Last week on Nashville, we got everything we ever wanted: Rayna and Deacon finally passed the PG-13 line, Teddy dropped Peggy from his life, Juliette was finally the one to get played when Dante robbed her and fled the state, and everyone celebrated Luke from The O.C.s coming out party. It was a grand time and one that I was nervous couldn't be topped. Luckily, that was just the beginning and the drama is only starting to heat up now. There may even be a secret sex tape!
The Rayna and Deacon Story
Well, it's finally happening. The bronzed lovers fight through morning breath and continue to fool around in the early morning, wiping perfectly bouncy strands of hair out of each other's sparking eyes. It's magic. Rayna tells him how happy she is and how she wants to stay in bed with his scruff all day. Deacon tells her how he wishes they could have started doing this years ago and also that her metallic eye shadow is hypnotizing. Reality interrupts their fairy tale when Rayna gets a call that she's been nominated for a CMA, in the same category at Juliette. Oh joy.
When Rayna leaves the happy bed, it's easy to think that the hookup is going to be a fling, but it's not. Rayna wants this and she wants it bad; there's just one problem: She's been sworn to never, ever, ever tell Deacon that HE IS MADDIE'S FATHER! That's right, Deacon is the real father, but the day that Maddie was born Rayna made a pact with Teddy to never reveal the truth. How f****ed up is that? Like this whole time Maddie will never know her real father? Who is actually the better and hotter man? Rayna knows she can't keep this a secret forever though, and for the sake of ratings we know it, too.
This does, however, complicate matters. As much as she wants to pretend like everything is perfect with Deacon, he knows her too well and senses her backing away from him. He's about to give up like all the times before, but then he remembers how perfect the spray tan came out on her freckled skin and how shockingly clean her hair was after a night of boning. No, he can't give that up. No way. He runs into Rayna's car and tell her that it's all or nothing, secrets or no secrets. The two play some music together on his crappy couch and stare into each other's eyes like freaks. It's starting to feel like the old times. And just when things seemed perfect, Deacon tells her that by this time, they could have already had a family of their own. If he only knew.
The Deacon and Vet Lady Story
This was just priceless. So, when Deacon comes back home after his morning romp with Rayna he seems The Vet putting dishes away in his sink. That's right! Remember when he gave her his keys! Like an IDIOT! So, he's all like "you really shouldn't have come over" and she's all like "I feel bad" and he's like "no, really, just don't let yourself in. Like ever. Also, please put my dish down." It's actually pretty messed up because he did lie to The Vet, even though we don't care about her or like her really and knew she had an expiration date. She suspected that Deacon still had feelings for Rayna and she was right. And then, Deacon's just like, "yeah why don't you take the dog, too." And so in the end it's like, Deacon is a typical jerk who never even cared about his dog. Do we really still love him?
The Teddy Story
Ugh, Teddy is such a wimp. He can't handle politics, he can't handle his daughters, he can't handle anything except a phenomenal shave. He's all worried about his daughter who hates him finding out that he's not her real dad so he insists on taking her to her school's father-daughter dance. She doesn't want to go because she wants nothing to do with his cheating ass and also because that is the lamest thing ever. But, her mom says it would be nice and so she changes her mind. While waiting for her to finish getting dressed, Teddy has a conversation with Rayna about her new "thing" with Deacon and starts sweating at the thought of her spilling the secret. He makes some threatening comments, none of which can ever be taken seriously through his dimples, and huffs out with Maddie. He is 12.
The Gunnar and Luke From The O.C. Story
Gunnar is really twisted. Like, way more dark than we thought. We know he had some sort of criminal past with his brother, but I tried to pretend it didn't exist. Well, there's no pretending anymore. Not only is he pissed (maybe a little too pissed?) that Luke From The O.C. kissed him, but he's decided he is going to change his image and become "Country Bad Boy." It's actually not such a bad idea, except that he's not a bad boy. He is the boy who giggles and walks around in his underwear and combs his hair 100 times every morning while looking in the mirror and perfecting his sexual squint. He is being a total jerk to Luke though. He won't even look at him! His annoyance is so apparent that Scarlett is actually concerned about their bromance. She fears it's all over and she is right. No more drinking beers in cowboy hats and skipping from dive bar to dive bar playing music and laughing about their silly inside jokes. RIP.
So, Gunnar decides to steal his dead brother's song lyrics and brings them to a recording studio. He thinks he's getting away with it, but Scarlett snoops into his notebook like the annoying fairy she is and finds out the truth. She pouts in white cable knit until he literally can't handle it anymore and leaves the room. Meanwhile, Luke is being awesome. He's just frolicking and schmoozing at parties and generally being lovable. He needs to stay forever.
The Juliette Story
Juliette is so distraught over Dante leaving her that she turns to alcohol. First it's several glasses of mimosas and then jugs of straight-up vodka. Her mom tries to be like "dude chill with the booze" but Juliette tells her to mind her own business, that she's the one with the problem. And then, in her drunken state, Juliette naturally starts making poor decisions. First, it's spending nearly $1M on bizarre bobble heads that are supposed to look like her to send out to the CMA voters. Then, it's letting Deacon walk out on her and the tour forever. And finally, molesting Avery after she lets him play guitar on stage with her. This girl is a mess. She ends her sloppy night crying to her mom when suddenly her phone rings. It's Dante. All we know is something something something WHAT TAPE?
The Avery Story
He got to play his cute guitar for a real crowd! Things are looking up for our pitiful stringy-haired pal. Let's all say a prayer for Avery today.
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