S2:E2 The preview for this week’s “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami” showed Kourtney giving Khloe a bikini wax. Perhaps you saw it too, and it looked so unappealing you decided to watch “True Blood” instead, or maybe look to see if your doctor made it into New York Magazine’s list of NYC’s “best doctors.” If that’s what you chose to do, I’m sad for you because you missed out on quite a rewarding experience.
Since producer Ryan Seacrest is a truthful advertiser, the episode revolved around one, single bikini wax. Khloe’s husband (Laker Lamar) was coming to Miami for one day and Khloe and Kourtney decided to spend some time revamping themselves with some car and lingerie shopping. While in the dressing room, Kourtney noticed Khloe had forgotten to get a bikini wax, which completely embarrassed Khloe because she’s the type of girl “to have everything perfect all the time” and doesn’t believe married couples should ever “let themselves go.” Kourtney convinced Khloe to let her give her a bikini wax because she’d done it to herself hundreds of times, and Khloe accepted the offer since she was in a pinch and strapped for time before Lamar's arrival.
Back at the apartment, the magic’s about to happen and Kourtney (holding the hot wax just out of the microwave) said “am I really about to do this?” It was as if she was giving Khloe one last chance to use her brain and understand if she has the money to spend on a Ferrari, she has the $50 to spend on having a professional garden her ladybits. Sadly, Khloe did not put the two Lego pieces together and she lay down on the couch, allowing the crime against sanitation and the nice fellow who decorated their apartment to begin. I really can’t say how the scene ended (because believe it or not, I have standards) even though I desperately want to. But if you’ve ever gotten a full bikini wax, you have an idea. If you’ve never had that pleasure, you can simply watch it here:
After it was all over Khloe started screaming and realized Kourtney burned her with the wax, so she ran to the kitchen and insisted Kourtney put butter on her. Kourtney took a butter knife and some butter, and applied the creamy spread to her sister’s outer parts like she was about to eat a croissant in France. Scott walked in holding the baby and for the first time ever was the voice of reason when he said butter wasn’t going to do anything for a burn of that severity. He handed Khloe some frozen peas and told her to put them on her cooch. And that ended assault against condiments and furniture.
The next day or something, Kourtney took Khloe and her friends out on a yacht to get wasted in an effort to prove moms can still get loaded if they leave their children and their cable knit sweaters with their ascot-wearing fathers. When she got home, Kourtney put on her breast pump and milked herself so her child would have something to eat the next morning. But she’d been drinking, remember!? I thought before they let you leave the hospital with your newborn, the doctors make you come up with a plan to cure world hunger, learn sign language and promise not to take tequila shots and then breastfeed. Luckily, Kourtney wasn’t too drunk to forget she had her special test strips (upon dipping into the milk will tell you if there’s alcohol in it) in her bureau for this exact purpose. After further scientific testing, Kourtney learned her milk did in fact have alcohol on it, so she poured it on Khloe.
When Laker Lamar finally got into Miami, Khloe was praying he was too tired to have sex so she wouldn’t have to show him her "bald rat that crawled too close to the heat lamp in his cage". He was a total gentleman about the whole thing, however, and told Khloe she was, and always would be, beautiful. In the next room, Kourtney vowed to stop drinking alcohol because of how hard it made breastfeeding. She did not vow to never do another bikini wax again, and now we're more at risk of getting a wax from Kourtney than we are contracting malaria.
So again, we’ve learned two things: there’s a reason why the government requires body waxers to have licenses, and you can’t breastfeed another human being if you’ve been drinking. I swear to you, “Kourtney and Khloe” is well on its way towards becoming the next “National Geographic.” Lucky us!