Just in case you can’t already tell from my sweet headline, I’m not very happy right now. Why? Oh, let’s see. I just watched Glee’s Season 4 finale and I’ve realized two very important things: Glee stole all my positive sparkle and shine, and this year has been a complete and total waste of our time. Read on for all the details from “All or Nothing” — or as I like to call it: The most uneventful finale in the history of television.
So Here’s What You Missed On Glee
Beauty and Brains: The episode opened with Brittany sitting in front of two very cliché and stodgy-looking MIT professors. They were a bit skeptical about Britt Britt’s near-perfect SAT scores so they asked her to take a math test. True to loveable Brittany’s quirks, she filled out the scantron test in crayon, broke the machines and got a zero. (Side Note: I’m thrilled to finally get some uninterrupted Brittany time, but I know that nothing good can come of this visit. Also I really wish that they had asked Bill Nye The Science Guy to be one of the MIT professors — that would’ve made my year!)
Brittany also used those crayons to write out a collage of colored numbers explaining, “I had all these numbers swirling around in my head so I decided to write them all down so my brain would stop feeling so tickly.” Basically those numbers somehow turned out to be the greatest scientific discovery since Albert Einstein and the smarty-pants at MIT offered Brittany a very unusual and vague proposition. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore Brittany, but am I really supposed to be buying this? It’s like the writers are trying to make up for the fact that they flunked Brittany out of graduating last year and now they’re trying to go in the complete opposite direction and kick her out of McKinley before she’s ready!
Glee club practice was about to start and for some reason Will was counting the heads of all the students to make sure that everyone was there. (Side Note: Really Will? You’ve been working with some of these kids for four years now and your club is teeny tiny. You really need to count them all? The only thing making me happy right now is the fact that Sugar walked into the room looking oh-so fabulous in that gold skirt. I’ve missed you, girl!)
Brittany entered the choir room and it was honestly one of the most awkward things ever. First she put down Marley’s song by saying that “My Cup” is much better, and then she demanded to have all the solos, insulted everyone in the group and broke up with Sam via text, even though they were in the same room. (Side Note: Though it’s true that “My Cup” is the best song ever, it feels like the writers are trying to force as many Brittany memories into one episode to make up for the fact that she’s leaving. Also bitchy Brittany is not a good color on her and it makes me sad.)
Brittany stormed out of the room saying that if she didn’t get all the solos then it’s all or nothing with her. Over in Coach Roz’s office, Brittany nailed up 95 reasons — all written in crayon bee tee dubs — as to why she was quitting the Cheerios. She also soaked her Cheerios uniform in lighter fluid and then set it ablaze in the middle of the room. (Side Note: Oh okay, I see that since Roz is still the coach of the Cheerios that Glee is once again ignoring the truth behind the school shooting. If you really expect us to still care about that storyline when the show returns in the fall then you are all kinds of crazy. You should've wrapped it up now while we all still sort of gave a hoot.)
Put A Ring On It: Blaine was still determined to ask for Kurt’s hand in marriage and he told Sam that not only did he want his support, but he wanted Sam to be his best man. (Side Note: I hate this. I love Klaine, but I hate this. Blaine is acting like a crazy person and rather than trying to slowly ease back into a relationship with Kurt, he’s trying to cannonball his way into a forever commitment.) Over in the jewelry store Tina was acting all kinds of crazy as she picked out the engagement ring that she’d like Blaine to get her. (Side Note: Shush Tina!)
Sam entered the store to give Blaine his blessing and help him pick out the ring, but Blaine met a new friend who understands what he’s going through better than anyone else. The jewelry clerk has been with her girlfriend since she was 18 years old and she offered to guide Blaine in this engagement because she knows how difficult it can be for a young gay couple. (Side Note: I’m just at a loss for what to say right now. This feels forced and awkward and it makes my heart sad because I can’t go through another breakup again. I just cant. Why can’t you guys just keep making out in the back of cars like you did in the Valentine’s Day episode? Sigh.)
Over in Breadstix, Blaine and Kurt were on a double date with the jewelry clerk and her long-time lady love. We heard a sweet yet utterly pointless tale about how the two women fell in love, one woman proposed to the other and all this was going on while Kurt and Blaine didn’t even speak with each other. (Side Note: I just can’t right now. When Kurt brushed off their compliments by saying, “Oh we’re not a couple,” I felt like my heart was being stomped on by a stripper's high heel. Why are they doing this? Stop toying with the Klaine fandom! It's not nice.)
NEXT: Would The Real Slim “Katie” Please Stand Up?!
Would The Real Slim “Katie” Please Stand Up? Over in glee club practice, Ryder had enough and he needed to know the truth about who “Katie” was and he needed to know it now. After kicking, screaming, and demanding to know the truth, Marley finally cracked and said that she was the catfish. Jake quickly came to her defense saying that it was a joke that went a little too far and a horrified and betrayed Ryder left the room. (Side Note: I think it would’ve been SO much more interesting if the catfish had actually been Jake to get back at Ryder for kissing Marley. Unfortunately it’s neither Marley nor Jake and the real catfish has no spine and let the others take the fall.)
Marley was trying to convince Ryder to compete with them in Regionals but he was still furious with her and demanded to know why she was lying to him. Unique then came around the corner and revealed that Marley was actually just covering for her and that she was the true Catfish. (Side Note: Well duh. I was still hoping that Glee would throw us a curve ball and have it actually be Kitty or a prank gone wrong from Jake, but no — it was predictable Unique.)
Unique told Ryder, “I know you’re probably going to punch me in the face but the truth is I reached out to you because I liked you, so I got a picture of a cute blonde to make me like you back.” Ryder said that he was not going to punch her in the face but he was also not going to talk to her ever again. (Side Note: If the Catfish had actually been Kitty or Tina or some other cute girl, do you think that Ryder would’ve responded this way? Yeah… me neither.)
The Itty Bitty NYC Part: Will told the glee club to send Rachel some positive vibes all the way from Lima to NYC because Rachel was about to have her final callback for Funny Girl. Over in New York, Rachel was waiting patiently and then walked into the audition with her head held high and a silent confidence that we all know and love. She said a variation of her famous line, (“Hi I’m Rachel Berry and I’ll be auditioning for the role of Fanny Brice today.”) and then she broke into a beautiful rendition of Celine Dion’s “To Love You More.”
Rachel had tears in her eyes when the song ended and they told her, “Thank you Rachel. We’ll let you know.”(Side Note: Wait… really? That’s it?! I totally understand that Cory Monteith was in rehab at this time but I was least hoping for a good luck text from Finn or some sweet Finchel flashbacks as she belts out this incredibly romantic song. And then, Finchel stuff aside, are you seriously trying to tell me that the star of this show, the girl who started it all, only gets three minutes of screen time in your finale? This is unacceptable. How many times do we have to scream out that the NYC storylines are the only one’s we’ve been looking forward to? Okay, mini rant over.)
Back to Brittany: Will and Coach Sue were waiting for Brittany but she not-so-politely refused and said that she would only talk with her teachers in one place: Fondue For Two! After asking a series of inappropriate questions and filing the time up with nonsense, Brittany revealed that Sue’s baby daddy was Michael Bolton. (Side Note: Damn! I was really hoping it was going to be Bryan Ryan so we could have Neil Patrick Harris back on the show!) Basically the two teachers didn’t actually figure out what’s wrong with Brittany and were conned into coming on to the web show.
We finally got a glimpse of the glorious Santana when Sam called her up and told her that Brittany was acting strange. After clarifying that it wasn't Britney 3.0 week, Sam asked Santana to come and help figure out what was wrong with Brittany. “Look I know I’m not your favorite person but you know that I’d help you if you ever asked me to. Something is wrong I’m asking you for help. (Side Note: Remember when they dated? Ahh good times Trouty-Mouth, good times.)
In a matter of minutes, Santana was sitting with Brittany on Fondue For Two. (Side Note: Who else squealed with delight when “Brittana Is Real” scrolled across the screen?) Santana turned off the camera and confronted her former lady lover saying, “Brittany stop it. Seriously, what the hell is going on with you? You’re acting like a completely different person and it’s making me sad.” Brittany took a deep breath and was about to tell the truth but then all of a sudden the screen cut to black and it was time for regionals.
NEXT: Regionals and A Surprise Wedding!
One Last Performance: It was time for Regionals and Frida Romero (American Idol’s Jessica Sanchez) led the Hooiser Daddies in two heart-pumping, hip-shaking, perfectly choreographed numbers and just as the New Directions feared, she had a hugely wonderful voice. (Side Note: In fact she’s too good. That was amazing and without Rachel, Mercedes and Santana, this group doesn’t stand a chance. Sorry, but you all know that it’s true.) Backstage, Ryder decided to show up and compete with the New Directions, but he also revealed that after Regionals he was officially leaving glee club. Brittany also showed up saying that she’s willing to compete, but there’s something that she needed to tell everyone.
With tears in her eyes, Brittany told the group that she has been offered early admission to MIT. “I never thought that I would graduate high school let along go to college so I have to jump on this offer before it gets taken away. They want me to leave immediately, that’s why I had that meltdown.” (Side Note: Wait, so they want you to leave school without earning your high school diploma?) Brittany said a sweet and odd goodbye to each member of the glee club, told Sam that she loves him and didn’t really say anything at all to Santana. (Side Note: I know that Santana said, “You don’t have to say anything Brittany,” but goodness gracious I really wish that she had! After all of that, all the Brittana fandom gets is a hug? One little hug? This sucks.)
The New Directions took the stage in a pretty shade of purple and sang three songs: "Hall of Fame," "I Love It," and "All or Nothing." (Side Note: Meh. That’s how I feel about this Regionals performance. It was just meh. The all-girls dance in “I Love It” was the best part but ultimately it was subpar of the Troubletones greatness. Oh and I think I dozed off in “All or Nothing.” Lastly, where on earth is Finn?! I’m appalled and pretty pissed that they didn’t bother to explain his absence. After all that trouble to get him back in time for a Regionals victory and you don't even give us the satisfaction of, 'Oh gosh! Finn's sick.' or something quick and easy? Anything at all would've been better than shoving it aside.)
The Final Five: Somehow the New Directions snatched the first place away from the flawlessness of American Idol’s Sanchez and they celebrated by jumping up and down while sparklers burst in the background. (Side Note: I don’t care that they won, and that makes me feel bad. I feel like I’m a bad gleek, but I just really don’t care anymore. They've snatched away my positivity.) Brittany was the last one to leave the auditorium when Santana walked over, grabbed her hand and led her offstage.
Back in the choir room, Will and Emma surprised the group with a spontaneously sweet post-victory wedding and it honestly could not have been more perfect. This wedding had everything — the world’s best flower girl (Thank you Sugar!), a flashback Wemma story, and the most heartfelt vows that we could’ve ever hoped for. (Side Note: Finally! This wedding is absolutely adorable and at least we’re getting some sort of closure in this final hour.)
As the two finally exchanged their “I Dos” and the Glee club cheered on with with excitement, the camera pulled back and we saw that Blaine had a little black box hidden behind his back and he was looking at Kurt with dreamy, I love you eyes. Then the camera kept pulling back and we realized in horror that this was the final scene. (Side Note: That wasn’t a finale. That was like promising someone a huge ice cream sundae and then only giving them the cherry on top.)
Most Heartwarming Moment: Watching Will and Emma exchange those sweet vows and realizing how far they have come as a couple.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Pretty much everything else in this episode. We have no idea where Finn is or if Rachel got the part in Funny Girl. We have to say goodbye to Brittany, one of the shining stars of the show, and Glee is forcing a engagement storyline that doesn’t make any sense. Oh and this entire season was basically a hot mess of breakups, shake-ups, random storylines and new characters that we hardly connected with.
”As fascinated as I am by your down-filled pillow soft lips that are ten-times too big for your face, I really miss my sweet sweet lady kisses. Sorry slash not sorry.” — Brittany
“I love him very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so I’m going to ask him to marry me.” — Blaine
“Welcome back to Fondue For Two. Tonight’s guests are two sworn enemies, who became friends, then became enemies again, then became friends again, then enemies and then everybody stopped caring.” —Brittany
“I’m sorry did hell just freeze over or did you just white chocolate butt dial me?” — Santana
”My entire life, people have always told me that I was stupid and after I while I started to believe them, but it wasn’t until I walked into this room and I joined this club that I really started believing in myself. And as soon as I did that, as soon as I started believing that maybe I was smart after all, I think the whole world did too.” — Brittany
“Whenever things in my head get all gooey and sticky and messy and I can’t get them out, you always come along and you make me feel clean and you make me feel whole again.” — Emma
What did you think of “All or Nothing”? Do you think that Season 4 was a let down? What are you hoping to see next year on Glee? Sing your thoughts in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera