Recap

'AHS: Coven' Recap: Ding Dong Everyone's Dead

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Jan 23, 2014 | 2:00pm EST

American Horror Story CovenFX Networks

This episode was chock full of WTF moments. Some were amazing like a lot of magic, the epic kicking of Madison Montgomery’s ass, and the final revelation of the seven wonders. However, some random choices of the episode felt flat and unsatisfying. A lot of storylines were tidied up but at the expense of narrative satisfaction. We’re feeling blue and not in a way Cymbalta is going to fix.

What-TF are the Seven Wonders?

Telekinesis

Pyrokinesis

Concilium (Mind Control)

Transmutation (Teleportation) - It’s worth mentioning that in every other incidence of magic and in real world science transmutation means transformation. Historically, transmutation was the ability to turn lead into gold which was the basis of all modern chemistry

Divination

Vitalum Vitalis (Resurgence or Life Balance) It’s unclear as to whether this is the power to bring people back from the dead or to balance someone’s life force. So far Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange), Zoe (Taissa Farmiga), and Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) used this ability to breathe a little life into people. However, everyone has said Misty Day (Lily Rabe) has the power as resurgence not Vitalum Vitalis and apparently she and Maddison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) can do it without saying a spell.

Descensum (Afterlife travel)

What-TF are these Awesome Moments?

The episode begins with a really great silent movie style reveal of The Seven Wonders. Finally, after wanting to know all season, we find out at the beginning of the episode.

Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson) finally has a vision with her latent abilities and it’s a haunting premonition. All the girls are dead in various ways and Cordelia has been shot in the head.

Queenie has a new magic makeover that's pretty awesome. She uses a whole mess of new powers. She also takes on Papa Legba (Lance Reddick) and rightfully points out that Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett) no longer has a contract with him because if she is chopped up into pieces, she can’t fulfill their bargain.

Misty kicks Madison’s ass in a knock down drag out fight we’ve been waiting all season for.

All the witches unite to kill the Axeman (Danny Houston). Although thematically it would have been more satisfying for the person they group kill to be Fiona (because she has been trying to kill them), Marie (because she gave Nan’s soul to Papa Legba), or Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) (because she sucks).

The end of the Delphine/Marie storyline is pretty satisfying. Delphine gets trapped in a hell where she and her daughter must be brutalized forever. Marie is trapped to stay in Delphine’s hell torturing her for all eternity.

The ending leaves us excited for the reveal of the next Supreme because all the girls are primed for the test. However, given how sloppily they wrote the season they probably will just reveal that Fiona was never really dead.

Why-TF Did They Do That?

Why would Queenie want to find Marie Laveau if she left her for dead? Queenie goes on a trip to Hell using the ability of Descensum and ends up at a chicken place? Why are they revisiting the chicken place when it was racist enough the first time? To add insult to injury it's one guy’s hell to never get chicken. #racist

Why did Delphine LaLaurie survive this long? Her entire existence on this show made no sense. She wasn’t a witch, she was just a famous New Orleans killer. After finally cutting up Marie Laveau she goes back to her own house to give tours dressed like a ratchet First Lady?

Why did the Axeman kill Fiona? Allegedly, according to a vision by Cordelia, the Axeman killed Fiona after he found a plane ticket she was hiding in her purse.

What was the point to Marie Laveau? She had no clear motivation. She was immortal but spent her life, at the expense of many babies’ lives, running a haircutting place in the ghetto?

Why are all the girls’ powers growing, but Cordelia is still useless?

Why would Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy) pay to have an expert painter do Fiona’s portrait if she hates her?

Why were so many extraneous characters introduced like The Axeman, the witch hunters, and Joan Ramsey (Patti LuPone) if neither they nor the core characters got any character development? We honestly don’t know much more about any of our main characters that are still alive because so many people were on the show. There are only some surface superficial things but no one is any more or less likable than they were when they were first introduced.

Why don’t we know what Cordelia or Myrtle’s powers are? Why haven’t they helped by doing anything magical?

Finally, why haven’t the makers of this show figured out how to avoid so many plot holes? Isn’t it someone’s job to keep track of story elements on the show and to Google things like transmutation?

Who-TF is the Next Supreme?

So far, Madison has manifested the most wonders – telekinesis, pyrokinesis, transmutation, vitus vitalis and technically her flawless resurrection could be considered Descensum. So she is the obvious front runner and therefore a red herring.

However, Queenie and Zoe are the only witches whose abilities are not one of the seven wonders. Queenie’s voodoo doll powers and Zoe’s killer vagina might be a sign one of them is the next Supreme. Also, Zoe undid Marie’s spell earlier in the season. So far no witch has been able to do that.

Ultimately, there’s no reason to believe that Fiona is not the next supreme because it looks like the girls may accidentally or purposefully kill each other through the trial and Fiona will shoot her daughter right through the eyes according to Cordelia’s vision.

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