S6:E11 I, in my mostly infinite wisdom, thought the season finale of The Bachelorette would be a behemoth-sized montage of all the guys Ali went through and humiliated on her quest for love. I guess I was mistaken, though – for I was thinking of last week’s show, The Guys Tell All! Last night’s episode wasn’t a montage at all! More happened! Ali had the guys meet her family, which lead to her choosing a partner, which also lead her to humiliate one guy (in my opinion, the wrong one). I cannot speculate as to what Miss Ali’s doing now; for people who undermine my predictions do not deserve my pleasant speculations.
At what point in this recap should I reveal Ali’s choice? If you watched any of the season, it should be clear who she preferred between Roberto and Chris. I don’t think I can write any more of this without sharing who she chose…sorry. SHE CHOSE ROBERTO! Again, it was pretty obvious she had stronger feelings for him as opposed to Chris, BUT CHRIS’S MOTHER HAS JUST DIED! AND SHE ELIMINATED HIM! The guy with the dead mother, she decided against loving. Does she hate bunnies in baskets, too? She only rejected him because he wasn’t ready to open up to her as quickly as Roberto already had! But DUH! HIS MOTHER DIED? WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? Admit everything to Ali? She’d hate that like she hated Kasey’s tattoo! I’m sorry, I think Ali made the wrong decision! To me, Roberto is the guy you run to when you’re husband’s being a jerk: he’s the guy who makes you touch a stingray to remember what life is like while your husband eats the donuts in your fridge that clearly have YOUR name on them! Roberto just seems like a really fun guy to be with – I do not see his husband qualities that Ali seems to see in him. I will feel better about this whole thing if Chris becomes the next Bachelor.
I was hoping to save that until the end of the recap, but there it is. Now for what really happened. Ah, shucks.
Ali met up with Roberto and introduced him to her family. He met her mother, father, brother and sister. Naturally, they grilled him about everything, from favorite baseball teams to the progression of their relationship. When he sat down with Ali’s mother, it was actually very sweet when he asked her what he can do to keep Ali happy, all the time. Her mother said something and then recited a phrase in Spanish that a producer TOTALLY taught her on the way to Bora Bora and then wrote on the inside of her hand, á la Sassy Palin. Then, Roberto asked Ali’s dad for his blessing should he propose to her, which he received. He must have been too overjoyed to ask why Ali sucked her siblings dry of attractiveness! Nobody’s ever going to treat me to anything ever again.
After Roberto left the island, Chris arrived and almost right off the bat, Ali’s mom asked him about his mother and wouldn’t let it go. Chris was a gentleman and told her she had passed away. So of course once they sat down to eat, they naturally went back to the topic of his deceased mother and asked him “to describe her.” There was a moment where I thought he was going to break down, but he carried on with himself and handled Ali’s anal probe of a mother with the greatest of ease. When Ali’s dad took Chris outside, he admitted that every time he sees her he falls in love with her…and her dad basically HAD to give him his blessing…which is making the rounds quicker than a case of syphilis at a hospital. (That’s from an episode of Grey’s Anatomy but it’s too perfect and deserves a resurgence.)
The next day, Ali spent with Roberto. They rode jet skis.
...and made out in the rain, which they marveled at as if they were expecting purple gumdrops and tabby cats instead of water droplets. Later that night, Roberto presented Ali with a picture of the two of them on the beach from an earlier trip, and on the back, he wrote how much he loved her…but it was in Spanish! Which means it shouldn’t count! Because she doesn’t speak Spanish! But then he saved it by telling her he loved her in English, and I couldn’t complain.
The day after that, Chris came back to hang out with Ali, and never kissed her with tongue. Now that I look back on it, he should have done this. At least twice. At last once! When Ali showed up at Chris’s hotel room, she BARELY LOOKED AT HIM and started looking around the room for something to casually comment on, so what she was about to say would be easier. THAT’S RIGHT EVERYONE! PAGETURNER! So Ali sat down with Chris and told him she was going to choose Roberto, and she was telling him now because she didn’t want to put him through the heartbreak of the next day. He THANKED her for being honest with him, which shows us just how sweet he is – he THANKED her for breaking up with him early. As in, “thank you for giving me cookies as my secret Santa,” and “thank you for helping me plunge my toilet!” Chris, my sweetheart, you can get a little upset here! You flew to Bora Bora for her! That’s some place very nice you’ll never get to take another woman to! Chris, man, ugh.
When it came time for Ali to make her decision, it turned out she already made it and just had to tell Roberto how much she loved him. He was sweating his heritage off, and after recounting their entire two month (plus or minus a day) together, he got down on one knee and proposed to her. He offered her a ring with 3 carats, even though it looked deceptively small for their such triumphant love! But she said yes, and now the bachelorette is a ball and chain! What a transformation!
There you have it folks, all those two hour Monday nights of television have paid off! I leave you with two things: Chris should be the next bachelor, and according to the show’s STELLAR track record, that nice Neil Lane ring might be seeing the inside of its box sometime soon. No ill wishes though! Good thoughts all around! Just…pragmatic ones!