S5:E5 I fear since Weatherman Jonathan was eliminated last week, recapping The Bachelorette isn’t as important anymore. Who cares who Ali ends up with? It’s her decision – it’s not like we have anything to do with it. If we did, it would make sense why we’re so invested in wading through all her pointless dates and inane conversations in freakishly phony lighting. The decision should be ours from how faithful we’ve been to this show! But it’s not! It’s Ali’s! We have literally, no control over who she’ll choose in the end. So our attachment to this show makes no sense. And yet, there we all were last night, dipping bread right into jars of jelly, watching Ali try and gauge all these guys about how much they'll love her as her husband. But before I cut right to the chase and reveal which poor guys she eliminated last night, let’s walk ourselves through the episode again.
This week, the guys packed their bags and headed off to Iceland, where they donned Holden Caulfield hats made of newborn bunnies. When they landed and forgot to take their bags off the plane (I know it was probably edited out, but continuity shouldn't be dead yet!), they were told they had one hour to write a poem for Ali and the winner would get a one-on-one date. They were encouraged to use some Icelandic words to get extra credit, so all the guys ran off and started assaulting innocent school children and asking them how to say words like “freckles” and “love” and “it’s cold here, no?” Turns out Icelandic children are pretty delightful! Everyone recited their poems and Ali chose Kirk for the date simply because she hadn’t had a date with him yet. Naturally, this angered Kasey because he…STILL…wants to do nothing but “guard and protect her heart.” Even in Iceland! Where the icicles pretty much have it covered!
On their date, Ali and Kirk wandered around Iceland without maps, which I found very scary. They went shopping in a sweater shop and stretched out all the pretty cable knits, but they made up for it by purchasing two of the same sweaters and waltzing out of the shop in them… like those perfect tourists who mock the place they're visiting by making all residential single people miserable with their love. When they were sitting in a café, Kirk admitted he had never dated anyone for more than a year, and Ali began to think he was hiding something. Late that night, Kirk explained he was gravely ill five years ago with asbestos poisoning and it has made him very conscious of the relationships in his life. And on this cheesy, cheesy show, it might have been the most normal and sweet scene we've seen yet. So for opening up to her, Ali gave him a rose to save him from elimination this week.
Kasey and Justin the wrestler were chosen for the two-on-one date, so they stayed at home while the rest of the guys went on the group date, which was horse-back riding (or teeny-tiny donkey riding) through some Icelandic country side. Then they went cave exploring, which was very much similar to that movie about the five college girls who go explore some caves and then are stabbed by some one-eyed creatures. Ali thought the whole thing was terribly romantic, but that’s because she only rents romantic comedies from Netflix. After they finished cave exploring, they all took off their heavy jackets to realistically reveal bathing suits, which they used to swim in a nice heated pool. Ali made out with each one of the guys before she gave a rose to Ty, also saving him from elimination…but not from his pruney man bits.
The next day was the two-on-one date with Kasey’s tattoo and Justin’s broken ankle. Doesn’t it sound like Ali had lined up a phenomenal day for herself? The date began with taking a helicopter ride over some active volcanoes…and can I just point out that for someone who hates flying, Ali has had more flying experiences than she has hairs on her head!? But it makes sense Ali would take Kasey and Justin to see some active volcanoes... because if one of them were to oust himself as "too crazy for words," she could just push him into the fiery pit and be done with it.
When Ali sat down for some private time with Kasey on the edge of a cliff, those of us at home hit “ignore” on our iPhones and sent our mothers into panic mode… but it was time to watch him reveal the tattoo he got to prove his sincerity to her! (And we don’t need anymore reminders to cancel cable before we move!) Kasey explained to Ali why he decided to get the tattoo, but he tried to make it seem it was for his “future” wife…and that would mean he knows Ali is not his wife! Maybe Iceland made him finally understand the creep factors in his actions? At the end of the date, Ali gave Justin the rose, which meant Kasey had to slab even more Vaseline on his tattoo and ship the body it’s attached to back on home.
At the elimination ceremony, Ali made Chris leave the Icelandic palace because he stood out too much amidst all the blond-haired and blue-eyed people. I’ve spent almost no time talking about him because he’s not memorable at all and is as boring as a wafer cone. But can you blame me? I had to spend all my time talking about Kasey and his “guard and protect stuff!” Maybe on the ride home, he realized “guard” and “protect” mean the same thing, and therefore are useless together. At least now he can devote lots of time to coming up with a new explanation of the tattoo’s significance before he meets his real wife. And that's going to be harder than anything Ali's done this far.