Things took a turn for the dirty on Game of Thrones this week, did they not? I mean, we've always known that Game of Thrones was a dirty show — but look how that multi-faceted definition suits it so. After last week's foray into bears, maidens fair, and those that must put up with what they've been given, this week's episode focused on the doers of Westeros. The real go-getters who aren't afraid to play others in the name of playing the game. Namely: Dany, Stannis/Melisandre, and Tyrion. S**t got dirty — and I don't just mean because of the sex. Which got us thinking: this is a really, really dirty mother of a show. With all the sex, politics, and actual filth, living in the Realm means you're living in a time that showers forgot. So pay attention class, because we're trying something new.
What's So Dirty About: Arya’s hands?
We started out the episode with a grim look at the grungy talons Arya Stark calls fingernails. Well, I mean, did you see those claws? Is washing hands in Westeros a crime? Poor Arya has been snatched up by The Hound and while he sleeps, she contemplates his murder. Because of course she does! She's Arya! Arya loves death. It's her only god and seemingly the only thing she ever thinks about ever. To the point that she's forgotten to wash her hands. Hopefully when she gets to her destination with The Hound (The Twins a.k.a. the seat of House Frey) — The Hound declaring that they "might just make it there before the wedding [of Edmure Tully, a.k.a. the infamous Red Wedding]," which, lord I hope not! — someone teaches her the benefits of personal hygiene.
What's So Dirty About: Dany’s politics?
Well, Dany spent her time playing each and every man she encountered like a fiddle. Playing into the men's perception of feminine weakness, she attempted to ply the Second Brothers to fight for her side by pulling the comically meek "I’m just a little girl! routine. The Second Sons — a.k.a. your merry band of neighborhood bastards — well: I haven't quite figured them out yet. But!
What's So Dirty About: The Second Sons?
I mean, if their leader is any sort of indication, what isn't dirty about these dirty bastards (literally and figuratively)? They fancy crude salad toss jokes, the sniffing of vaginas, and the biting of prostitute asses. All of the sexual harassment belongs to them! Just don't lose your head about it, guys. Oh wait.
What's So Dirty About Dirty Deed: Melisandre’s religion?
As far as religious dieties go, it sort of seems like Melisandre's Lord of Light is one dirty motherf**ker. Melisandre uses her sex to tantalize poor Gendry into submission, only to tease some light bondage before taking a bunch of leeches to his body in order to kill Stannis' perceived usurpers Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, and Joffrey Baratheon. (You think there was a part of him that was still sort of hopeful she was going to let him put it in again after that?) Plus, casting spells with leeches just sounds like a guaranteed bacterial infection.
What's So Dirty About: Gendry's d**k leech?
Everything. Everything about poor Gendry's d**k leech is dirty, awful, terrible, and the worst. It's a blood-sucking parasitic animal placed on a penis in the name of religious fervor and power. Melisandre's cold, man. I don't even have a penis and I'm cringing in empathic horror.
Dirty Deed: The Cersei and Margaery Comedy Hour.
Minutes before the beginning of the world's most loveless marriage (well, except for maybe Cersei's impending nuptials), Margaery Tyrell bounds over to Queen B**chface aka Cersei and says, "We'll be sisters, you and I, we should be friends!" Which, GIRL. C'mon now. Are you new? Jon Snow might know nothing but you really haven't learned anything since you've been here, have you, Ms. Tyrell? Never try and pull one over on Cersei Lannister because she knows what bulls**t smells like. She's made an entire life of it. These two are in a dance of dual deception, but it's Cersei's curt and wonderful line "If you ever call me sister again I'll have you strangled in your sleep" that finally (we hope) told Margaery what's up. It's so deliciously dirty, these political and family dramas.
What's So Dirty About: Joffrey's delight?
Is there anything more awful than your ex-boyfriend bounding gleefully towards you on your wedding day, announcing that he, as the "father of the Realm" will give you away? And then try to humiliate your intended by exploiting his short stature? How about when he threatens that he's going to give you the wedding gift of honeymoon rape? Not that I needed to convince anyone, but everything Joffrey does is the worst.
What's So Dirty About: Tyrion?
Somebody's afraid to give into the wedded bliss! Ha ha just kidding, poor Tyrion. Married off in the most loveless of fashions, only to be made a fool of by your idiot king nephew and told to nut up or shut up by your dad. When he threatened Joffrey's manhood with a knife and the words "then you’ll be f**king your own bride with a wooden c**k," though, I think the entire viewing audience of Game of Thrones stood up and cheered. Tyrion's threat is dirty, but in the absolute best (and most deserved) cut-down (pun intended).
What's So Dirty About: Daario Naharis?
Well, his buddies didn't appreciate aesthetics as much as he did, so it was off with their heads — but not before bringing them as a gift to Daenerys. He's a regular ol' Queen of Hearts, isn't he? But seriously, though: giving up the members of your mercenary group with such aplomb after knowing a pretty blonde girl for all of 5 minutes? Daario plays dirty, y'all. "I'm the simplest man you'll ever meet ... My sword is yours, my life is yours, my heart is yours," he said at one point. And by sword you mean...what exactly? Just don't let him get his talons into you, Dany, or else I'm afraid this dude may be your downfall.
What's So Dirty About: The way Shae woke up poor hungover Tyrion?
It wasn't dirty, per se, but it was bitter and angry — only made better by the adorable way they both reacted to Tyrion's not having bedded Sansa. Aww, these two crazy kids. They're so in love! Which probably means Shae's days are super-numbered. Sigh. Also, Shae should teach a class on the proper ways to throw shade in any situation. I'd sign up.
What's So Dirty About: Samwell and Gilly?
These two will never make it to the sexy-dirty part of life because they're as pure as the virgin snow on the ground. But physical dirt? They have that s**t in spades. The two found solace in a run-down shack around somebody's heart tree (the ones with the faces on 'em) in the center of a godswood north of the Wall. And even though they managed With all the grease in their hair, they shouldn't have had such a hard time fueling any sort of fire. I mean, I know they’re on the run north of the Wall where it's freezing (winter being on its way and all that), but hey, you know. Baths. Baths are nice.
Unfortunately our next episode isn't for two weeks. Two weeks? You're doin' us dirty, HBO.