did while still managing to seem like a sane, rational human being, something that is in short supply among these lizard creatures. Yes, she didn't spend a lot of time interacting with the women. Yes, her husband, noted clacking skeleton and woman bedder David Foster Wallace, is right up there on The Worst spectrum with Faye Resnick and malignant melanomas. But she came from behind at the end of the season and stood up to the whole rabid pack of hyenas at Adrienne's vodka party and then stood toe to toe with human foot fungas discoloration Faye Resnick at Lisa's housewarming. She's acquitted herself nicely at the reunion and will be a splendid addition to the cast. And did you see her fridge?
Brandi Glanville: This isn't so much a second place as it's a tie with YBF. I'm not quite sure how Brandi stays on top of the fray while being on the bottom of the dogpile for most of the season. I guess it's her authenticity, which shines like one of the stripper poles she rode down to everyone's delight. Yes, she handled some situations very wrong, but most of the animosity leveled at her because of her square-off with Adrienne was for her telling the truth. Everyone loves the truth (espeically when it's juicy). Then Brandi was chased by an awful rich woman and her screaming accomplices, which definitley got her some sympathy. She also formed some strong bonds on the show and was loyal to her friends. Even the Sisters Richards say they like her now, so that's headway. I think the thing that works best for Brandi though is that she's always playing defense. My father once told me the best offense is a good defense, and I had no idea what he was talking about until I watched this show.
Lisa Vanderpump: Lisa's fight with Kyle was totally bogus and as dry as a piece of chewing gum stuck to the bottom of a table three days ago, but it was her refreshingly honest friendship with Brandi that carried the season. She was both sister and mother to our favorite blonde, standing by her side when the evil munitions marched against her, but then scolding her in private for her temper and crass language. They are quite the perfect balance. But better than anything, the two have a sense of humor with each other, something that all the other women seem to be lacking.
Kim Richards: It may look like she's in the middle of the pack, but she really made a big stride forward this year. Her storyline wasn't, "God, how messed up is Kim?" it was, "God, when is Kim gonna get messed up?" which is step in the right direction. She didn't attend every event, but she interacted more with everyone and played a central role in some of the bigger conflicts. But still, watching Kim is like staring at an open wound and marveling at how slowly the healing process takes. She and Kyle have a relationship as frayed as a rope cut with a spoon and she is so far from being whole that, well, maybe she shouldn't be on TV. If only I could stop watching her and thinking about her and formulating sad scenarios to test her will in my imagination. But she got her catch phrase, "I love turtles," and mixed some creepy chicken salad, so yay! Kim, for all her sad eccentricities, is joining the world of the living.
Kyle Richards: Kyle's biggest sin this season was picking the wrong side. Well, actually it was not picking a side at all. When the lines were drawn between Team Brandi and Team Maloof, she said she wasn't taking a side, but kept talking for Adrienne since she wasn't there to defend herself. So she didn't want to take a side, but then she took the wrong side. That and her whining that Kim just wouldn't get better the very second she left rehab didn't do her any favors. And remember, Kyle, no one likes someone who won't make a decision. That's why we all hate bisexuals.
The Widow Armstrong: If she wasn't present at the Dana/Pam drunken lunch that appeared from heaven like a GIF gift from the reality TV gods, then she would have been completely worthless all season.
Adrienne Maloof: Oh boy did Adrienne, the Queen of the Maloofs (a race of mole people that live under the mountain) lose this season. She lost it spectacularly and in so many ways. First of all she went on the attack against Brandi, a fan favorite, which is never a good idea. Secondly, she proved to be the worst kind of rich person by using her money and her lawyers to intimidate Brandi. Then she lied about it and got caught in her lies but still wouldn't confess. There was all that drama about leaking stories to the press and all the hemming and hawing about her "secret" which wasn't very secretive at all an which no one really cared about. Let's not forget her disappearing act where the other women had to defend her or that she left brown self tanner stains on Lisa's couch and then didn't apologize for it (which is perhaps the greatest . She threw a horrible vodka party, she tarnished Brandi's name, and then she showed up at Lisa's party the day she got served her divorce papers and got mad at Lisa for not coming over the comfort her. It was wrong. It was all wrong.
But then the worst of all, as Andy Cohen pointed out last week, she opted not to come to the reunion. This shouldn't have been a reunion, this should have been a tribunal where this monster was made to answer for her war crimes. She should have been forced to tell the truth and give us some satisfaction, but she never would have given us the former and robbed us of the latter. This is how we will remember Adrienne, as conniving, cowardly, abusive, and just dead wrong. She loses, now and forever.
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[Photo Credit: Bravo]