'The Bachelorette' Recap: Questioning Sincerity
S6:E4 The fourth episode of “The Bachelorette” aired last night, and you’re totally getting the hang of not watching it and coming here to read the recap, right? Right! Awesome. Game, set, match.
The episode began with Ali and the guys flying separately to New York City, the very place that “Sleepless in Seattle” put on the map in terms of lovey-dovey stuff. Ali met with some guy from “In Style” to get fitted for outfits she’d wear on the dates in New York, and she made it perfectly clear the whole time she was more of a “jeans and t-shirt kind of girl.” But that’s what everyone says, so who knows if she’s being sincere. (Personally, I just think she’s just sensitive about her tummy area…but she shouldn’t be! This is not what is supposed to be talked about in a recap.) Anyway, she was outfitted with lots of “New York chic” outfits and got a manicure and a pedicure. But shouldn’t all this have happened before she met anyone?
Ali chose Kasey, the guy with the Wizard of Oz-like voice (but without the amplifier) that I haven’t been paying much attention to, for the individual date. You’ll recall the first thing Kasey said to Ali was “I’m going to guard and protect your heart,” but apparently once wasn’t enough because over the course of her date, he told her that something like 8 more times (in case any of the verbs and nouns tripped her up). They took a helicopter tour around Manhattan and then had a picnic on a grassy field somewhere. But the picnic part isn’t the worst part of all this. You see, Kasey established himself last night as the “weirdest weirdo” by singing this to Ali: “When I was flying in the helicopter, over this amazing city, I looked to my left and I saw something so pretty.” Ali made a face like she just inhaled a ten pounds of the sour sugar that are on SourPatch Kids. Then he paused. And to Ali’s surprise, continued! “At the end of tonight I’m not just your average Joe. But I hope in my hindsight I’ll see and find a rose.” Ali didn’t have the heart to tell him that’s not what “hindsight” is, and that it’s unwise to put “helicopter” in a song because nothing rhymes with it.
But luckily enough for Kasey, he had a chance to redeem himself when their date continued at the American Museum of Natural History. To the average pair of eyes, it looked like they played a large-scale game of tag, but in reality (because this is a reality show), Ali was just trying to run away from Kasey BECAUSE HIS VOICE IS WEIRD AND HE STILL CHOOSES TO SING. When they entered the Hall of North American Mammals (I know that because I gave tours there), Kasey thought it would be a good idea to try and talk to one of the gorillas. I am not kidding.
When they settled down for a little desert in The Hall of Ocean Life, Ali asked Kasey why this is different than his past relationships. He said there’s one reason, and that it’s with her. I give him a little bit of credit for that, but not much because I’m stingy. He also said he knows when someone is right for him when she wants to “guard and protect his heart too,” but he must not! Because Ali doesn’t want to “guard “or “protect” anything! What we have here, my friends in cyberland, is a classic case of unrequited love. After saying “I want to guard and protect your heart” a few thousand more times and saying “It’s just my heart. Jump in and stay a while,” he sang some more. This time, it was about the first time he saw her when he got out of the limosine. That sent Ali over the edge, and she decided not to give him a rose… but not eliminate him either. She just told him to cut the cheesy and sappy crap, because real husbands are neither cheesy nor sappy. And that’s a fact. They forget to wash behind their ears and replace toilet paper. That’s what they do, and that’s what Ali wants. So she decided to keep him around to see if he can get his act together. But not the singing one! Because that’s a terrible act.
When it was time for the group date, the rest of the guys went to Times Square, where “The Lion King” is performed. Ali loves Broadway, and so wanted to give the boys a taste of the THE-A-TAH. And I don’t blame her. She was, however, completely responsible for making the guys audition to see who was going to have a tiny part in that night’s “The Lion King” performance alongside her. The guys had to put on little spandex biking shorts, which apparently only Lance Armstrong looks good in, and danced around and swiveled their hips without using swivel chairs.
But the really deciding part of the audition had to do with who could sing the best version of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.” Not one of them turned out to be a singer, which is sad because it made listening to the whole lot of them more painful than an uncertified nurse. Roberto did the best, however, because instead of facing the piano player, he turned to Ali and asked her if she could feel the love in the afternoon. She could and she did, so she chose him to take part in a routine this special.
After they left the THE-A-TAH, they went back to their hotel to knock back a few and talk about how tight their tights were. Ali had a hard time interacting with everyone because she was under the weather, so Kirk insisted he take her up to her room and put her to bed. So he did, and it was nice, because he understood he couldn’t sleep there with her. But by far the best part of having Kirk in her room was before he left, he blew out all the candles. Fire safety first! Especially in hotels your insurance company won’t help you reimburse if you burn it down!
Ali woke up the next day feeling even sicker, which meant she couldn’t take Chris L. out on his date for his birthday. So instead, she invited him to her room (turns out sick Ali is a sassy Ali!). Knowing that tending to a woman when she’s sick is the sure-fire way to get laid (I mean a rose!), Chris brought Ali some soup and some other sickness paraphernalia, and for that he got a rose. While this was going on, Kasey’s insanity continued. He went to GET A TATTOO. Exactly. Kasey got a tattoo to prove his sincerity to Ali, so she’d know he was really there to “guard and protect her heart.” Yes! We’re back to that again! Part of me thinks it’s sad because this was his way of asking Ali to open up to her, but the other part of me wishes he saw the faces of everyone at home who watched him sew this image into his skin this last night.
At the cocktail party, Wrestler Justin questioned the bandage on Kasey’s wrist, and he said it was from a burn. Wrestler Justin kept poking and proding and to his credit, Kasey showed all the guys his medieval renaissance proclamation of love engraving. They were all kind of shocked, because that’s grounds for commitment to an asylum. I’m sorry! But it is! Kasey knows practically nothing about Ali! He spends too much time singing to her and talking to gorillas on her behalf!
Right before the rose ceremony, Kasey pulled Ali aside and tried to explain he’d gotten inked, but was interrupted by Frank. It was probably a good thing he did, because it saved Kasey from getting eliminated. That’s what I said. Kasey didn’t get to tell Ali about his insanity-tattoo, so Ali didn’t get to eliminate him.
When it came time to eliminate two guys, Chris L. was safe because he got a rose, Kirk was also safe because he put Ali to sleep in her room when she was unwell, and Roberto was safe because he held her when she was suspended in midair with him. As for everyone else…Ali decided to send Peculiar Jesse and Weatherman Jonathan back to L.A., or from wherever they came. Stop asking me if I'm mistaken...I'm not! Kasey got an insane tattoo in honor of Ali, which I hoped she'd be smart enough to realize was creepy, but she kept him over the diminutive man who works in front of a green screen all day! How hilarious! These shows are too much for me sometimes. But I’ll still see you around next week, because Kasey has to tell Ali about his tattoo then…right?
